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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

what do me and ds do?

28 replies

Baba · 22/11/2005 09:03

My marriage is in trouble and I need to work out what me and my ds would do if my dh and I split up. We have a joint mortgage, my ds is 3 and I work full-time in the same place as dh. Nightmare situation but if I am ever going to change my life for the better I need to know if we are going to survive alone?

OP posts:
lou33 · 22/11/2005 09:05

No advice, but i just wanted to say good luck. I separated from my h just over a week ago, i know it was the right thing to do

onemoreday · 23/11/2005 13:42

Yep you will survive alone.

I have just left my husband and taken my dd (3) with me. Not an easy decision but we are in a calmer atmosphere now.

You need a good solicitor who can talk to you about your future finances. Ask friends if they can recommend one. My solicitor has been brilliant in assuring me that I will not be left destitute. The court will always put the childs needs first, so my dd and I need to be in appropriate accomadation etc.

As for working with dh, that may need to change for your own sanity. What are your managers like? could you be moved to another area of the company? if not you may need to weigh up the benefits of staying in your current role or going.

You will survive. As I said it is hard and lonely and frightening at times. I struggled long and hard with my decision and I'm still struggling now. Bottom line is though I know I can survive without my husband.

Baba · 23/11/2005 14:00

onemoreday thank you sooo much for your words of advice. I felt better just reading them. Its not that my dh is a horrible man - if he was, it would make it easier but I think I deserve to be happier than I am for the rest of my life and so does ds, although he idolises his daddy and I don't know whether i have the strength to do it to him. DH doesn't know anything is wrong - his first long term partner left him for another man, his wife before me was being unfaithful and he doesn't trust me at all - at first it was endearing but now, after 5 years, he has pushed me into the arms of another man who I lust after and feel like I love but know its just a substitute for an unhappy marriage. My dh works with me (we both work full-time for a small fitness company) and also works 5 nights out of 7 as a football referee so I spend a lot of time, just me and my ds who is my world.

I am not making excuses but that's just a bit of background. Immaterial info - I drink too much alcohol at night instead of doing something more constructive (I have a piano and used to write/play a lot but seem to have got out of the habit) and tend to drink more with being unfaithful because of the guilt.

Also am on prozac because of bulimia (so shouldn't really be drinking anyway).

Sorry, long posting. Don't know whether I have the confidence to leave though. Its so remarkable to know that someone else has done it though..... and survived. Feels like I have had a kick up the bum!

OP posts:
onemoreday · 23/11/2005 14:02

Don't mean to kick you up the bum ! It is hard. But if you are truly not happy it does help to know that it is possible to leave and survive.

Baba · 23/11/2005 14:03

onemore day I totally agree and its not you that has given me a kick up the bum, its me!!!!

I know that we would be happier alone but I know I am going to destroy DH world..... although I am doing that already....

OP posts:
CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 23/11/2005 14:04

Why have you decided to leave instead of perhaps giving it another go? You say your dh pushed you into the arms of another man? Sorry to ask the obvious, but how exactly? Is there absolutely no way you could consider trying again? If your dh doesn't know how unhappy you are, then he can't change anything can he? Perhaps you should give him a chance?

throckenholt · 23/11/2005 14:06

I guess maybe two approaches - relate if you want to try and sort out the problems in your relationship with DH, and CAB to get an idea of your options and what you should do if you do split up.

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 23/11/2005 14:07

I think it only fair to give him a bit of warning rather than spring it onto him suddenly!

Bumblelion · 23/11/2005 14:12

Baba, I was in your situation in the past. Got too friendly another man (work colleague), got found out, was forgiven by husband, had another baby (our 3rd) and then he decides he could not forgive me afte all, when youngest was 11 weeks old. I remember writing on here over 4 years ago asking if I should stay or go (we were still married, giving it a go but I knew we were not really happy). In the end, it was not my decision to make, my H made it for me by telling me it was over. I was destraught, single mother with 3 young children, H didn't move out for 9 months (slept in loft room), very very difficult time. The worst time of my life ever actually. Although we were not happy and I was thinking of leaving (don't know where I would have gone to, mind you), I think if we could have stayed together I would have. Now 4 years down the line (nearly), we are VERY good friends, he has a girlfriend (who he left me for eventually) and I have a new man. I still live in the family home, not seen a solicitor so still "legally" married, not even separated. It is bloody hard, upsetting, awful but if I am being realistic I know we could not have been happy together and we both are happy now.

