Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Could you stay with your H if he wasn't a good father?

50 replies

MrsDumpfire · 29/06/2011 21:46

A thread really brought on by another going on at the moment and dc1 statement today 'I don't ilke daddy'.

In short, H has had 'problems adjusting to being a dad'. He is forever puttig them down, totally unable to give unconditionally (whatever it is, love or things). It is worse with dc1 than dc2 probably because of difference in temperament.
Today, H was mentioning he might go away for one or to weeks for owrk. dc1 calmly staed it would be good if H was away for a week. When I asked why, he just stated that 'he doesn't like daddy'.

Knowing that even if we were divorcing, he would still see the kids and still be the same with them, would you stay?

OP posts:

Meglet · 30/06/2011 16:27

No. And I didn't.

Theyremybiscuits · 30/06/2011 16:37

LeQueen the last part of your post nearly made me cry.

It hit such a nerve with me.

That was the straw that broke the camels back with me.

That realisation amongst many other things, that in fact, he resented his own children

Becaroooo · 30/06/2011 16:40

JamieAgain · 30/06/2011 17:24

No. I couldn't love or respect him. DHs fathering skills are part of what I love about him. A large part

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/06/2011 17:33

No I would not stay with someone like this and would initiate divorce proceedings asap.

What do you know about his childhood and family background?. Presumably as well your H was raised by a father figure who was also emotionally unavailable to him; he is repeating that damaging pattern with his own children.

Your poor children, I feel for them a great deal. Its not too late for your children to recover from their emotionally absent dad but in 5-10 years time the damage will be well and truly done if you were to stay with this man. You cannot and should not put him before your children.

upahill · 30/06/2011 17:35

I wouldn't have had children with him if he wasn't going to be a good dad.

JamieAgain · 30/06/2011 17:42

upahill - but how can you know for sure? I had good reason to suspect mine would be a good dad, but some parents, men and women do not adjust well to parenthood, and it brings up a lot of stuff from their past and stresses and strains they have never faced before. I think it is one of the most stressful things you can go through as a couple, and I've seen perfectly nice people not adjust at all well to it.

upahill · 30/06/2011 17:52

Jamie Ok I knew for sure because I didn't get pregnant first and then worry what he was going to be like later like a lot of the threads on relationships seem to be about.

I was with him 6 years before we tried for a baby.
In that time he never once was mean spirted, abusive, sarcastic, tight or self centered.

I watched how he treated his mother, sister and nephews. There were no red flags about anything - no issues around money, drinking habits, dodgy friends.

I have never heard him swear. I loved the way he treated me.He would be excatly where he said he would be and has never let me down. THe other side to that is that he has always encouraged me wiht my work, my hobbies and is quite happy to be with friends for weekends away.

I was familar with his background and his families values were similar to the way I was brought up.

He made it clear right from the start he wanted children and to be married.

He was in his thirties when we had children so all his wild days were behind him.
There is so much more but I believe actions speak louder than words. My boys are 15 and 12 nearly now and he is the most superb father. I was proved right by biding my time and not rushing and having kids with my previous exes.

He is very similar to my dad if the truth were known and my dad is fab!!

JamieAgain · 30/06/2011 17:54

Same here really. Together 9 years before having children. Maybe those people I spoke about did have red flags in the privacy of their own homes

Original poster

MrsDumpfire · 01/07/2011 11:16

Hello all. Thanks for yur wise words. Theyall helped in some ways, not sll least to help me getting to terms with the way H behaves. I have always found too many excuses for him and his behviour.

JamieAgain, I think tere is some truth in what you say. In our case, there was probably some red flags but they hadn't been an issue until we had dcs (eg his total lack of communication skills didn't become totally blatant until we had dcs and had to solve some serious - compare to before- problems).
Some, I culdn't have know (no yound dcs in our immediate family, all the little ones there is now are younger than ours, so I couldn't have know how H wuld be around children).
But mainly when yu have dcs, there is a major shift from just looking after yourself 9and perhaps a partner) to putting someone who is totally reliant on you first. I have always assume H would put thattiny person first because ..well that's what people do when they become aprents don't they? I did, I put the dcs first, bt he still hasn't got into that mode.

LeQueen, yes there is this big elephant in the room about parents that can't be bothered with their dcs. I've always thought there was few of them. And they were 'bad' people iyswim. Not one of 'us'. It would not happen to people as nice as . This ocould not happen to us. I am just waking to the harsh relaity

OP posts:

BumptiousandBustly · 01/07/2011 11:59

I hope that what I say doesn't come across as too harsh but my step father was emotionally abusive - aided in this by my mother (who told me that if only I could do this/that - not do that/that then it would be different). I am now, finally, estranged from both of them - and it feels great.

