Should Mum and Dad stay together for sake of Child

[ConfusedDad1]

as post suggests, having difficulty figuring out if healthy to stay together for sake of our 2yo Daughter. We get along ok, don't argue etc but pretty sure the Love has gone? Has anyone gone through this? Do things get better? Should we stay together for sake of our Daughter who dearly loves both her Mum and Dad.....?

@bandwitch. No idea of the origin, it's a phrase a friend of mine (a fellow MN) said to me the other day and I loved it. So true.

@Cdad. Ok, i think you need to let the idea cool for a bit. If you push the subject now then you'll get resistance purely because she said no and feels like she has to justify it.

What you now need to do is not listen to what she's said but find out what she really means. Is she saying no because of exactly what she said? Or could it possibly be something else such as guilt over not spending time with DD?

What you might also want to do is sound your inlaw's out. Explain to them that you both need a break and ask if they'd possibly mind. Don't do it now as she might see you as trying to undermine her. Leave it a bit first. If your inlaw's genuinely don't mind then great....organise it and then tell her. If she's still not keen then cancel. In short, take the initiative a bit. Often I find you get in a little rut and getting out is hard.

What you could also do is start small. How about a night off and just go to the flicks? Organise a sitter. Friends or even a site like Sitters

Honestly the first few years are the toughest. I once described it to a mate like someone coming up to you and smashing you in the face with an anvil!

It does get better though! By about 4, I'd sufficiently forgot about the aggro enough to go and have another kid! lol

Has nobody suggested relationship counselling? If you two are good at communication usually and you suspect you still love each other then I'd imagine this would be a good first resort. If anything it should help you clarify your feelings towards each other even if you do decide to split.

Does spending time together have to involve babysitting? I know I have only recently become more comfortable with leaving DS at night over the past year or so, he is 2.9. I still don't get a chance to go out overnight as the only way he settles is if someone stays here with him, which nobody is willing to do at the moment. Does she sleep well? (Another thing DS has only just started doing so I understand if not! ) You could spend some time together in the evenings if so, just watching a film together or something you've downloaded from iplayer, or having a nice meal or even a takeaway or having a bath together or something silly like playing a board game.

Another thing I notice you haven't mentioned - and please don't feel you have to answer this if you don't want to talk about it, but what about sex? Are you disagreeing about sex at all? It seems odd to me that she would completely dismiss any idea of you two spending time together, so it's likely there is something going on there. Perhaps she is completely exhausted (if she uses her weekends off to do nothing then that seems likely) and she feels that sex is low on the agenda for her, whereas for you it seems as though you hardly have it any more. If there is a difference in opinion like this it can often feel to the partner with the lower sex drive that they are being pestered, and that any nice attention comes with a hidden agenda (even if their partner isn't intending it that way)

I might be completely off the mark there and I apologise if so but it's a very common situation and comes up a lot on these boards, so I thought it was worth mentioning.

The only other thing I could think of about her being dismissive is perhaps she is feeling a bit overwhelmed at the minute and instead of being a nice thought to want to spend some time together, she's seeing it as yet another thing that is her responsibility to think about and organise. Perhaps you need to take the initiative and organise a sitter and a night out rather than putting the ball in her court. (If you know she'd be happy with leaving DD with that person, anyway - she's not going to relax if she's worrying about her.)

Oh dear, shot down in flames. Seems like you are making the effort/trying to make changes but she's not receptive. Do you think she wants to fix the problems? If she does, she needs to meet you halfway.

IME no.

Most of the time, it does far more harm than good for the child/ren involved.

Mum and Dad snapping at one another, arguing, leading seperate lives but living under the same roof.

Very sad for all concerned.

From what I've read, I get the feeling that actually, YOU don't want to seperate.

Our DS has SN and I care for him fulltime, being disabled myself with mobility issues. It's hard work and sometimes, after no sleep, I NEED time out. Even a few minutes to have a shower, brush my teeth or even go to the loo in peace!

The point I'm finally getting to is that DH and I have 'date nights' where we cook something yummy, share a bottle of something nice and just enjoy talking, downloading the week......

No pressure, it doesn't have to result in sex or anything that you both aren't comfortable with that night.

I think you need to take it back to basics and see if there is any spark there. You BOTH need time out from your daughter, 2 is an age of discovery so I'm sure she's into everything! Plus you both work fulltime.

Try and take the pressure off.

Talk to her

Bugger - I killed his thread!

