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Original poster

DP and cocaine

44 replies

frappuccino · 01/07/2011 23:07

I have been with DP for a year and he has just told me he regularly takes cocaine socially when out with friends. This has been going on the whole time we have been together! He says he isn't addicted and doesn't think it's a big deal but I am upset he has kept it from me for so long
He says I am overreacting but I am now seriously considering if we have a future together or not. Would it be a dealbreaker for you?

OP posts:

branstonsandcheese · 02/07/2011 01:26

It would be a dealbreaker for me because I have ethical concerns with the cocaine industry and DH on coke is an awful clacking wanker I am ashamed to be seen with. So it's on the 'never' list for us. I've dated recreational drug users in the past and am friends with many and it's not been an issue. Addicts are something else again of course.

The fact your P told you he does it and is going to keep doing it seems a bit... defiant. I'm not sure I'd like that attitude.

Empusa · 02/07/2011 01:39

Something to take into account, if you stayed with him long term and ended up wanting kids, would you feel able to have kids with someone who takes drugs? If not, it may be worth cutting your losses.

A close friend of mine has this problem, her DP was taking drugs when they got together, and he assured her he'd give them up when they decided it was time to start a family. Unfortunately he's now changed his mind. She's now having to consider whether their long relationship is worth staying with.

LolaRennt · 02/07/2011 02:27

I'd leave him

M0naLisa · 02/07/2011 02:30

I know DH use to take coke on nights out and when i first met him he was on it (iirc it was coke, might have been something else) Since been with me he hasnt had any, so he stopped it when meeting me. I think you DP is selfish for saying your overreacting, i would be mad too.

Proudnscary · 02/07/2011 06:50

Hold on - bit of a reality check here everyone!

He is not necessarily an addict for god's sake!

My dh and most of my male and his male friends went through years of casual cocaine use. Every single one of them (now aged 38-42) has stopped or only do it very occassionally. Not ONE of them has a problem.

I am NOT advocating drug use! I am saying it is a part of life in many young social groups so there's no point pretending it isn't.

If my dh still did it nowadays I would be extremely concerned at the cost and moreover the fact that we have growing children and I would not want drugs in their lives in any way - ie even in terms of a man on a Sunday 'comedown'. But he stopped even once-yearly use when he hit mid 30s and the dc were babies.

How old is he, what stage is he at in life, does he have money, what is he generally like to you, does he drink excessively and regularly?

These are the things to think about.

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 02/07/2011 07:02

I don't think this man is an addict (trust me, I lived with one) however, now you know he uses it AND he has no intention of giving up, will you accept which then condones use of?

His admission relieves his guilt. If you accept this as part of your relationship his use may become more frequent and in your company.

Due to my horrendous experience of living with a drug user, I am totally against even the odd recreational spliff!

OP, I really would think long and hard, but I know it's tough when you love someone, trust me, been there done that blah blah blah...

RoyalWelsh · 02/07/2011 07:03

I know my DP experimented with drugs before I met him and even that bothers me a little. We have talked about it as he has expressed the desire to try different things. I am of the opinion that drugs, all drugs, are out of order whether they are being used for recreational purposes or because someone is an addict. DP knows that it is a complete and utter dealbreaker, even now after five years. It wouldn't matter to me whether it was a one off and if it was as innocuous as smoking a bit of green, he would be out the door because on the topic of drugs I am inflexible.

In your situation, if you don't approve and don't like it to the point where you would consider leaving him, tell him how you feel and see how he reacts. If he leaves, he values cocaine more than you. Or that's how I would see it anyway

fastweb · 02/07/2011 07:06

It would be the end of the road for me.

I don't like crisis and drama dive bombing my life.

Even occasional use adds the potential for C&D connected to arrests, court cases, medical issues, anti social behavior while under the influences causing a ruckus and fall out of its own, financial issues, employment issues, the introduction of company I'd rather not keep, the worry that the consumption is remaining at the level claimed etc etc etc .......no thanks.

Nobody gets away without some rain in their life as it is, so I am adverse to inviting a threatening gray cloud to come and sit over my house risking even more bad weather.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 02/07/2011 07:16

It would be and has been a dealbreaker for me. I dumped a man when I saw him snorting coke.