Now I am not suggesting that you are enabling him, or blaming your son. I just know that my mother needed my stepfather far to much to admit what he was doing to me (and what she was doing to me). And we have have no relationship at all!

I personally am terrified of being a single parent - but would like to think that if someone treated my children the way my stepfather treated me - that I would walk out -with the shirts on our backs if necessary. It has had a huge impact on my life and taken me nearly 36 years to work through and really admit that my childhood was emotionally abusive.

Now I don't know how bad it is in your house - it might be no-where near as bad as it was in my house - but I would say - if it is affecting those children badly - it doesn't matter that he is their bio father - it sounds like he would do less damage if he wasn't there!

ZZZenAgain · 01/07/2011 12:00

Could I stay with dh if he were not a good father?
no

Should you stay with your dh? I really don't know.

Original poster

MrsDumpfire · 01/07/2011 12:07

No it's not harsh. What you are saying is ore or less what other posters said on that other thread. And what made me wonder if there is any reason why some things are more 'acceptable' when they come from the dad than a partner.

I would hope I have never 'aided' H to be abusive. but I have mot always stepped in and told him off right away because 'It's beter for parents o present a united front in front of the dcs'.

Lots of issues there all muddled up with his behaviour towards me and his way to tell I'm wrong and overreacting. Plus being scared about how I am going to cope being a lone parent (Not the parenting bit actually, its the work bit that scares me).

Thank you anywy. In some ways it is nice to hear about stories like yours. I need to hear them to stop find excuses for him.

OP posts:

BumptiousandBustly · 01/07/2011 12:10

my point there might not have been very clear. My SF was emotionally abusive - my mother went along with it. It is now too late for her to admit that she did that as it would invalidate her whole life and who she sees herself as.

She therefore denies it ever happens and as such has been emotionally abusive herself.

I am estranged not just from him, but from her as-well. I am feel much better for this and don't think we will ever again have any kind of meaningful relationship!

In other-words - if you allow it, and don't prevent it, then you become part of it - and it can and does significantly damage your relationship with your son as well.

TrilllianAstra · 01/07/2011 12:11

The skills you need to a good father are (IMO) the same skills you need to be a good partner.

BumptiousandBustly · 01/07/2011 12:12

Mrsdumpfire - cross posted there, so my last wasn't in response to your last.

I can tell you that my bio father is a total F**Kup too and that I am and have always been very grateful that my mother left him.

My step father was my "father" - around since I was 4 and actually managed to do more damage that my bio father - so I think its the person who is actually THERE, acting as a father that does the damage!

TrilllianAstra · 01/07/2011 12:14

What I mean is, if he is a bad father I assume he is not a great partner either, so why would you want to stay with him?

Haribojoe · 01/07/2011 12:16

i couldn't, it's the one thing that I know I couldn't put up with.

Triphop · 01/07/2011 12:22

I think you've got quite a long list of reasons to leave him - and they all sound pretty convincing - and that you want to leave him (you tried before). Do you want to focus more on whether you ought to leave, and how you might acheive that?

Maybe it's best to ask the practical questions - how will I get by? What will happen to my business? How will contact between DH and the DC work?

Original poster

MrsDumpfire · 01/07/2011 12:30

Trihop, yes it's aexactely where I am at.
I know I need to leave and I will.

Practicalities stop me (money, business) and this stupid feeling when he isn't there that it is all in my head and things aren't that bad.

What I am not sure is whether it is right to hold on for 6 more months until my business is more established and then leave (because I will then know I will be more financially independant but how much harm will 6 months living with him do to my dcs?)

OP posts:

Original poster

MrsDumpfire · 01/07/2011 12:32

So far, I have booked my first session with a counsellor (to see what stops me from just leaving) and have taken big steps towards my financial independance. I still feel I need more time. but is that right?

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 01/07/2011 12:55

well you need to plan properly, and unless there is incident which causes you to fle then better to have everything all set up.

would he agree to leavethe house?

confusedperson · 01/07/2011 13:12

OP, I feel for you. I almost created a similar thread myself. My DC are 3yo and

ilovedora27 · 01/07/2011 20:54

No way. I married a man who was very paternal and was very good with children. To me that is one of the most important things in a husband. I dont understand anyone that isnt besotted with their children, be that man or woman. There is no greater gift than a child and as a parent you have such a profound effect on their life, and shape them in to the adults they are in the future.

RedGruffalo · 01/07/2011 23:02

I have often mulled this one myself, my DH can be like this too. But what puts me off is what would happen at weekends. It might be that H had the DC over night or at least for a chunk of time. I think at least I can see what goes on now and be there for DC, but how would it be sending them off for the weekend/day when they didn't want to go, and not knowing what is going on.

Flip

1 2