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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Need to vent....

18 replies

MariaMaria1984 · 27/06/2011 22:58

aaaaargh!!!

In the middle of a seperatioin. Hubby left baby and I when bubs was 6 weeks old. That was about 3 months ago.

Our relationship has been really fraught, although he has been seeing baby 2-3 times a week. Just spoke to my father-in-law's partner (we are currently in the process of renting out our house, and she is doing the leg work for us), and she in not so many words said that I was being selfish because I am going to Italy for 3 weeks next monday (staying with family and need to clear my head). Stress has meant that my milk is running extremely low, so I cannot generally be too far from baby, although he has formula feeds, I try to avoid it. So I said that the day before we leave, he can have the baby for 4 hours, which includes me feeding him before he goes, then one formula feed (that I am reluctant to do anyway), then back to me for his next feed. But apparently I am being selfish for doing that, and that I should just give him formula for that day so H can have him for the whole day. She even had the cheek to suggest an overnight stay....he is 4 months old and still breastfeeding FFS!!!! I know I am going away for a long time, so he wants to see his son, but he is the one that left, and he is still controlling my life, even when he is the one that caused this breakup!! I didnt want to go away, but I need to clear my head, for my son's sake. I should point out that he did NOTHING to save our marriage when he walked away, but has declared it over...

I am just so hurt and angry, I just dont know what to do anymore :(

Please tell me it gets better...

OP posts:

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 27/06/2011 23:00

Ignore the partner. Her opinion does not matter.

Alambil · 27/06/2011 23:06

can you get to see a bf counsellor to help you increase your milk? surestart centres may have someone you can talk to

as hard as it is, you must try to ignore her - he's using a cheap shot to get to you. I imagine he'll book a holiday at some point for as long as he wants - it will be interesting to see if he considers contact...

AnyFucker · 27/06/2011 23:07

don't let this woman erode your resolve

she is nothing to you

WhoAteMySnickers · 27/06/2011 23:07

Ignore her. The last thing you need is some step-relative of your ex sticking her oar in and causing you more stress. Her opinion doesn't matter a jot.

seriouslynow · 27/06/2011 23:08

You're the mother, YOU decide. Follow your instincts because they're always right. To hell with the partner. Not her business.

H left you. So what if the consequences are not to his liking?

Must be tough for you, keep strong and have a good holiday.

omaoma · 27/06/2011 23:11

you're only going to Italy. If contact is so important, he could fly there and back in a day to get some contact with his son (unless he is completely broke/on benefits - and even then perhaps his 'concerned' parents and their partners could help him out?)

I'm guessing that the contact isn't worth £100 to him or whatever a cheap Easyjet flight would be though.

omaoma · 27/06/2011 23:12

and yes - if his son was so bloody important to him he could have tried NOT walking out on him at 6 weeks old.

Original poster

MariaMaria1984 · 27/06/2011 23:36

Thanks guys. I was just in tears to my mum, convinced that I was being selfish. And I got back from counselling today, was feeling really strong and empowered (hence I rang her to discuss the house!). I guess people will always bring you down!!

OP posts:

GiveMeSomeSpace · 27/06/2011 23:40

Let's be clear - He's the one that has opted out of your marriage and child's life. He's the selfish one. If he'll walk out when the baby is 6 weeks old then it's a almost certain that he'll never be a good father.

Take control of your and your child's life.

Good luck :)

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 27/06/2011 23:46

Hi, as an aside to all the bollox from your ex...have you tried expressing into a medela pump or similar? It can help get thd quantity of milk up. When ds was 4 or 5 months and sleeping a little in the mornings i used to get up and express on the electric pump rather than having a damp bed. Then I used to store the milk in the fridge for a last feed with dad at night so he would settle better. For some reason sometimes me in the room would set him off, so i would go and have a bath or tidy up whilst dh settled him. As dh was away a lot he used to like this time too.

Not thinking about it from your ex's visit perspective, more that you can get a little time to yourself in Italy and perhaps eat your dinner, have an evening to yourself on your holiday? If you are supplementing formula though you will be bound to make less milk if less feeds are required?

Hope you have a lovely time, you sound like you deserve it.