I can remember being 8 months pregnant and walking out of the house at 2 am in the morning, getting in my car, driving to Brighton (about 1 hours drive away), crying, thinking "if I killed myself tonight, who would even be bothered". I used to "run away" and then when I realised that my H was not coming after me, I would have to swallow my pride and then drive home!

It is hard, my life is different but not necessarily worse. Just different.

Baba · 23/11/2005 14:12

I am trying to - we are going away from the weekend on Friday to Glasgow so hopefully things may be better - we have had a hell of a few years, my Dad died of cancer, dh's dad hung himself in the garage (he was an alcoholic) and dh found him so obviously this was very traumatic and disturbing for him and he has never got over it. We also got married last year as well and bought a new house and have never had a weekend alone without ds for 3 and a half years so I know we deserve a break. I just don't think I can give up this other man - its gone too far emotionally.....

We have only slept together once but are planning to meet up tomorrow - this has been going on since August but we see each other every day (he also works with us) - I don't know how he feels about me - he lives with his long term partner. We are very close, always were when I met him as we both come from a small town in the North-East of England (we both live in Nottingham now) and that is our binding link. Apart from that, its so obvious that we are both attracted to each other that I am surprised it didn't happen sooner.

However, I am still so astonished that I am actually cheating on my dh. I idolised him so much when I met him, moved from Sunderland after 3 months of meeting him, into his new flat and then got pregnant with ds 8 months later..... things just went pearshaped in my head after my darling dad died. Not that its an excuse.

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 23/11/2005 14:13

I agree with Custy because if my memory serves me correctly you were looking for tips with regard TTC recently, so I think the poor man will be very shocked.

Baba · 23/11/2005 14:17

that's why we are going away, its a BBC 3 programme called Making a Baby.

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 23/11/2005 14:17

Oh Lord, am I confused you are on another thread asking for orgasm advice, and her looking for leaving advice.

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 23/11/2005 14:19

And which one are you making the baby with?

Sorry Baba, but I think you need therapy.

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 23/11/2005 14:19

Sherlock - I'm not Custy!!!

LadySherlockofLGJ · 23/11/2005 14:20

Rhubarb, you are quite right you are not Custy,sorry

Mercy · 23/11/2005 14:35

I am completely confused

Baba has also started a thread re the Bible Code (whatever that is) and the end of the world is nigh . What's going on?

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 23/11/2005 14:37

3 Billy Goats Gruff...........
Need I say more?

Baba · 23/11/2005 14:40

I am allowed to discuss more than one subject at once aren't I????

I'm not a man - I can do more than one thing at one time!

OP posts:
throckenholt · 23/11/2005 14:41

Baba - sounds like you have been through a lot in the last few years and have really got mixed up about what is important. Maybe you could get some counselling and sort out what your priorities are. You really sound like you need to help to deal with your dad dying, bulimia etc. Maybe the affair is just a way to hide from your real life for a while ?

Also - how on earth do you manage to work the same place as dh and lover without giving yourself away, especially in a small place?

Baba · 23/11/2005 14:45

throckenholt, its a nightmare and I can't believe its still even happening. I work late some evenings doing a showcase for our exhibitions here so its quite easy but I can't do the pretend happy face any more to dh when I am deceiving him.

OP posts:
Baba · 23/11/2005 14:48

anyway, like I said on my other thread I won't be using MN again. Thanks for your support.

OP posts:
CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 23/11/2005 15:01

Sorry Baba, just been reading through your other posts trying to figure out if you are a troll - that is a person who deliberately winds others up. I'm still not sure on that. But in the threads that I have read, you were having an affair with this man who is also in a relationship, but the affair finished. You said on another that you loved your dh. You are trying for another baby. Now you say that you are wanting to leave your dh to pursue this affair (stop me if any of this is wrong btw), but are unhappy because neither your dh nor your lover can give you an orgasm.

If you want some real advice, I would advise that you put your son first and stop thinking about yourself. You ARE making excuses for your behaviour. You owe it to your dh and ds to give your marriage another go - you've only been married a year ffs! How long have you been having an affair? And why on earth do you want to bring another baby into this mess? You are emotionally immature and I really do hope that you go for that therapy.

Tortington · 23/11/2005 15:04

dont listen to cliff richard ffs. how can cliff richard give advice ?

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 23/11/2005 15:06

Put a sock in it Custy! I'm trying to be 'elpful 'ere!