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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shall I?

46 replies

LadyBlaBlah · 29/06/2011 10:00

I have just come out of an abusive relationship (v.early days) of 16 years and I have a predicament.

I think everyone says that you should stay clear of men for a while, however I have met someone and here are my thoughts. I have a really screwed up view of sex having been coerced, put down and basically used for sex for a long time. And I want this to change and feel like I need to prove to myself that sex can be enjoyable again and not all men are hideous sex pests. This guy I have met is completely out of my social circle and (obviously) would be well up for a no strings arrangement, and I do fancy the pants off him.

Shall I or not? Will I regret it or will I have a Thelma and Louise - Brad Pitt moment of sexual liberation? I hate the fact I have not had reasonable sex for so long and that I was made to feel like it was all my fault.

OP posts:

oldwomaninashoe · 29/06/2011 12:35

I'm a bit "yeah but no but" about this.
I was in a similar situation after my first marriage and jumped in with both feet and eyes wide open!
It was great sex, he was fun, BUT I fell for him, and to cut a long story short ended up terribly hurt as I suppose I was already emotionally fragile.

Looking back in retrospect it was a learning curve, it did my confidence no end of good to realise that I was "fanciable" still, and I did have fun, and perhaps that first "toe in the water" after a broken long term relationship is never going to be "right" but it is a step to be taken.

Go with your gut, and enjoy, but be prepared for any subsequent emotional fallout.

Good Luck!

Diggs · 29/06/2011 12:40

I did this , and even now im not sure how i feel about it . It didnt go wrong , i wasnt abused or anything , but i did realise very quickly that i still had a problem with boundrys , in some ways it was a positive and in some ways a negative . Finding yourself not able to assert yourself , just over something little can make you take a few steps back , i dunno

Hullygully · 29/06/2011 12:42

Sard one and no mistake.

Bet she does it...

Original poster

LadyBlaBlah · 29/06/2011 12:55

Hully - my inner voice

Even the stories of emotional fallout are not putting me off too much, wary probably, but you are all saying you learnt valuable lessons by doing this. I think I need to teach myself a lesson

OP posts:

SexyDomesticatedDab · 29/06/2011 13:09

Have some good sex because not had any for years and years
Have some fun
Have some good sex because not had any for years and years
Have some fun
Have some good sex because not had any for years and years
Have some fun
Have some good sex because not had any for years and years
Have some fun
Have some good sex because not had any for years and years
Have some fun
Have some good sex because not had any for years and years
Have some fun
Have some good sex because not had any for years and years
Have some fun

Convinced now?

Original poster

LadyBlaBlah · 29/06/2011 13:15

PMSL

Actually he is really hot as well - did I mention that bit ?

Oh. My. God.

OP posts:

TimeForMeIsFree · 29/06/2011 13:59

Go for it! I certainly would!! In fact, does he have a brother?

AnyFucker · 29/06/2011 14:47

Feel the fear and do it anyway

Just keep your wits about ya

And report back

Original poster

LadyBlaBlah · 29/06/2011 16:12

Well I've texted him something inappropriate. Seems to have gone down well

OP posts:

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 29/06/2011 16:28

Details!

AnyFucker · 29/06/2011 16:30

oi, don't go all coy on us now !

Original poster

LadyBlaBlah · 29/06/2011 16:55

I will provide ALL the relevant details, no fear. Can't discuss in RL for fear of leaks back to stbx and will need to somewhere to vent

He's up for it, let's put it that way

OP posts:

WillIEverBeASizeTen · 29/06/2011 17:39

Personally, I wouldn't (even though I'd be gagging for it) and that's because I think it's way too soon, even though it's "essentially" no strings.

I don't think you realise just how vulnerable you are, I speak from experience. It takes a strong female to have a no strings affair, men fair so much better at this.

If you do go ahead (and the odds are looking that way) tread cautiously, it's so so easy to get caught up...

Good luck x

TheScenicRailway · 29/06/2011 17:57

I noticed you said that the new man would be "obviously" up for some NSA sex.

And that a risk you haven't mentioned is that he falls for you.

Now if your reaction to that possible risk is: "Well, that would be bloody brilliant" then it gives you some indication of how you can personally cope with a NSA relationship.

If it's "Bloody hell, no way" then you might be fine and able to cope.

But don't assume that just because he's a man, he will.

Original poster

LadyBlaBlah · 29/06/2011 19:46

Mmm interesting point scenicrailway, I think I've presumed he wouldn't fall for me and that's just fine. I'm sure I would not like him to either.......NSA!

Bad or good?

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 29/06/2011 23:27

Probably good :) It's good to have some time on your own, and really value it. You can't feel secure in a relationship if you're afraid of being single again. If being single is a reasonable alternative then you won't put up with as much shit.

UnhappyLizzie · 30/06/2011 11:26

Go for it. Better to regret something you did do than to regret something you didn't. On balance, looks like benefits will outweigh the risks and all relationships are risky anyway.

indecisiveforever · 30/06/2011 12:03

I have to agree with BertieBotts - I too did this, had a fling whilst my marriage was failing due to DH's affair. Started as flirting (I've known the OM about 10 years, but previously only professionally), then moved on to serious flirting! We have had sex, only met up twice but my God was it good!

However... I did/have fallen for him, and am having to accept that whilst I'd love it to go further, OM is involved in a messy breakup of his own and has told me that although 'very fond' of me, he can't think about having a relationship with me. I knew all this and still allowed myself to fall for him. But I think that's part of the recovery to be honest, it has to happen with someone, might as well be someone not in your social circle, so you can do it from afar then hopefully move on, and your next relationship will be much healthier!

So I'd say, you'll probably go for it anyway, just keep a bit of emotional distance, and be prepared in case you do fall for him - I think in that 'just out of a relationship' stage we are a bit fragile, and its likely to happen.

Good luck though, and FWIW, in my case the sex was awesome...

Original poster

LadyBlaBlah · 30/06/2011 16:12

If the texts are anything to go by, I might be lucky and have awesome sex too. Something has awakened

I know there is the possibility I will fall for him and want more, and actually can clearly see that happening, but f it, I need to go through this to move on. He is 7 years my junior for a start and I'm not exactly take home to meet your mother material for him, so must always remember that and take it for what it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

LadyBlaBlah · 04/07/2011 11:25

Well, there is something to report. I met him over the weekend and it was amazingly amazing . Not what I thought was my type (think that is good) but we had such a good time and it was so indescribably nice to be with a 'normal' bloke. I totally noticed how fucking subservient and brainwashed I am into pleasing men and being scared and on edge that "I might upset them" and I need to change that quick smart. It was really really obvious and quite pathetic how I have been conditioned for so long to basically be a worthless slave to my partner.

But shit, now I am desperate to text him and bask in the glow, but having to stop myself. We have texted a few times since, but I could easily keep on going so must Step Away from the Texts.

OP posts:

Wisedupwoman · 04/07/2011 17:11

. Do you want 'good sex' which simply isn't abusive, or 'good sex' which is earth shatteringly orgasmic?

The way I see it, sex with someone who is new, and is no strings, and is in the context of your desire to experience non-exploitative intimacy is a bit rife with potential pitfalls.

But christ, you only live once.

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