Just had a horrible row with DP

[RoseC]

I think I need a little bit of sense kicking in to me. At some point I do need to apologise for not listening to him in the beginning but I'm so upset at the moment I can't even be in the same room as him.

Long story short, we moved in together at the end of Jan and I set up nearly every bill, partly because I'd never lived with a boyfriend before and (I see now) I was modelling on my parents where my Mum does everything as my Dad is 'incapable'. DP works in IT and recommended a new broadband provider I had heard bad things about. I wanted BT. He said he didn't care about the package & wanted a cheap one.

Every month we have exceeded our download limit and I upgraded last month as it was so bad. This month we have twelve days left and (at least) will get a bill of £110 excess. It's all his downloading - movies, tutorials for work, god knows what.

To me £110 is a phenomenal amount of money to waste when he has access to good computers and free Internet at work. He comes from a very comfortable background (I really don't) and doesn't see the problem but he's being made redundant at the end of next month and I don't think he has a clue what the work situation is like - we live in the NE, he's from Germany and has got his previous jobs through family contacts which don't exist here (current job was part of PhD).

He says he shouldn't have 'let' me sign up for something I know nothing about. I told him he should have said 'I want unlimited downloads' instead of 'cheap'. He says I should have been monitoring the online account every day (have just emailed him the passwords - it's his problem now) and I told him that I don't understand how any intelligent adult can't figure out that they've downloaded more than 40GB (our limit), especially when the total is closer to 150GB. He doesn't even watch half the stuff he downloads and the reason I am so upset is that he's sitting in the living room right now and still downloading. We are stuck in the contract for sixteen more months.

Sorry, this is quite long. Does anyone have any advice on how I can suck it up please? I know he won't apologise - he never does :( I don't have much experience with relationships.

you are both in a new relationship
you both have to learn to compromise, you cant carry on living as you did when you were single, and nor can he

and talk!

talk!

talk!

It's not that easy to talk about serious things. It's like pulling teeth - I really have to gear myself up for it. Usually he answers in grunts or 'mmm's or just stares at me until I lose it, get upset (not cross upset, more nearly-tears but not as I won't cry in front of him and I hate feeling like I'm being hysterical) and then he finally says more than two words.

This may be due to the language barrier but equally I don't know enough to speak to him in his language. I do tell him, in the five or so times we've had serious chats, that I understand if he can't get the right words.

Just called him and said I wanted to talk when he got home. He said yes and seemed very serious. I think he may still be cross with me for not keeping a closer eye on the broadband and cross for restricting his freedom to do as he pleases. He thinks if I express an opinion then it's my absolute wish that he toe the line so he complies with what he sees as small things (that I'm not bothered about, I was just airing an opinion for him to take or leave) and then gets cross about things that mean more because he's done the little things (that I couldn't really care less about but was looking to see if there was a compromise possible... if not, no big deal) so why can't I shut up about the big things. I have tried telling him so often that my opinion is not a wish that he comply but he doesn't seem to understand. Don't know if that's linguistics or an emotional issue.

Perhaps fortunately if it all goes wrong our lease is up at the end of next month.

Upgrade your broadband to unlimited download. Saved our family a packet in charges.

jester I am not judging this relationship due to the age gap. I am judging it (for want of a better word) on the evidence the OP is presenting to us here. Her partner has never EVER told her he loves her and they have been together since Nov 2009! I don't think there is anyone on here who would not agree that isin't a brilliant sign. Even the most emotionally shy of men would, I am sure, manage to say it at least once in that amount of time.

Just how bad is the lanuage barrier OP? from what you write it sounds pretty bad to be honest.

If you want marriage and children you need to tell him now and if he gives you any answer other than 'Yes that is what I want as well' then I'm sorry but you need to run for the hills. Even if he tells you he want's then in some vauge time 'In the future' then sorry but that isin't good enough. My ex who was 16 years older would tell me he wanted marriage and kids 'Some day' and guess what? that day never came and probably never would have.

24 seems young but believe me it can very easily be wasted on a man who isin't worth it. I spent 4 years with a guy like that and by the time I got the strength to leave my entire life and head was totally f**ked up. Now I am 32 and still unmarried and childless. I firmly believe I would not be where I am if I had made more sensible choices in the past.

