How come my brother is wonderful yet I do everything for my parents and i am the bad guy?

[FeelingOld]

This is more of a rant to 'get it all of my chest' than a question i suppose.

Brief background......I am a single parent to 2, i work fulltime and i am the main carer to my elderly and disabled parents.

My dad has parkinsons disaese and prostate cancer and needs help getting in and out of bed, help with dressing etc (carers come in to shower him etc) but alot of the work falls on my mum (who is registered blind but has a small amount of vision), she is there all day with him so has to fetch and carry for him and help him with toileting etc. They do have a cleaner to make life easier. I go round everyday, i do online shop for them, i sort out all paperwork, banking etc and i go round at night to put dad to bed. I clean him up when he has accidents and i do all i can to make their life easier. I cook meals and take them round and make stuff to put in the freezer.I take them on holiday every year.They cant leave the house without me so i take them out whenever i can.

My mum constantly moans at me about my lack of help and about how hard it is for her (i know it is hard for her), if she wants something doing it has to be done now and cant possibly wait, she also moans that i never take her out (took her out monday, weds, saturday and sunday last week). She rings me at least twice a day with things she needs doing which can not possibly wait and i try my hardest to get them done but even if i do she will find fault or the things i did this afternoon needed to be done this morning.

My brother lives an hour and a half drive away, his kids are in their 20's and have left home so its just him and SIL, he visits for the day about every 3 months and after he has been i have to listen to my mum going on about'how wonderful he is and how lovely it was that he found time in his hectic life to visit mum and dad and how nice it was he took them out for a meal (i take them out every other week for tea) and how mum gave him some money to take SIL out for a nice meal sometime because they work so hard and deserve it!!'

My dad is so lovely and appreciates everything i do for him and he just asks me not to say anything to my mum about all of this as he hates any kind of upset or confrontation but its really getting me down. I just feel like packing my bags and running away, just not sure how much longer i can bite my tongue really.

Oh well, rant over, if you made it this far, well done!!

FeelingOld, what a fantastic daughter you are. I am sorry about your DM's reaction.

But I am so very for you about your brother. He has 3 holidays a year but you can't have more than a couple of days because otherwise your parents couldn't manage?? That's outrageous. And your SIL is a nurse! I'm not saying she should take on the burden just because of her job, but as a pair they could handle the situation perfectly well - anything your brother isn't sure about re care, lifting, medication, your SIL should be able to give him guidance / help so he becomes more confident.

What would happen if you were ill? Or did your back in? Or, heaven forfend, just wanted a family break for a week? Perhaps approach your brother on the basis of how he needs to be able to step up in case of any of those things happening.

DD2 has worked for a home care agency, & some of her shifts didn't finish till 11pm, so you should be able to get someone now & again to put your dad to bed later than 9pm.

I am totally in awe of you, FeelingOld, & your kids sound great.

(Does your brother contribute financially btw?)

OP, the least you should do is writing a care diary. list everything you do each day, so you have it black and white.
my mother was caring for my grandmother before her death and had a similar situation with her siblings who only visited or very seldom took over so my mother could go away for a weekend.

a bit like:
7:30 - 8:00 waking up dad, washing and dressing, preparing breakfast for mom and dad, packing away the supermarket delivery, putting on a wash

btw, my aunt and uncle contributed financially, but only after they got a copy of a months diary and a copy of all the money my mother has spent on the extras like nappies, meals on wheels, podiatrist (different country, so a lot had to be paid by the carers).

Thanks everyone for your support. I think i just needed to vent on here but you have all been very helpful with your suggestions.

Ponders Luckily my parents are ok financially, they are by no means rich but they are able to pay for the carers, cleaner, gardener, chiropodist, hairdresser who come to the house as my dad gets a decent private pension.

NO1 Last year i had flu and was unable to get out of bed for 4 days. Luckily my parents have fantastic neighbours (who themselves are in their late 60's) who took round some shopping and kept and eye on them and my kids looked after me and popped round to my parents to help out however they could so we muddled through.

Mousymouse The care diary sounds like a good idea, i could then show it to my brother to show exactly how much i do for my parents because i dont think he realises how much they need looking after, he only sees them for about 6 hours at a time, 4/5 times a year.

I was going to suggest a care diary too, FeelingOld - and showing it to your mum (can she read at all, if you were to print it in a big font?) as well as your brother.

I would feel very tempted to be blunt with your mum, but I do understand what you are saying about your dad's health. Could you ask the close friend to have another word with your mother - maybe a bit stronger than before - perhaps even asking your mum to consider if they could manage without all the work you do for them?

I am sorry to hear of your situation - I think it's wonderful that you are able to help your parents in the way you do, and very sad that your mum seems unappreciative.

Regarding money, are your parents both claiming Attendance Allowance? My grandparents were reluctant to claim it at first, seeing it as charity, until we explained that it is actually a repayment of their taxes that they paid throughout their working lives! My parents are their main carers (both grandparents on my dad's side and my mum's mother).

My maternal grandmother saves her attendance allowance up, as my mum and my aunt who also helps her, won't take any money for the things they do. She gives it to her great grandchildren as Christmas money! My other grandparents spend theirs on having someone come to do their garden (their pride and joy, which was making them so sad to see that they could no longer care for it). They are all in a very lucky position not to have to use the money to pay for additional carers, but the day is likely to come when they will. Perhaps it is something you can look into for them, and maybe it could help pay for additional care while you have some time off with your DCs?

Pookamoo They both get attendance allowance already, thats what funds most of what they pay out for the carers, cleaner etc and leaves them with a good amount of my dads pensions to pay bills etc and they usually manage to save some money each month so they have some 'rainy day' money. They are also very generous to all 4 grandchildren. Finances are not really the issue, its support from my brother i need really and a bit of recognition instead of constant criticism and moaning from my mum.

With regards to your brother, I would be tempted to just book your holiday and then present it to him, with notice, as a done deal. He is as responsible as you are, regardless of what he thinks is the deal. With enough notice and a bit if effort a nurse can change her shifts, just the same as any other shift worker. he sounds like an utterly selfish arse:(

Ah, ok, I thought it might be worth looking into from the point of view that they could then afford extra help on top of your generous time, and that might give you a bit of a break.

My grandmother is much the same, she always says she's not "seen anyone" for ages, although my mum and aunt go twice a day every day, somehow it doesn't count for anything. And her four other children can do no wrong!

I agree with the idea of the caring diary, just to let your brother know what's involved. Then as littlemiss says, you could present him with a "done deal".

I really feel for you, especially as I am in that situation too and it's really no fun to try and try and try and then brother turns up [only ever when he needs anything] and they worship him. Or at least, my mum does.

I think you need to take it up with your brother though if it upsets your mum. He needs to pull his finger out and pull his weight. I have no idea how you fit it all in

I agree completely about the diary - just keep it for one week, send it to your brother & say "this is what I do every week & I need a break"

Assuming he bites the bullet & comes to cover for you you'll have to be prepared for your mother worshipping the ground he walks on even more than she does now, but at least he'll know what's involved, & you might be able to let her lack of appreciation of you wash over you a bit more.

Hope our appreciation of what you're doing helps you a bit anyway

You sound like a fantastic daughter that any parent would be proud of.
It is a shame that your mother does not acknowledge what you do, but I am also wondering if she might be taking her frustrations with your brother on you? If he was always the favoured child, it must rankle her that he only sees her a handful of times, and she might be coming to the painful realisation that he is not that great.
I think either way, you need to be honest about your feelings re: the situation as it will become increasingly difficult to deal with. To avoid upsetting your dad, would it be possible to write her a letter, or involve a third party?