Dh just stormed out after yet another row

[whysogrumpy]

It just feels like the relationship is falling apart and I am feeling increasingly that we are being really unfair to the dc by the way we are behaving, but we can't seem to stop.

The latest one was triggered by him saying he was going out for a drink at 6.30. When he says "a drink" he means "a drink" - he was back well within an hour having had one pint, as I knew he would be. However, we have been increasingly short of money - I earn a reasonably good salary in a professional job and that supports the 4 of us (we have 2 pre-school dc and dh has a medical condition that made me the obvious choice to be the bread-winner) but the money is just not stretching that far anymore. We can pay the bills but the last couple of months we have ended up living on credit for the last few days - it's not a huge deal but I just feel he shouldn't be going out and frittering away the odd fiver here and there.

He had wanted to go because our computer has broken and this had upset him as he'd got some paid work to do from home and now can't do it until the computer is fixed which could cost him the job. To me, that is more reason not to go to the pub and it just annoys me that his knee-jerk reaction is "I need a pint." (We have no booze at home, it would have been one pint only, but it's the attitude that annoys me.) I am so stressed every night and could murder a drink but I resist until the weekend, partly for financial reasons!

Like every row we have (and they're nearly daily) it turns into him shouting and swearing at me and saying how negative I am, how I'm mad, not normal and he can't stand to be around me anymore. Dc were in bed, but possibly awake. I should add that we have always had a stormy relationship that involved shouting matches but since the dc I have calmed this down and now feel I shouldn't shout back, so it has just turned into him shouting at me and me not really replying. I just feel intimidated and I don't know if he's right - am I abnormal to be upset about his actions tonight? (He has never hit me but has got 'in my face' and is a big man - I do feel scared sometimes.)

It feels like I cannot raise any issue without him flying off the handle and I am so exhausted by it now. Our 2yo still feeds off me all night, my job is stressful and I just don't need these arguments 3/4 times a week. I keep thinking we should split but I hate the thought and I also know financially it would ruin us - I am honestly too tired to know if I really love him enough to be married to him or whether it is just the dc and money that are keeping us together.

Tonight's was especially bad - he doesn't usually storm out so no idea what to expect next - if ds wakes up before he's back I don't think I can cope. He usually apologises after losing it but it always happens again. I do know I can be negative and moany but is it all my fault.

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading.

You both seem (imo) rather prone to overrreacting.

I´d be pissed off about the drink but as you knew it would be only one then not worth causing a drama.

Also the snail & the hand on the wall-why are you stating the obvious to him?

But, him gettin "in your face", making fun of you when upset, totally not on.

And now-staying out deliberately to worry you?
(As chances are that he is safe).

I can certainly relate to the treading on eggshells thing, the refusing to discuss things that upset or worry me and a couple of times he has put me down in front of his family - or made sarcastic comments in front of them. we are both pretty sarcastic in our humour though. Yes, he also blames me for his outbursts, or says I am at least partly to blame.

I don't think I am quite as down-trodden as I appear to be coming across on here and have certainly given as good as I have got on several occasions. Someone asked whether I would feel able to tell him how angry I am about last night - yes I bloody well do! In fact, there have been (recent) occassions when he has gone out on a planned night out and has been slightly late home (30 mins) and I have sent him a barrage of abusive texts/messages I think that is why he turned his phone offf last night - to avoid that. It certainly doesn't excuse him staying out all night (still not back) but I do, when I calm down after these events, think that I made a situation worse, or to be precise created one where there needn't have been one.

As I said, I don't want such a fiery relationship now that we have dc but, conversely he seems far more short-tempered than before. Maybe he is annoyed I don't fight like I did

I have also thought that he could be more anxious about his illness than he admits - we have never really discussed it and please believe me when I say that I do not deal with it well when he is ill - I come across as angry and I know it's because I am scared but he, understandably, has felt let down by this on occassion. I am not saying this to put myself down and I know it doesn't excuse him shouting at me but I am not convinced that I haven't contributed to this situation somewhat.

Our relationship does seem unhealthy written down like this, whoever is to blame, and it's sad because we are happy a lot of the time. The second link was so long - I'm sure most relationships feature some of those behaviours some of the time - or am I totally deluded?

I am seriously worried about him now and don't know what to do - luckily I wasn't supposed to be in work (I guess he'd not have done this if I had) but where the fuck is he?

Perhaps telling you something you already know, but MS can affect behaviour. Take a look here in particular the bit headed "Emotional Lability".

To be clear - I am not in any way excusing his temper/behaviour, just suggesting there may be a medical issue here that needs to be considered/managed.

MS is a scary condition to have and he may well be very anxious about it. If you are appearing angry when he gets sick he may feel he can't share his fears with you, which won't be helping. Some counselling for you both (together and/or seperately) could really help you deal with the impact of his MS.

(I'm a tad biased on this stuff - I have long term health problems myself and know how huge an impact it can have on your state of mind/relationships. Apologies if it sounds like i'm taking sides here, i'm really not).

