MH issues and abuse : when is enough enough ?

[kitty4paws]

Quick summary:
Dh has no short term memory, forgets stuff from 5 minutes ago, even BIG stuff e.g. a death in the family.

This I can cope with but his agression and mood swings is just sooo hard to live with. I have had a good 6 months of being continutally on egg shells around him, dreading the next outburst.

But on the flip side he is otherwise a lovely man, great with the kids ( unless he's in a mood of course).

We were so happy together before all this came upon us, not sure what the casue is ( stress ?? Depression ??) how long it will last will he ever be "right" again.

I feel a total, total failure as a wife, I have let him down, I am just the WORST person he could have as a carer. But I feel like I can't take anymore, but than I think , "but its ILLNESS" and then everyone will look at me and think I am a complete b*h for treatign him like this.

Help !

oh and ask GP to refer you to NHS counsellor - you need support here (the illness is a big trauma in your life to cope with) and space to talk over these things in RL with objective third party. how many times does the HCP ask how you are doing? what support do they give you?

thanks for all your great replies,

I have a good deal to think about,

as ever I think that MN should be on prescription,

thank you all you lovley ladies, I am off to bed now.

Eh?? Is instantly forgetting major life events a symptom of depression?

Ime, massive mood swings aren't a depressive symptom either, we tend to stick to variations on a miserable mood all the time.

You need to get him to a better doctor sharpish, methinks.

It is normal to take out your frustrations on a partner irrespective of whether or not they have caused them, it is always those closest who get the shit.

If the anti-depressants are not working tell the doctor so they can be changed, they take about six weeks to kick in properly.

Your partner needs to carry a notebook and write things down as they happen so he can go back over the information constantly and keep up to date with things.

Try not to take things personally they aren't.

might be "normal" to take out frustrations on those closst - but doesnt make it acceptable - partner has right to say "no more".

kitty I think that if I was you, I would speak to his doctors alone and state your case... that you want to support him, but that his behaviour is becoming unbearable and is not healthy for your kids either and see what they say. Challenge them and ask whether the abuse is part of the illness. Maybe if you had some understanding the long term prognosis for him, you might feel easier.

I realise some of these things are impossible to get answers to but are they suggesting that he will be like this forever, or is it only until they can get medication to help him and it will all settle down.

When my exH had mental health problems, the first time I took responsibility myself because I felt responsible for him, for better for worse and all that stuff and I felt it would be wrong to ditch him when he was ill. The second episode, I saw what was coming and rang mental health team and informed them that the situation was unbearable and I was getting out but he might "do soemthing silly" I felt much more comfortable then putting my own needs first.

I actually left him and never went back which I realise might not be relevant to your situation but the point i'm trying to make is that until i realised and accepted that I was not responsible for his mental health and well being, I could only think of myself as his "carer". and once I realised that it wasn't my responsiblitiy, it made my decisions clearer.

In my case, it was depression alongside abuse and once I let go of the depression as an excuse, the abuse was clearer and I realised I wanted out.

I hope that makes sense, if not I apologise for rambling

if it is part of his diagnosis then ask which meds he can take to control the mood. is he preapred to take meds and side effects to control the moods?
needs frank discussion with his doctors.

in the end - to take it to an extreme - when someone does something seriously harmful/abusive -then the verdict of "mad" (MH) or "bad" (knew what he was doing) only impacts on where they end up - jail or hospital...

with a domestic situation - can it be controlled by drugs/CBT/behaviour modification or not? if yes - treat but that treatment if long term might still have to take place outside the home and away from the DC.

if untreatable - live elsewhere outside the home, visit DC only when well.

ps only using mad and bad coz it rhymes, not intending to insult MH