Would this bother you?

[compendium]

If you and your DH (or equivalent) had planned on having a conversation about something sensitive - something that your couple therapist had suggested you talk about - and you agreed to take your coffee upstairs to bed to talk about it there, would you be annoyed if, on the way upstairs, your DH just disappeared off to sort out the laundry without telling you, finished his coffee, then wanted to go to the bathroom to get ready for bed, all while you were waiting for him to have an already delayed and difficult discussion?

If H is really good at practical support - and doesn't make you "pay" you for it - it seems odd that you're feeling the lack of emotional support as acutely as you do. Mostly we tend to balance these things out for ourselves: you might feel terribly distressed when you needed a good listening-to, now and again, but overall you'd take a swings-and-roundabouts view of the benefits to your relationship.

That isn't happening so the problem really is quite deep :(

Going back to what you said about his mother, it does look as if he's punishing you for her inadequacies. What was his father doing at the time? Did he, too, try not to have any needs; was it all about the mother's convenience?

My point, earlier, was that you've successfully grasped how emotional support works despite suffering the same impediments as a child. Your parents resented your being a child (how dare you need looking after?!) but you haven't ended up embattled & controlling. You are living proof that a deprived childhood isn't an excuse for withholding respect & affection in adult life.

I think the therapist would say that emotional support is so important to me because I suffered from lack of it (parents were physically and emotionally abusive) so much.

I do know that DH is getting much better at getting emotional support, and after a session a few weeks ago, he suggested to me afterwards - of his own accord - that we needed to work much more as a team, and we had a v constructive discussion about how to do that and he has definitely been making an effort to do that (and did apologise immediately once when he hadn't done that - again, the apology was of his own accord, not initiated by me getting cross or anything).

To be fair, fuzzpig does raise a point when talking about her own husband - about spotting a job that needs doing. DH made me and him a coffee last night, and asked where I wanted to sit down and talk. If I'd said the living room, I know he wouldn't have gone and done the washing because he wouldn't have seen it. The washing is in our bathrooom/laundry room on the first floor, so it was when we passed it, with the door open, on our way up to our bedroom that H saw the washing machine and went in to hang up the washing.

But there is a deep issue about emotional support here, definitely.

As for DH's father - that is v sad subject and would so like to discuss it with you but am reluctant to put his personal situation on here for fear of someone recognising him. Hmm, what to do ...

gah - should be H is getting much better at GIVING emotional support

to clarify the team thing - H realised and 'got' that we are sometimes almost competing with eachother rather than helping each other, and that we tend to deal with things on our own rather than relying on each other.

Hmm, well making a coffee and the occasional meal isn't su much supportive as ordinary!

So, OK, he's perhaps decided he could do with learning "how to be a partner". Meanwhile, you're stuck in a frustrating (lonely?) marriage and faced with the joyous task of being his teacher. I know what I think about this, having done something remarkably similar, but I am not you and your life's different from mine. I do want to remind you again that you're free to choose at every turn. If a solo session with your counsellor might help you evaluate your priorities, then please do ask for one.

Your background may have left you feeling that respect, affection, compassion, etc are rare gifts which must be earned through suffering. As this is not so, it could be something to discuss in a solo session perhaps.

HI compendium, didn't want that to look as if had walked away from you. I don't have experience in the kind of relationship issues garlicnutter is talking about so not sure how else to contribute as really unsure which view of your DH is the truest one, and don't want to downplay something that shouldn't be.

But I wish you the best of luck, it sounds like a difficult and confusing time for you, and I agree with garlic that you can always look for a one-to-one with the counsellor to open up about this. Rember there is nothing selfish or over-the-top about getting as much professional support as you think you need to work through things.

omaoma Thank you for coming back to this

I've been meaning to address garlicbutter's last post but was mustering up the energy. I'm not sure where you get the idea, gb, that my DH only makes the odd cup of coffee or the odd meal. That is not the case AT ALL. He does practically all the cooking and laundry for one thing (I have been having a manic work phase setting up my business recently, so he has been picking up the slack at home even though he works FT)

If you are who I think you are (a poster who had to have various variations of a certain name), then I while I think you have a lot to offer, I also think you might be prone to a bit of projection here.

He apologised to me last night for going off to do the washing - he said he didn't consider how it would make me feel, but he has now and will communicate with me better in future. And tonight he asked me to tell him about the time I was nearly abducted (which is what we were going to talk about the other night). I did, he listened and was empathetic, surprisingly so, and I felt we 'dealt' with that issue and put it to bed.

I know that I have a choice. And for the moment my choice is to keep working through things and see where we get with the therapy, given we are beginning to tackle difficult issues in it and are making progress (by the therapist's own admission). And while I do that, I am keeping an open mind.

Sorry, should be - 'USED to have various variations of a certain name - not HAD

I'm sorry I upset you, compendium. I haven't been sure about your relationship from what you wrote - it was unclear to me whether you were working through some uncomfortable difficulties or trying to make the best of a damaging situation.

Since you were getting good and sensible replies from others about improving communication, I felt it best to keep open the possibility that you were in an abusive relationship. I thought I was managing a reasonable balance, but apparently not. I really didn't mean to alarm or anger you.

It sounds like a good move forward has been made and you and DH are both committing to trying to change your behaviour. Sounds like you're going to have a great bit of example to unpick at the next session!

And your story is a good reminder that sometimes moving forward is not a smooth transition, but involves stops and starts and what seems like moving backwards to get over whatever hump is in the way.

I think your'e aware that all you really have control over is your own behaviour and responses, not DH's, but if you make a commitment to be transparent about your feelings, and keep the communication channels open, then it will make a massive difference.