The fil partner needs to keep her opinions to herself, i agree.

Original poster

MariaMaria1984 · 27/06/2011 23:56

I do currently express once night (when he has his formula), which seems to help a bit, but still not great, still really low. been advised to drink fennel tea, which seems also to help a bit

I should have said, the FIL's partner suggested that they (ex is living with them) have the baby for the 4 hours, then drive him 15minutes to me, so I feed him, then take him back to their house for another 2/3 hours. Do you think that is a fair compromise? or is that unfair to kart the baby around like that? I am trying so hard to be fair!!

OP posts:

HansieMom · 28/06/2011 00:02

Shuttling the baby around is a stupid idea. And who says it only takes 15 minutes to nurse? Maybe they need reminding your husband/partner is the one that left.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 28/06/2011 00:06

Utterly ridiculous for you to deal with. Does she have children of her own? Why is she interferring? I'd be tempted to stay in bloody Italy!

Tell your ex to grow a pair and sort it out himself, instead of whining to his parents like a teen.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 28/06/2011 00:11

Oh and inform them that stress is a contributing factor in low milk supply, so they need to get off your case and let you get on with nuturing the baby your ex walked out on.

I am fuming for you op.

Original poster

MariaMaria1984 · 28/06/2011 00:12

Funny you should pick up on that binful...she has no children, so clearly has no clue! She is lovely, don't get me wrong, but I can see her and FIL are being manipulative to get what they want.

I had my problems, I am not saying I was an angel, but like I say, H chose to leave without even trying to sort things (or letting me fix anything!)...

OP posts:

omaoma · 28/06/2011 00:17

4 hours, 3x a week is well long enough for a contact visit with a 5 month old. Hansie is right - you're not a bf machine they can plug a baby into, a feed includes settling, burping, settling after, cuddling - it's not just about the nutrition.

If your DH wanted to live with his son, he had that option but decided not to take it. So he's living with a situation he opted for. You could remind them of this next time they have suggestions of how to increase contact.

I guess it's understandable that your FIL is supporting his son emotionally and stating his case but it's important for you and them to realise that you have important rights and in fact MORE rights in this situation, as the injured party and a vulnerable new mother, even without the BF issue. Can you suggest your FIL and his partner talks to an intermediary instead of to you directly, that you're not able to enter into further discussions with them about this. Perhaps somebody else could be there for when your son is picked up and brought back as well. They seem to be expecting a friendly situation where they can discuss arrangements whenever they want, and not accepting you are troubled and upset, even though the breakup you've described is 'fraught'. No wonder you need to get some space, they are not letting you have any at all. You are not really in the right state of mind to deal with a drip-drip of emotional blackmail (which is what they are giving you, your rights and wellbeing are definitely not top of their list here) and subtle pressure to give over your rights to his son.

Would it be useful to get some legal advice and put the contact situation down formally?

MumblingRagDoll · 28/06/2011 00:18

Don't even discss things with her anymore! Not to do with the baby anyway. That's between you and your ex. I see you have to discuss the house with her...is that changeable? WHy is she doing the leg work?

In future, if she starts "discussing" the baby and arrangements etc...change the subject...or say "Oh I have it in control thanks. Ex and I will work it all out" and if she presses, simply repeat the phrase.

it worked with my pushy MIL!

Original poster

MariaMaria1984 · 28/06/2011 00:30

I dont know what I would do with your MNers! Thanks all so much for the support, I thought I was overreacting, good to know I am not the only one angry by this!

I think we do need to get the contact situation formally agreed omaoma. We do have an informal agreement, but should prob get something in writing to avoid situations like this. And yes, I think i need to get an intermediary to be there for the handover, because i cannot see him anymore, im still just so hurt (obviously I am doing the 'im completely fine and moving on with my life without you', independent woman routine, but am dying inside).

Mumblingragdoll, agree completely, I stupidly trust her and open up to her quite a lot, but clearly she is just using that against me to get what they want. Will have to stop discussing these things with her. She works in property, hence she will be getting the house rented. She asked me to send her a letter giving authority for my ex to sign anything (tenancy-wise) on my behalf. I gave a resounding 'no' to that one!!!

OP posts:

Flip