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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how do you move on?

26 replies

replacedmum · 02/07/2011 17:56

i've been quickly replaced by a new woman,seems all the years we were married meant nothing to him,how do i get on with my life without feeling so bitter,angry and sad?

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 02/07/2011 17:59

It takes time, and eventually you do.
But I don't think you can rush it, and I don't think you can move it along at any pace other than your own.
Take each day (or hour sometimes) as it comes.
Be kind to yourself.
Eventually, it hurts less.
Then, one day, it is just sad - but it doesn't hurt any more.

Original poster
replacedmum · 02/07/2011 18:18

i was doing so well,until i found out he's screwing one of the mums from my son's class Sad

now i have to see him with her and my kids go to her house...it cuts like a knife

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 02/07/2011 18:22

Sorry this has happened to you.

I found the 6 week workshop run by this organisation very very helpful - in face, i might have had a breakdown were it not for them.

www.drw.org.uk/

tranquilgardens · 02/07/2011 18:22

It depends on how much he wants to hurt you, and you allow it. For example if he wants a high drama divorce, only wants to see kids when it suits him, no consistancy for the kids, wants you out of your home asap, messing about over money, telling lies about his affair!

If he is a real father and puts his kids first, man's up and admits he had an affair, and gives you some time and space regarding a divorce, and is reasonalbe and fair on a financial split, then you will get over it a lot quicker and every one will be happier and able to move on x

Original poster
replacedmum · 02/07/2011 18:32

we have sorted everything,i've moved into rented flat,he pays maintainance,sees kids etc....that's all good,it's the fact that he is with this woman,she used to be my friend,he is doing with her all the things he used to do with me....she lives near me,i see her at school everyday,everyone's talking about it...his family have disowned me and are meeting her...i feel so awful...she was married but has now left her husband to be with mine...i want a divorce

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tranquilgardens · 02/07/2011 18:37

you are not sorted out yet then if you are not divorced, he can change his mind!

Go and see a solicitor and get the finances and marriage cleaned up!

It must be so humiliating for you.

It will take a long time to get over the fact that he is doing with her what he did with you, it took me about 5/6 months to stop loving my exh, and when the love goes you don't really care about the other stuff regarding her and him.

Has she met the children?

LadyBeagleEyes · 02/07/2011 18:41

replacedmum, it'll take time but I promise you it will get better, and if you're anything like me you'll realise how good life is without him.

Original poster
replacedmum · 02/07/2011 18:41

yes,she knows my children as they are in the same class at school,they have moved things very fast....i found out about them from her husband,my husband didn't even have the decency to tell me himself. I then saw them drive past me with my 4 year old in the car with them.

What do you mean,he could change his mind? about what?

I am phoning solicitor on Monday,thanks for your advice so far

OP posts:
Original poster
replacedmum · 02/07/2011 18:44

I was enjoying my new life and i don't love him,we separated because our marriage was dead in the water,so why do i feel like this?

I really think it is because it is happening right under my nose,if he'd met someone from a different town or at least someone i didn't know it would be ok?

OP posts:
tranquilgardens · 02/07/2011 18:55

He could change his mind about how contact will go, finances etc. The more she gets a hold on him the more she will not want you to have financially.

so it wasn't an affair then?

Original poster
replacedmum · 02/07/2011 18:59

no,we had already separated....this is why i'm struggling to understand why i'm hurt so much?

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tranquilgardens · 02/07/2011 19:06

My exh dumped me he left for ow. He was insane with jealousy when I was dating someone he knew after we split, he didn't want me and didn't want anyone else to want me, I think it was to do with finding it easier to dump someone that no one else wants, and seeing only the bad in your ex, and when someone else can see the good in your ex, if makes you worry that you made a mistake? It sounds like you have regrets?

Original poster
replacedmum · 02/07/2011 19:08

no,i have no regrets at all

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tranquilgardens · 02/07/2011 19:11

Do you think that it may be that you don't want him telling his new partner intimate things about you and you both as a couple?

