If your partner told you

[jayzmummy]

that he wished he could have sex with another woman what would you do???

My BF is having a really horrid tmime and I know her partner is sleeping with someone else. Ive asked him to come clean because watching my BF fall to piececs is just heartbreaking.

I think she knows but is in denial....ignore it and it might go away. He has got very sloppy at covering his tracks and she has rumbled him a couple of times by back tracking his steps. He has lied to her and she has worked out the truth and confronted him but he always has an answer to shoot her down.

Shes just been on the phone crying to me because she asked him if he fancied the person she suspects him of cheating with and he told her that he wouldnt mind having sex with her "chance would be a fine thing"!!!

Hes a copper and the other girl is his work partner...my DH caught em at it one night parked up in the cop car

As I have said I have asked him to come clean but he wont becase he doesnt want to leave her "sitting pretty" in their house whilst he lives in a grotty bedsit somewhere!!!!!Its sooo upsetting to see both of them so unhappy....the other girl is lovely BTW and I really like her and BF's partner seems so much happier when he is with her....makes me feel like shit to say that because she is my BF after all!!! Her partner is Dh's cousin and godfather to our children and Dh thinks we should both tell them to sort it out and leave us out of it....easier said than done because they both come to me for a shoulder to lean on.

Would you tell her??? Shoot the messenger????

Opinions please.

oh you know i was only thinking about this a couple of nights ago. my best friend is with a complete arse of a man and i suspect he is seeing someone else. if i caught him and had seen it with my own eyes i still wouldnt tell her as she would only believe me until he crawled his way back round her, then she would no doubt fall out with me and say that i never liked him and was causing trouble. i would tell him, that he should confess to her before i did. an empty threat, but thats what i would say to him.

i had this once with a friend who turned around years after the event and said to me "why the hell didnt you tell me what he was like?".

i answered "honestly, would you have listened?"

"aha" she said "no i wouldnt have, i see your point".

this is what it hink i would do:

talk to the man. tell him that if he hasn;'t told her by a certain time then you will.

if it comes to it and he hasn't told her then do it

Honest story this (I was alot younger and hadnt learnt the are of tact )I said to my friend ."What would you do if you found out your good friends partner was cheating on her ?" Well she went off on one saying they deserved to know the truth and how wrong it was not to say anything . So i Said Hmmm well seeing as you feel that way ,you know that bloke youve been seeing well he is a cheating toe rag .

agree with starlover
I would confront the man and give him a time limit to tell her or you will

It is very undignifying being the last to know you are being cheated on in my experience

When I found out my ex knob was cheating I was peeved with him but more my friends and aquaintances who knew what was going on behind my back.

If she suspects anyway, I would tell her

Is there anyway you could "assist" her to catch them at it?
That way she'll still have you as a friend to fall to pieces with.....

Totally agree with the time limit thing for him to come clean, or you tell her....

Ive given him the ultimatum before....you tell her or I will and he pleads with me not to because he adores his children and doesnt want to loose them. I know that she would pack up and move back to her family who live 200 miles away.

Its really dificult because he is my Dh's cousin and I adore him....he is one of my closest friends and is always there for me. My BF, his partner, is just as special to me but my loyalty lies with him more than it does her.

I understand the reasons why he has strayed but cant condone it...he is afterall supposed to be a "family man". He is a wonderful father to his children, where as my BF really struggles with the children....Im sure she had PND after baby number two was born...she hit the vino quite badly for the first year of the LO's life...her excuse "its the only way I can relax". I went with her to see the GP because she was going round in circles....couldnt cope all day with a toddler and a baby, so she drank at night...then was waking up feeling grotty and bad tempered because she was hungover....bad day with the children so she drank again.

Her Ds1 was always with me, so she could rest and look after the baby...who was a nightmare, collic, exzema, didnt sleep or feed well....
Her partner would come home from work...house a tip, no food in the house and a pile of nappy sacks sat by the back door because she couldnt be arsed to take them outside to put them in the bin. She was a mess....he bought her a Gym membership so she could go and have a sauna, swim and gym session twice a week...she never used it...couldnt be arsed.

Eventually he began to talk about his problems with his work partner and thats how his affair started...no excuse but I can understand why he did it.

Now things are so bad between them and I am sat watching them being so miserable....she phones me most days in tears asking me what I think is going on....Ive suggested counselling...she wants him to do a lie detector test because he has lied to her...she is very much a "trisha" girl and I think she has a huge chip on her shoulder that she had a horrid childhood with parents who were alcoholics and gamblers...his family are very wealthy and "well to do" and I know she wasnt their ideal choice of partner for him....but he chose her and chose to have children with her....now its all falling apart.

I havent got a bloody clue what to do...my DH says I either tell her and then face the wrath of the rest of the family if it all falls apart or I stay stum and do nothing....just be the shoulder to both of them and support the best I can.

