I am now now officially estranged from my mother, and actually I feel like a huge weight has been lifted

[BumptiousandBustly]

I have posted a fair few threads on here about my parents, especially my mother and the relationship we have had.

I have had some very good advice on here and have often started threads, had some very good advice and then kind of faded away from them as the subject was so painful.

I wanted to say thank you very much for all the support.

I have recently been through some revelations about her and out relationship. I realized - or admitted to myself, for the first time that I had an emotionally abusive childhood, and that my mother was a big part of that emotional abuse herself (as well as colluding in my emotional abuse by my step father)

We had a huge row recently, where I said so many things that had been stewing for a very long time.

The pattern from previous rows is that I would try and make it all ok, but this time I didn't. So she phoned me three weeks later - ready to explain to me how she hadn't done anything wrong and I said that I thought we should "take a break from each other!" - I tried to be pleasant about it - and I said that I thought I needed time to work through some things on my own - which led her to criticize me further.

However, I just calmly explained that for the sake of "our future relationship" I thought we shouldn't talk about it now.

It was horrible to have the conversation, especially her phoning up to "justify herself" but I have done it - and I just feel lighter and more free!

So thankyou everyone who has read the threads and commented over the years!

what a great thread!

makes me feel positive for someone I know in a similar relationship with their mum who is a long way back down the line than you.

Brilliant!

Thankyou Migratingcoconuts. I have to say, I am think she is currently convinced that "I admit the issues are mine and that I am taking a break to sort myself out - so that I can admit its all me and we can move on!"

However, I did not say anything like that, am not responsible for what she thinks, and frankly can't believe the egotism of thinking like that when your child has told you she doesn't currently want a relationship with you!

The human capacity to hear things the way you want to hear them never fails to surprise me!

you are right, sometimes you just have to accept that you cannot be responsible for how others view things and just get on doing the best you can for yourself.

Your strength is amazing as battling your own mum against this sort of selfish and damaging behaviour must be particularly difficult.

I know how you are feeling so well done. A similar thing happened to me last August and I still haven't had a conversation with my mother. When I was driving home (after another horrendous torrent of abuse from her and physical assault on me by her husband, in front of my DCs ), I didn't feel sad or angry, I just felt completely relieved. And free. Don't expect yours to ever accept responsibility for her actions or take the blame for anything. This is something she sees as your job and it is something you have been conditioned to do (and believe) all your life, probably. As you say, there is nothing you can do to change other people, so just concentrate on looking after yourself and your interests. And good luck!

castlesintheair - as you say, I have been conditioned all my life to blame myself for everything and look at how "I could change and do better!" - I know that I can't change her viewpoint AT ALL - she doesn't even seem to consider where it might be coming from, or if I have any grounds for anything - in fact she told me recently that "she has come to terms with my child hood!" Well GREAT - doesn't necessarily mean that I have. and that I "HAVE to forgive my parents, as that is the grown up thing to do, and she had thought I was there, but apparently not!"

But actually cutting contact with her feels really good and liberating which is lovely. I think its a decision you agonize about so much, and wonder if you will regret - so its lovely to have finally made the decision and feel good about it.

The really hard thing for me was finding the strength to believe my version of events rather than hers, and as I did that gradually I was able to see that actually things were much worse than I had ever said/admitted and that I had an emotionally abusive childhood (I had never even used the word abuse about my childhood until a couple of weeks ago - and then it just really hit me that that was what was going on for all those years!)

Anyway I am rambling about it all, but while I am still thinking about it all, I absolutely feel that I did the right thing. Which is lovely!

Hello, I'm another escapee from a hellish 'mother'. Cut contact 7 years ago and it saved what was left of my sanity. Two questions:

1. How are you doing? Hope you're still feeling positive.
2. This might sound whiny/self-pitying, but do you ever feel a bit left out when pals talk about their Mums and what a great help they've been with their babies/kids? I do!

Well done. xxx

Well done.

But what do you think the chances are of her ringing up in a few weeks like nothing has happened? This is what my mum does and I'm never strong enough to stand up to her.....anything for a quiet life.

Well said castles in the air.

My mother cut herself off from me and her DGC in 1988. I deeply regret the fact that she has not had the chance to see them grow up, but she made the decision and she made that decision, and these are her words, because I have ruined her life and shown not a shred of remorse.

Really?

After years of abuse, being blamed for the breakdown of my parents' marriage and a lot more besides, it has, since that point, been a relief not to have to spend the greater part of my emotional life trying to please the unpleasable.

XP's parents have been the best grandparents my girls could have wanted.

D