Original poster
replacedmum · 02/07/2011 19:15

yes possibly.

i'm sure i will get used to seeing them together eventually,it's just weird.

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tranquilgardens · 02/07/2011 19:18

I don't think any of us like the idea of another woman knowing the in's and outs of our personal life, sexually or otherwise and have it shared around the school playground. Did he tell you a great deal about his ex's personal lives?

Original poster
replacedmum · 02/07/2011 19:24

no...so hopefully he won't talk too much about me,he'll prob just moan about how i didn't give him enough!!

He texted me telling me he thought we should separate...we did...i then had texts late at night for weeks saying he can't go on like this etc etc....

then he took up with her and all contact stopped,he's smug and happy,has lots of free time to go out and have fun,i'm at home most of the time and adjusting to being on my own for the first time ever...guess it will just take time to adjust

OP posts:
tranquilgardens · 02/07/2011 19:28

If it helps my exh very much enjoyed his freedom again, he has since remarried and is expecting a child, in effect the very life he said made him unhappy he is setting up again, right down to his second wife being a stay at home Mum. At the end of the day we all grew out of the teenage/early twenties lifestyle and craved a family and to settle down, well most do, and it is boring, and some people have a bit of a midlife crisis and want their younth back, then when they get it they realise that the family was all they wanted in the end after all.

You will be just fine, yes it is hard work being a parent, more so being a single parent, your children will grow up one day and you will have freedom that is not reliant upon him.

LadyBeagleEyes · 02/07/2011 19:31

That was my concern tranquil, he even used his pet name for me in one of his texts to her (I wasn't snooping, he gave the phone to my then 10 year old ds as she had a new one, he hadn't deleteted the messages).
And even though I knew I never wanted him back it bloody hurt.
As was the swift removal of our wedding picture on my pil's window ledge, replaced with one of him and her when they all visited for the 1st time.
I admit I did ask ds if they'd got shot of my picture Smile.
Yup, OP, it's irrational, but it still hurts for some reason. Sort of like, how easily our 11 years together can be forgotten just like that or something.
Anyway she dumped him after about 3 years and he's now internet dating.
I'm still on my own and bloody love it.

Original poster
replacedmum · 02/07/2011 19:36

Good for you Beagleeyes!!

His whole family have not contacted me once since we split,they are meeting her already...i don't know what he must have said about me to them but must have been pretty bad for them to disown me,i just wish i could have a mind enema...you know,wash out my brain so that i could feel ok again and stop going over things and move on

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 02/07/2011 19:42

You will replaced, it's fucking hard at the beginning but you will.
Promise Grin.

tranquilgardens · 02/07/2011 19:44

The being replaced thing, to be honnest, whilst I didn't hate my time spent with exh's people, they were never really my people, or people that I was despirate to spend time with anyways, there was always that feeling of being on edge around them. It also opens up your kids eyes if their family reject their Mother!

Original poster
replacedmum · 02/07/2011 19:49

that's the funny thing...i won't miss them,the way i'm feeling just doesn't make sense to me...i guess it's just early days,time will help

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Wisedupwoman · 03/07/2011 08:38

replaced I think it's partly to do with the well researched evidence that in divorce/separation women do far better than men.

I think that's why so many men begin exit affairs before the end of their marriages - so they have a back-up plan to meet their needs. The fact that this relationship has moved so quickly suggests your XH is one of those for whom a future (even in the short term) without a partner is intolerable.

So I would understand this as symptomatic of your importance and strength although it feels like the opposite when it appears you have been 'replaced' so soon and in such a public way.

People will talk for a while and then they'll forget it and move on. And so will you once the bruises have healed.

Original poster
replacedmum · 03/07/2011 09:21

very true....he hates being on his own at all times,i am feeling a bit better today,i think i needed to figure out my feelings,why am i feeling this way? I think being snubbed by his whole family and learning that they are meeting her/going out with them etc...made me feel awful,so rejected and also wondering what he must have said to them to do this?

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