I have to get this off my chest. I hope someone has the time to listen.
Namechanged as some RL people know my usual posting name and I feel terrible and ashamed to have these feelings about my father's relationship- I can't talk to my friends or family as I feel to do so would be betraying Dad.
Will try to be brief!
Dad is on his third marriage. First was mum, divorced when I was 4, did pretty good job of co-parenting despite divorce. Second was a very unpleasant woman. I realise I sound like the typical bitter step daughter but she was emotionally manipulative and very unkind to me as a child. They divorced 4.5 years ago, Dad was devastated. He was so unhappy that he was suicidal and I supported him through his grief as best I could.
Dad met third wife during the aftermath of split from wife 2. He met her on holiday. She is a much younger than him (20 years) and is from a different country with a very different culture. I don't want to say which country as trying to avoid being undeniably identifiable!! She came to live here soon after meeting him, and they married six months after she came over here.
To an outsider I know the situation looked a bit 'mail order bride', and some friends and family have been disapproving. However, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt as she is very nice and certainly less vicious than wife 2. Meeting her made Dad happy, she seemed to love him and I was glad to see him getting over his heartbreak. I think Dad is the type who doesn't care what others think of him and I think this is a good way to be.
We live close and I work with Dad so I see them regularly but until recently have not spend extended periods of time with them. Last month we all went to Wales together (me, DC1&2 (4&6), Dad, wife) DP was working abroad so did not join us.
Her behaviour and their relationship on holiday was bizarre IMO. There, I've said it!!
I don't like to be a judgeypants and I don't really understand why it has affected me so much. I would like to just let them get on with it (whatever it is) but its constantly on my mind. The main thing that upset me was that she didn't want to 'do' anything- she would have preferred to stay in the cottage than go anywhere- a walk, pub, meal out, beach. She did come out with us but I know she would have preferred not to. I talked to her to find out what she would like to do but got nowhere. Also she took every opportunity to be in bed- got up late, naps in day and to bed very early always before 8.30pm.
I know some people like to kick back and relax on holiday but at home she is a gym bunny, very active and not a 'lazy' person. One day she got up at 10am, had a couple of hours nap from 4ish then went to bed at 8ish. I asked Dad if everything was OK and he said she needs a lot of sleep and that this was usual for her.
After a few nights I asked if maybe I had upset her as she seemed not to want to be with us. Dad insisted that this was not the case.
Sorry this is so long. I feel better for typing it. I have an increasingly uncomfortable feeling that she is just tolerating my lovely father and he is blind to it. I feel truly terrible to think this way. She does look after him well and he would do anything to make her happy. I can't talk to him about it, he would be angry and upset and he won't see where I am coming from.
I am kind of hoping someone will read this and tell me to grow up, butt out and that this is within the realms of normal.
Thanks for reading this mammoth post. I would love some mumsnet wisdom- delivered gently if possible!!