What to do now?

[gymbunnynot]

Lots of history, none of it good which lead to a spectacular break in my relationship with my Mum, 18 months ago.

She accused me of child abuse, which was so insane I put the phone down and haven't spoken to her since.

The accusation flipped a switch in me, she is the one who is guilty of abuse. My childhood was rubbish and she stood by knowing her boyfriend was abusing me.

So why, now I know she has had a small stroke this weekend, do I feel so awful. Its not like I am going to rush to her bedside full of care, the thought makes me feel ill, but I am wondering round in a total funk and cross because I feel so odd.

DH and I discussed it all last night and he can't understand. When I tell him just a few of the things that happened he simply can't understand why I have had anything to do with her.

We are also both concerned about our children's perception of the situation, it is still Granny, regardless of how she has behaved to me.

Do your children know that she is ill? Do you want to tell them?

Maybe sort out your own feelings about the situation before dealing with your children's knowledge and perception of it.

Of course you are torn: she is your mother, and a part of you still wants a mother. And however badly she behaved towards you, she probably had some nurturing moments too that you can still remember.

Only you will know which action will be the one with more integrity for you: reaching out to her in her illness, or maintaining your chosen position of no contact. Which one makes you feel strong, and which one makes you feel queasy?

They know and we spoke to them about it and they seem fine.

I can't get in contact, to do so makes me feel physically sick. But that then makes me feel awful that I can have such a strong reaction and guilty.

Nuturing wasn't high on the agenda unless she was pissed and in 'I will be a caring mother' mode.

I am so angry, I thought I was fine about all this but it seems not.

Sorry, I just wanted to say, I know it is wrong to feel angry about someone who is lying in hospital!

Well, it sounds like you know what's right to do for you (no contact).

What is actually making you feel bad is the ensuing guilt (you apologise for being angry at her in your last post, for example). The guilt is the hold she still has on you. Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to about that?

If you have no RL person or therapist to work on your guilt with, there's a good website called Out of the FOG (with FOG standing for Fear, Obligation and Guilt). That fog is something that partners and children of abusers/addicts/people with personality disorders all have to deal with.

I don't think it's so much guilt you're feeling (been in your shoes, done that, worked it out in my head), so much as you're feeling a sense of loss (akin to mourning) for not your mother, but for yourself and the relationship that never was and what it could have been like if she'd been a proper mum.

It's OK to be angry, it's OK to be upset. Accept your feelings for what they are. Know that how she behaved was of her own doing.

You are an amazing person to survive this and to know how to be a proper mum despite (or because of!) your experiences.