No, he didn't have an affair, but his crisis is causing almost as much upheaval in our lives. I am a new member, so please forgive me for this v long post, but I really would appreciate advice on dealing with this and the circumstances are very complicated. Also, I do not live in the UK, though I did until about a year ago.
Briefly, I am an expat spouse of Indian origin married to someone whose job has taken us to 6 countries in 14 years, meaning a move roughly every two-three years. This way of life has meant we are financially secure, but I have had to give up a fair bit, friends, family and having any proper career of my own. I have worked on a consultancy basis most of these years, but work has been sporadic. My husband has more or less always hated his job, which is v stressful, long hours, horrible people etc etc. The goal was to do another 3 years in the job, which would entitle him to a lifelong pension, and then maybe find a less stressful job in training or consultancy.
Last year, we had the great good fortune of getting a 3 year posting in our home country of India, and better still, in my home city of Delhi. This is very rare indeed in our way of life. This was very important to me because I have an aging and recently widowed mother who needs care, and who I am very close to. Also, we were both ecstatic because we could settle our childen, who were absolutely fed up of moving into the Indian education system, do another 3 years for the pension, then setlle down for good in India.
We arrived in Delhi, found a house and school, had a joyous reunion with my mother. Ten days after he joined work, my husband had a panic attack in the office, and said he thought he was having a heart attack. Got it checked out; nothing wrong. He then told me that he was going to take a one year unpaid sabbatical from his job, and try and set up his own training business. Under his contract, he is allowed to take a one year sabbatical, but his job in Delhi goes to someone else, and he is then assigned to another job in one of over a 100 countries. Plus he gets even further away from his pension because the sabbatical period is not counted as employment. I asked him if he could continue for another 3 years so we got the pension and had a little continuity on our lives, but he insisted that he could not continue in the corporate life any more.
So its a year later now. He tried to set up his training business and found that it made so little money he couldnt even meet our grocery bills. We have been living off our savings for the past year, which we can afford to do, but gives me panic attacks! In the past year, he was absolutely horrible to me, yellling that I had no idea of the stress of corporate life, putting me down any way he could, accusing me of being a money grabber. He also went on a very very expensive training course to an American university which he claimed would help his business, despite my protests. it didn't of course, and just put us out of pocket. All this is very very unlike his usual self; he is normally a lovely considerate man who has never made me feel like I am sponging.
So I went out and did the best thing I could do: got a job. It's not a very highly paying one, but after 14 years out of proper employment, I am quite proud of getting one at all. I have also done the bulk of child care while working.
A month ago, he came to me, apologised, said he was wrong, was dying to go back to a proper job and informed his employer that he was willing to go back to work. They are now going to post him in one of any of 100 countries, could be anywhere from Kazakhstan to Latin America. I am not going. I think, and he agrees, that my children have been disrupted enough, plus I am not willing to give up my job. The plan is for him to go, then try to find a job in India once he has filled the hole in our bank account and in his CV. This may take a few months, or it may take years, who knows. We have given up all hope of the pension as I don''t think he can spend 3 years away from the family with this employer.
I find that I am extremely angry because he has completely turned our lives upside down, plus lost us a huge amount of money. The children will miss him terribly if he goes, but I will go crazy if I go with him yet again. I am also very bewildered by his behaviour, swinging from one extreme to another. I feel able to forgive maybe, but not forget. In the meantime, I am so tired and stressed waiting to find out where they will post him.
Sorry this is so long, but as you can see these are very complicated circs. I'd just appreciate advice from other people whose husbands have gone off the rails.