close friendship with another woman

[noreallyitsnothing]

hi ladies,

i would really appreciate your feedback on this.

dh went out to the pub for a drink with some mates. he didn't come back until 6am ish. call it woman's intuition but i snooped on his email (not proud of this). and found this:

an email to a woman we both know, saying how wonderful it was to spend the night until dawn drinking, smoking weed just the two of them and 'sharing' (whatever that means) like old times. then reminding her how "beautiful, sexy, smart, funny and blond" she is (ostensibly to buck up her confidence with other men - i am brunette of course!), and asking her to please be touch if she ever gets lonely or just wants to hear a friendly voice etc. he even titled the email with lyrics from a song that starts "let us be lovers".

i know it sounds mad but i haven't confronted him about it, because this isn't the first time that he has crossed the line with women friends. we have two kids.

basically i know that we could get through this, it's not relationship-shattering in itself. but then what - it happens again and again and i become that bitter old lady with a charming husband - you know the kind, he's a charmer and people can't understand why he's with the bitter jealous wife. when actually his behaviour created the monster!

if confronted he would of course tell me i'm bonkers, paranoid and unappreciative, plus imagining things. this i believe is called gaslighting? there's quite a lot of it in our relationship.

i have a dear relative whose husband cheated several times when she was still young; now that she is nearing 70 (and still beautiful, not that that's got any bearing on it), she has just found out that he has just had a two-year affair! some people don't change. i think my dh may be one of them.

i'm always giving him the benefit of the doubt (see how i assume them staying up til dawn doesn't entail anything physical), but maybe i should stop.

many may be offended by how little i am mentioning the kids here, so i will from the off declare that i am not a strong believer in staying together always being best for the children, having been brought up by two unhappy parents trapped in a religious marriage i can say it's not always for the best. i know others will disagree.

any thoughts most welcome.

confused...

Agree with the others. Totally unacceptable.

Is this the first time you've had suspicions? How is your relationship in general? You sound sad, and not just about this inappropriate relationship.

Is there anyone in RL who you can talk to?

Also, gaslighting is not good at all, v draining for you.

Good god that email is fucking outrageous. I am the least jealous person on the planet but if dh recieved that I would be absolutely livid.

I agree that you have answered your own question. You sound quite numb - which I can relate to, in that if my H were to have another affair I would not go to bits this time but would be off like a shot, never to speak to him again. Although horrible this is hardly a massive surprise to you, is it? If I were you I would not waste any more time on him.

Thanks guys.

Dozer what is RL?

I do feel numb, yes. I know I should feel angry and passionate but I feel indifferent. I was really upset a few years ago when I was six months pregnant and I found him wrapped in another girl's arms lying on a sofa at a wedding. We worked through it bla bla and I counted myself lucky that I nipped it in the bud as nothing serious had happened and this too was a 'friend' of mine - the two of them had been harmlessly flirting for a while but I never thought of it as a threat.

Anyway, it was knackering but I thought it was a blessing really because it enabled us to establish boundaries about same sex friendships--or at least I thought it had.

Now with this latest email episode I realise that I think we are just really really different. I know he wants us to have a long and happy family life with grandchildren, but I keep trying to picture his mum sitting at breakfast with him and his brother when she was my age, and her hubby, my father in law, rolling in from a night of drinking with another lady.... It doesn't ring true and it's not just that we are in another era where it's more normal to have friends of the opposite sex.

But we have fun as parents. Basically I like him as a friend and co-parent but when I think of him as a partner I feel a little mad, sad and bitter.

I think whatever happens in the future, and I'm not ready to have a dramatic breakup right now, I am going to work towards a secure independent future for me and my kids that will most likely not include dh as a lover. That will keep me sane.

Oh love. It's alright for people to say 'dump him' but it's not that easy when you have kids and just don't have the energy to start afresh and go through all the drama. See what happens and watch what happens perhaps?

I don't understand

Your opening post gives you all the permission you need to end this farce of a marriage

I don't even have to say "but what about this...but what about that?"

You are not even trying to delude yourself he is anything less than a weak, philandering, needy, embarassing idiot

By this point, he is not just making a fool of himself, I am afraid

what is that very useful saying ?

shaft me once, you are the fool....shaft me twice, I am the fool (I paraphrase, but you get the gist)

Why do you stay ?

Sounds like she thinks she "had him first " so doesn't care about his being married :(

Because then I'll be free of him but my kids will have to cope with him by themselves (when they're staying with him).

Just to play devil's advocate. You don't know what they spoke about. It's possible she was feeling really miserable, and he's tried to cheer her up. Sometimes old friends can be closer than you might expect while still being platonic.

Hey noreally, I totally empathise with you. A few months ago my dh was regularly staying out til 5am with a 'friend' of ours, his best friends g/f actually! He swears there was nothing in it, that they both just enjoy getting drunk together but at the end of the day, even though both me and his best friend asked them to stop doing it because it was making us feel uncomfortable and people were starting to talk they didn't respect either of us enough to stop.

One night we ended up catching him sneaking in at 3.30am on a sunday night after having been out with her behind our backs, well the next day he left to stay at his mum's and think about what he wants, which is increasingly looking like it's not me and the dcs! I felt exactly the same about her, she is about 5 years younger than me, blonde and pretty, probably a stone lighter but more importantly free and unencumbered!

Even though there is nothing going on with her, I still feel like he totally humiliated me and treated me with zero respect. Sorry for hijack, I just wanted you to know that being alone is not too bad, actually it's better than being with someone who isn't being considerate of your feelings. You will be ok, I promise.

Noitsreallynothing

RL = real life

Hello guys
Posting after ages because the "other woman" just sent an invitation to me to be a contact on linkedin!
Needless to say that won't be happening any time soon.
Haven't had a "talk" with dh yet but he is being exceptionally nice and thoughtful, eg started an email today with 'honey' which is a first.
Am coming to the conclusion that he stores up frustrations about me and our relationship until he's fit to burst. Then he does something that really hurts me. Then he relaxes and can be nice and loving to me again....... Until the next time.
I'm not sure I can spend my life trying to help him avoid hurting me.
Something happens when 40 is round the corner, suddenly you literally don't have time for anyone or anything that is wasting your time.