Unfortunately, he decided he wanted me more than the cocaine, so promised never to take it again, so I took him back. I say "unfortunately" because while he stuck to his word, afaik, the resentment this engendered in him festered for the entire length of our relationship; that I had "forced" him to give up coke, etc.

Be true to yourself and your choices. You don't need to be swayed by what another person thinks you "should" feel about their drug use if it makes you feel uneasy. This holds for both of you: you don't have to be with someone who takes drugs if you are unhappy about it, and he doesn't have to be with someone who objects to his habit.

PaigeTurner · 02/07/2011 09:34

I wouldn't leave, unless I was planning on having DC with him, then I would get rid if he didn't show signs of stopping. It's just too much wasted money when you have a family.

It would be hypocritical of me to dump someone on the basis they did coke a couple of times a month, but I could definitely understand someone who was anti drugs or who had never done them themselves being upset and wanting out.

Boobz · 02/07/2011 11:04

Once every couple of weeks wouldn't bother me, TBH. That fact that he wasn't honest from the get-go, would.

Original poster

frappuccino · 02/07/2011 12:59

I'm more bothered he kept it from me for so long. We have discussed having a baby fgs and he didn't think he should mention it then??
Also concerned that if it is only occasionally then why conceal it for so long? Perhaps he uses more than he says he does.
I am late twenties, he is early thirties. Shouldn't he have grown out of it by now?

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 02/07/2011 19:23

It depends..why has he concealed it from you. And how?

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 02/07/2011 20:59

"I am late twenties, he is early thirties. Shouldn't he have grown out of it by now?"

OP, my partner was 47 when he became addicted to crack. He had smoked cannabis from the age of 17 and had dabbled in coke here and there between twenties and thirties.

BTW do you live together?

DuelingFanjo · 02/07/2011 21:04

doesn't sound like an addiction but every other weekend would be too much for me. To be honest if he is going out that often then it sounds like he's not grown up much. If you are going to have a bay his whole lifestyle would have to change anyway - have you spoken about that part of it?

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 02/07/2011 21:08

This would be a dealbreaker for me now. Unfortunately I learned the hard way in a past relationship. All the cliches are there. He has kept this a secret from you. He isn't addicted and can stop any time he wants he just doesn't want to not even in order to have a relationship with you. And you are 'over reacting' cos you are just some ignorant unworldly girl as he sees you.

Dutchie77 · 06/07/2011 15:01

Hi!

I've been in a relationship with a coke addict for 5 years. I only found out the last year, cause he couldn't hide his debts anymore. He was the love of my life and the sweetest guy ever. That made the situation the hardest I've been in in my whole life.

I don't believe in social drug use. Especially not with coke. It will get worse and it's hard to keep in control. Believe me, I am from Holland and have seen a lot of use and abuse around me (and worked for the local re-hab)

Coke makes you feel invincible, and unfortunate also numb. That's why he didn't tell you of his coke use; you start to tell lies and your emotions go numb. He was not honest to you. That is already BIG sign on the wall.

My ex-partner dragged me into his deep into his debts and I've been paying for five years to get rid of it. And that's besides the emotional trauma he caused me.

Get out while you still can.

TheFarSideOfFuck · 06/07/2011 15:09

expect a drug user to lie about how much they use

so take that "every other weekend" and multiply it by a factor of ooo whatever you fancy, really

add that to the fact he has concealed his drug use from you so far, letting you get in pretty deep (talk of having a baby etc) and it smacks < ahem > of manipulation and reeling you in

to start a family with a drug user would be pretty stupid, IMO

so if that is what you want, I would advise you to drop this particular hot potato and find someone who is more likely to put you and any potential children first ...socially, emotionally and financially

noir · 06/07/2011 15:10

I have walked away from a drug user/ dealer because of the impact it had on his/ our life, his lifestyle disgusted me. However from what the OP said her partner sounds like a recreational user who is not affected in his day to day life by his drug use, this wouldn't be an issue for me, what WOULD be an issue is him hiding it from me for a whole year! It would make me question what else he is hiding.

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