Not at all mouseface :) just been busy at work, very annoying as it's a Friday and like to take it easy here at the end of a week. Ah well....
But hey, thanks for the posts (everyone)....I have been trying to talk about having more time together, but whilst she agrees we should, it aint gona happen and I dont want to push it. Sex? What's that lol? Doesn't bother me though, I'm truly a patient Man and dont't want to put ANY pressure on DW on this subject - women need to be mentally in a right place to have/enjoy sex so do I really, but wouldnt say no lol. But I'm more than happy to wait, at 37 the both of us have had more than enough wild weekends spend in bed etc, so now it's a case of waiting for it to start back up again. I offer massages (no strings) and rubs etc, so still some physical contact there etc...
Let's see how things go this weekend, but I still have a feeling in the pit of my stomach that we will end up going our separate ways which just kills me inside for thinking like it, but you can't help how you think. Let's hope I'm wrong and we come through this.

Keep posting - Im listening lol !

Hope your ok Lizzie - not heard from you today.....If not about or cant speak etc, hope you have a nice weekend and you enjoy your time with your little'uns.....

Dad - I really do think that you need to the pressure/expectations off yourself and off the relationship.

You need to tell her how you are feeling, deep down inside. It's a horrible feeling, that pit of the stomach ache.

I really do hope that you can turn this around and that there is something left to save.

Take it slowly, a day at a time and see what transpires.

Keep posting and good luck over the weekend.

I agree with the relationship counselling (Relate etc). It may seem like a last resort, but really, I think the time to go is before things are totally messed up, when there's stioll a chance of salvaging your relationship.
You get out of the habit of talking to each other abouit real things, about how you feel, especially after kids and once out of the habit, its very hard to start again, thats why counselling can help push you both through that barrier and then you can start to feel close again.
It sounds like there is hope for you both, as a woman, I think it can take a good 2-3 years after having a child to start feeling 'yourself' again and integrating the experience of motherhood into who you were before.
Good luck!

Thanks all - just to let you know we are talking (always have been good talkers) and well aware that things are not anywhere near as good as they were or can be. We are trying to figure it out and get to the bottom of why this is the case. But I do understand that the woman gives so much when giving the relationship a new member! Pregnancy which is a real slog in itself then the birth (which wasnt easy, not major complications, but tearing and infections etc) so that was tough, then guilt of being a working Mum etc, then sleepless nights which there have been MANY MANY. So that's why I want to work at it, but things I suggest just get batted back at me and I feel like an idiot for suggesting them as I should have thought about the reasons why they were refused etc. I'm also aware that women take 2 to 3 years to get back in physical and emotional balance - us blokes got it easy! We got to do the fun bit then sit back and wait :)
Might not be able to post anything now or over the weekend, but will come back next week. If I cant get back here today, I wish you all a lovely weekend and thanks again for all your support.....it really does help.

With unhappy - similar position and also feel it would be better to get out but can't find that door. Not great Also my parents were horrible to each other and s[plit up when I was 21 - they thought they were doing me a favour. They weren't.

My mum has told me that she wouldnt have stayed with my dad if it wasnt for us. We grew up and she still didnt leave as by that time she was 50 and in her words "who on earth would want an overweight 50 year old woman?" She has completely flushed her own life down the toilet by adopting this stance. She has never had any thanks of me or my siblings for doing this.

As a child I saw no affection, nothing....just rows and silences. Dreadful.
I wish they had split up

My x has the kids today. Read the papers in peace over two skinny lattes and then wandered round the shops, went to garden centre, now surfing the net. ah the peace! Kids not back for half an hour!

Maleview70, so glad to have spared my kids that. Even if nobody "wants me" fuck it, I want me if that makes sense! (or at least I want my life )

@niceguy, can't match the roots and wings piece of wisdom, but to quote the red hot chilli peppers, "this life is more than just a read through". That is to everybody dying of boredom and loneliness who is staying together "for the children".

WOW - So many interesting posts, I have read all with much interest. Seems to me (and from my own experience) that best to split when child is young. I also witnessed a loveless marriage of my parents and often thought both would be far happier appart and this was from age 8ish.
Still together but not right for each other still.....
Anyway - just an update, me and DW had really good weekend. Tried to keep calm and have fun etc and to try and get back to our old selves. Managed to have a bicker free weekend and actually was fun to be at home. DD also I think reaped the benefits as she was so much happier than she has been of late and bless her said "Daddy Happy" to me when I was taking her to the park....Love em!! Thanks again all.....