It sounds harsh but you only have one life, at your age you should not be wasting it on any man who makes you feel anything other than 100% supported and appreciated. Does your partner make you feel that way? sometimes you have to sit down and ask yourself some very tought questions and you might not like the answers!

Oh and bollocks to him being cross with you for not keeping a closer eye on the broadband. He's a grown man and it isin't your job to mother him. If he hates his mother as much as he alledges (not a good sign either imo, unresolved parent issues of that depth do not make for a stable, well rounded adult) then he shouldn't expect you to act like her!

Good luck with the talk, let us know what happens. I don't want to sound like I'm being unkind, it's just whenever I read threads from women who remind me of the situation I once found myself in my blood runs cold.

How much electricity does turning the plug on the charger save? To be fair to your boyf you do sound abit OCD about household stuff and i'm not surprised you argue over phone charger etc. How much lekkie does that save?

Okay, so we had a talk :) He's now having a nap (!) whilst I sit next to him.

I must admit I was too nervous to ask about love, children or marriage but I did tell him that I still had questions I was too scared to ask and he said okay so he knows something is coming and I have set a deadline of Christmas. I really appreciate you sharing your experience milkandwhite and you are right; I need to make sure we are on the same page.

From today (and the little he's said before) his mother has done a total number on him and no, he's not well-rounded in an emotional sense. He said he doesn't believe he ever can be and I said 'well, if I promise not to tell anyone anything you tell me in that capacity, will you at least tell me?'. He did then open up more than he has previously (not going to post what he said as I did make that promise). I made it clear (hopefully) that I think not being able to reform your emotional outlook is rubbish.

We have resolved the broadband issue and made up. He is now in charge and did tell me some of the things that bug him about me (not that many tbh, which makes me feel bad for bitching on here).

I am going to persevere because there is a lot of good and he does make me very happy otherwise. I also feel a little sorry for the fact that he is only just beginning to realise that keeping everything to himself is not healthy and (although I feel v bad for asking him) he very much regrets not telling his father that we were dating before he died a year ago. Now he's left with his Mum only to do the first visit. I also finally managed to tell him how much that decision had hurt me.

For my part I need to let the phone charger go and stop emulating my mother

Thank you very much for all your advice. It's helped me keep a calm head and really think about what I want.

Blimey Rose, are relationships meant to be such hard work?

Take it from an old biddy, your 20's will fly by - do you really want to look back on your youth and have memories of phone chargers and broadband providers and being too scared to bring up the subject of love?

I hope at least the sex is amazing...

sorry but agree with tall. it should flow easily. but hey ho if you want/think you can make things work out then good luck to you - but keep an eye still on things - ie him being selfish & controlling.

FWIW, the German bit explains much.

When I was 38 I dated a German woman who was 28. She had started school at 7, stayed there till she was 19, went to university for EIGHT years and finally got her first ever job aged 27. When I was with her she was pushing 30 but had all the life experience of a 22-year-old, and behaved like one.

When I went to her for the weekend (she still lived in one room, the one she had lived in as a student), there would be no food, drink, milk, dry or clean towels, or even crockery. When we went out, it had to be with 20 of her closest mates, never just the two of us even though we could only meet 2 to 3 weekends a month. She would also unvaryingly want to stay out till 7am talking to her mates in smelly smokey clubs. She refused to visit anywhere (Paris, Vienna etc) unless he had friends she could stay with and spend the whole time with, Paris obviously being very boring otherwise.

She was attractive, intelligent, and terrific in the sack, and probably found me a very boring and old 38, to be fair to her.

A 40 year old German with a PhD may have been in full time education until he was 35 or 36. If he acts young, it's because all this responsibility malarkey hasn't really been a feature of his life.

This was a deal breaker for me but maybe not for you. At 40 though he will have got quite used to living by his own rules, and will find it quite irritating that he can't do whatever he wants. Much like you felt when you were his emotional age, i.e. about 17.

Incidentally, FWIW, do not "talk talk talk".

There is talk and there is communucation. Your EQ should tell you when you are being communicated with.

Women talk 3x as much as men because they like it (www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-419040/Women-talk-times-men-says-study.html).