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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need to vent and need to cry and need it to be all ok

8 replies

MamaMaiasaura · 20/11/2005 22:26

I want to apologise firstly cos I am just feeling so confused and dont know what to do. All I do right now is apologise as I am always doing something/being in the wrong. A part of me wishes that I wasnt with my bf and had a place for me and my ds but then i feel like i am being selfish. My family love my bf and my ds thinks he is great. Why do i feel like he doesnt love me or want me?

Dont get me wrong he doesnt shout or hit me. He is quiet spoken, brings home flowers and is kind to my son. As a couple he says we are weakest. He is on the sofa again through his choice. Says it is because of his snoring as he has a bad cold (man flu). We have been together for 2 years and I feel like he is pushing me away. My ds goes to see his dad everyother weekend, this was ds weekend with us. Had a nice day out yesterday and I treated us to a pub lunch. Today ds went out with a friend and her daughter, dp stayed home and played on PC. He had also said he would cook roast. Came home, dp really grumpy but denying it iykwim. Says comments like we shouldnt discuss it at the table if I ask if he is ok. I couldnt hold back tears as racking my brains for what I have done wrong again (this is becoming a regular thing), ds hugs me to see if i am ok, i re-assure and explian that it is like if his friend was feeling grumpy with ds, ds might feel sad (all the while feeling like a crap mum). After ds in bed dp apologises and doesnt explain any further. Then when try to address what is going on he says he is tired and not well. I explain this is happening alot and that at these times I wonder if he wants us around to which he says he cant sensibly discuss right now.

This keeps happening, I feel so uncertain of us, we are rarely close now. I care a lot about my dp and dont want to split but i dont want ds to think this is ok either. Although ds loves dp and would be really upset if we left.
Am in tears now and dont know what to do with myself.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 20/11/2005 22:30

have you ever read 'men are from mars, women are from venus'

ok a lot of it is trite but really there are some very valid points
you cannot expect a bloke to deal with you in the same way as a woman would

I'm sorry you're so sad .. but I do think if you keep pushing him, a man who sounds like a good man, you will push him away

do you love him? you say you care about him but do you actually love him or can you not remember?

lalaa · 20/11/2005 22:36

bless you.
you sound all over the place and i am sorry that you are feeling so low.
you also sound as though you are really lacking in self-confidence and self-esteem: why is it that when he's grumpy and has said that he's ill, do you automatically think that it's something that you've done? he might just be feeling rubbish....he might be tired, someone might have just cut him up in the car, who knows??!
you need to be kind to yourself and believe in yourself. if you can be more of yourself, he might be less grumpy. or he could just be genuinely ill....
hope you feel better soon.

marthamoo · 20/11/2005 22:37

Would he agree to counselling? Relate or similar? If you could both talk over your concerns in a neutral environment it might help. A lot of men do find it hard when you put them on the spot and try and get them to say what's wrong. I'm sorry - you sound so unhappy.

Flum · 20/11/2005 22:39

Yeah sounds like your boyf has just crawled into his cave. leave him to it for a few days and busy your self about other things. If his mood doesn't improve by say next weekend when ds at his dads. Just say you want to have it out with him and do it Sat am.

MamaMaiasaura · 20/11/2005 22:40

Yes I love him, I want to be with him and want to cuddle up at night with him.

I havent read the book maybe i should. Sorry I must sound so shite. I cant stop crying now and nope i am not depressed, eating and sleeping fine and find things funny still etc. It is just suddenly the mood in the house changes as soon as he is in one of his moods. He blanks us or will spend extra attention on ds but it is false iykwim.

He admits that someting is wrong but not sure what. I feel bad typing about it on here but cant speak to family because it is late and also hoping it will 'blow' over. This has been going on for a while now tho. He will be fine if things are his way etc but as soon as he feels he is a little out of control he comes over like this.

I was dealing with ds last week as he was overtired and being 5 iykwim. He was at the point of it going either way and I was hoping of rthe calm approach and ds was calming, dp chipped in to say i think he needs time out (ds didnt need time out imho) as he was whiney and tired but not out of control and time out is last resort. Anyhow, i said to dp , hang on a sec I am already here dealing with situation so dp stropped because i didnt 'listen'. Sorry - sounds like a stupid example and guess you had to be here. It is the atmosphere. Physically we arent close right now and when we have been it hasnt been comforting but a bit agressive and scarey (although i had drunk wine for first time in ages and dont remember alot). He does look at man stuff online as well (think i am a prude now). Oh bugger i think i am just destined to screw up.

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 20/11/2005 22:42

Sorry took ages to type and re-type and never saw all comment yes am lacking in confidence in relationships. Not good track record.

He might well be in his cave, just feel helpless and want to make it all ok, feel like I am always saying sorry and trying to 'sort' it all out. Part of me thinks i should step back and see what he does, but then what if he steps further back. Argghh. I thought life got easier not harder in this area as you got older.

OP posts:
nightowl · 20/11/2005 23:47

awen, is there more to this than you have posted? because, (please dont take this the wrong way). im not sure what you think is wrong exactly? is it just that he is poorly (you know men, they dont get colds they get flu.) is this something that has been going on for a long time or could you possibly be a bit under the weather yourself? to me it just sounds like normal relationship type things but there's obviously something on your mind?

doormat · 21/11/2005 06:41

awen agree with other posters that your confidence and self-esteem has been lowered
start going up girl
first of all I agree he is crawling back into his cave
dont you let him let you go there too
start ignoring his moods and carry on being positive (even when you feel like shit)but dont let him see you feeling that way
go and get a new hairdo, new outfit or something else nice for yourself
you will feel like a million dollars

IMO negativity breeds negativity
so if one of you are positive, he can either go positive or you could both clash

when ds has gone to bed, thrash it out with him and ask him what his problem is

and dont apologise to him as you have nothing to be sorry for, his caveman attitude should be the one that is sorry for making you upset
hxxx
b

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