I hope he comes home soon. Best of luck sorting things out.

I'm not in any way condoning his aggressive behaviour but he's 30 mins 'late' home from a night out and you send him a barrage of abusive texts???

If that is an example of your usual treatment, then I would be feeling a little downtrodden in his shoes.

On a night out, surely you say roughly when you're getting back and 30 mins is neither here nor there? Maybe I'm way off on this.

I'm not saying you're to 'blame' - in fact looking for the one to blame is extremely counter-productive and causes these sorts of relationship breakdowns.

COUPLES COUNSELLING - I agree with the people who said this.

Morning whysogrumpy, I'm having similar issues with my dh at the moment. I got this www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1569246211/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/277-7317848-4818900 book for him and be is going to see a counsellor I think without this we would be doomed within a couple of years. He is a good man with anger issues but he recognises it and really wants to get some help to ensure he doesn't ruin our family. We too have financial stress and it is hard on everyone. Not much advise really except to say he can only change himself, you can't do it for him. Hope you don't have too stressful a day today.

"I have also thought that he could be more anxious about his illness than he admits - we have never really discussed it and please believe me when I say that I do not deal with it well when he is ill !"

I suspect this is a huge part of it. I think you must discuss it. If you are scared imagine how scared he must be.

None of it excuses his behaviour but bloody hell I am sure I'd be hard to live with if I was in his shoes. I feel for both of you.

OP - I believe you are in an abusive relationship - because I was in one and felt as you do.
Be prepared for the massive sense of shock when you admit this to yourself. You might find yourself completely agitated and shakey. I also had panic attacks and at one stage felt as though I was the 'mad' one (as my partner told me) because I was accusing him of being abusive. This stage lasted a few weeks for me. I managed to talk to my husband about his behaviour over a few weeks/months (this was very difficult). He eventually accepted that there was a big problem and sought help. In my case my husband was behaving like his father who was also abusive - when he made that connection he decided himself that he needed to change. He also knew that I was leaving him if he did not take action himself to sort out his problems. He did so via therapy (long term). I am still having separate therapy (long term) too.
I would strongly urge you to do some reading. The lundy book is excellent.
I now understand that I have the right to my own feelings. To not have them belittled. That I should be able to voice my opinions, no matter how trivial or difficult, without being shouted down or told that I am wrong, or blamed. I know that no matter how difficult things are, I do not (nor my dc) deserve to be treated badly. I realise now that I was not 'over-sensitive' - but simply trained to be exquisitely sensitive to my DH's moods to the detriment of my own. This inner conflict is extremely difficult to cope with in the long term and was a massive contributing factor to my ongoing (at the time) anxiety and frequent depression. Part and parcel of everything is the periods where things appear to be ok. It's a cycle though and you will always come back to the awful parts.
If your husband refuses to accept responsibility for his actions and behaviour you are on a hiding to nothing. A few honest chats with him will help, but his behaviour (or rather his belief that he has the right to behave as he does) is so ingrained it will take much more than that for real change to happen. I know what your life feels like (eggshells etc. - many of us here understand) and it's miserable. Please consider your options.

I agree with Amverytired , i think this is an abusive relationship . Its not normal to shout in someones face or to tell them their not normal . Ive been in one myself and it gradually becomes normal and acceptable , but its not . If anyone else was treating you like this , ie , a freind or a colleauge you would instantly recognise it as abusive aggressive behaviour and you wouldnt put up with it .

Its normal to react abusiveley to abuse , and its also normal to blame yourself for it . Its not your fault , and you shouldnt be being treated like this . Storming off and staying out is also an abusive tactic to punish you and make you keep your mouth shut . Please consider some of the books suggested here , and perhaps start to educate yourself about emotional abuse . A chat with womens aid wouldnt go amiss either .

It seems to me that he has anger management problems and that he is quite clearly bullying you. He may not have hit you (yet) but he is an abuser no doubt about it. Give it a couple of years and the shouting and getting in your face will turn into a shove and then a slap because he has already got a taste for intimidating you and enjoying it.

I have one question. What is he like with your children? Is he patient with them or does he lose his rag with them when they play up? Are they as scared of him as you are?

You know that the way he behaves is out of order though don't you op? Instinctively you know that something is badly wrong with your relationship or you wouldn't have posted to try to get some perspective.

Your instincts are there to protect you, listen to the little voice inside that that tells you that you can't deserve the treatment he dishes out to you. I know identifying this as abusive is scary and in some ways it's easier to blame yourself or think that its because you react to him or wind him up. But the thing is, it doesn't matter what you do or don't do though does it? Even if you go quiet he still shouts at you.

His illness is not an excuse for the way he treats you either. He chooses to do this, nobody makes him.

And screaming at the mother of his kids, making her cry and creating an atmosphere are also not the actions of a good father. Even if it is only directed at you, if they hear or witness it it WILL be affecting them.

You don't have to tick every box on those lists for it to be classed as abuse, even some is too many. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.