If I was in her situation I would want to know and would hate to think that so many others knew what was happening....but I dont want to loose her friendship or his and I certainly do not want Dh's family breathing down my neck....thats just far to scarey!

jayzmummy, I think that you are in an incredibly difficult place, but given the circumstances, I think all you can do (and it's very nice of you) is to be the shoulder to cry on. That way they will both be able to look back, and see that you were there for them. Have to say that if she really was depressed then "couldn't be arsed" isn't the most sympathetic language, and a gym membership probably although well intentioned, not the right answer. However that's not all that relevent really! I didn't have any friends involved when dh was having his affair, which was a good thing, as I would have found it incredibly difficult to think that other people were in the know (although all my friends were convinved, from what I told them).

jayzmummy - you need to have another word with dh's cousin to point out what an impossible situation he is putting you in, and the 'ring of suffering' is extending beyond him and his missus.

He needs to be adult and make a decision, I have some sympathy with him in that his wife might not be a model life partner (from what you say), but he still needs to stop torturing her.

He should either come clean and leave her, or ditch the affair. There really is only black and white in this scenario.

His logic has a big flaw in it, doesn't it? he doesn't want you to tell because he doesn't want to lose the children...but he's not prepared to stop his affair on the same basis.

I think I would tell him that either he stops the affair, or tells her, or you will tell her. And have no truck with his silly flawed argument, which is only him trying to shift the blame to you! Your DH should back you up, and give him the same message. If she finds out that you knew, anyway, she will hate you forever, so you won't gain anything by not telling.

jayzmummy, I am not sure I can answer your question but I do have experiences to share. Along time ago a dear friend of mine did not tell me that my then dp was screwing around and I know I was harder of friend than on him when it all came out. I could not get my head around the fact that she had known and not told me. friend and I cooled our relationship for a long time after that. Which I regret. Frankly I had a good idea what he was up to and asked him often enough but he always denied it. Friend and I became close again some years after and, thankfully, remain really close Sadly, the other woman, who was at the time my friends Best Friend stopped contact with friend too Dear friend was put in an impossible situation.

Later, I discovered sil was having an affair. It was confirmed by all and sundry inc my own mother and my brothers friends. No one would tell my brother. I told brother and no one has ever forgiven me. B & SIL are now married and seem to have a very strong relationship - which is great - but NO ONE thanked me for my disclosure and it has soured my relationship with my brother some what.

I assumed that because I'd want to be told anyone else would want to be told too but that isn't always the way.

Winnie - how utterly unfair

JM - I had a similar situation where I had told this guy to tell my friend he was cheating on her or I would. He said he would but kept putting it off. Eventually I sat her down and asked her if she would want to know if he was cheating. She said yes, but did not believe he was. I called him while she listened on the extension and told him I was going to tell her about his affair. He got all nasty and said he would deny it and say I was a liar.
It was a horrible few weeks but afterwards she did thank me for doing it as she couldn't bear the fact he was taking her for a fool.
I know every situation is different but this can't go on as it is, it is unfair on all of you. Good luck

Just to clear something up...."couldnt be arsed" is what my BF said when I asked her to join me at the gym....she cant be bothered to go out anywhere just because it means she will have to get ready...something she always loved to do before all this happened. Now she sits around most days in her Pj's and doesnt even wash...Im sure she is suffering from some form of depression. Could it be possible that she has PND??? She was really miserable when DS2 arrived and still seems to be stuck in the spiral of downess. Can PND last for such a long time?? Her Ds2 is nearly 3.

She said she feels really down when he is around but feels happier when she is home alone and doesnt have to speak to anyone

Ive been at her house this afternoon and Im sure she knows that hes up to something because she is going over various nights out he has had where he hasnt returned home until 4-5am. She is sitting piecing things all together and then asking me my opinion....I nearly said something but chickened out for fear of causing more trouble for her.

Ive tried to talk her into going to see the GP again and have arranged to have her LO's for the afternoon tomorrow so she can sit and talk to her partner about how she is feeling.

It was horrid of him to tell her that he wouldnt mind sleeping with someone else...Im going to phone him tonight whilst he's on duty and tell him that tomorrow he better tell her what he's up to as its destroying her and upsetting far too many other people.

Thanks for your opinions....they help me to try and do the right thing for all of us.

the poor woman - pnd and then being treated like that - of course she is hard to live with if she is depressed, but comments like his about sleeping with someone else are hardly going to help. he i smaking her worse and then blaming her...

just to add my experience - my "ex-knob" (lol doormat) had an affair while i was abroad doing a course; it went on for 3 months then he told me. i rang a friend and asked if she had known - turned out not only had she known, but all his friends and he had even taken the other woman to meet his parents!!!

i would much rather i had known; i felt like right idiot and so humiliated. did help me to be unequivocal about dumping him though.

"is making" sorry

I dont know your friends history but this year I was diagnosed with PND in about March
I had been feeling low since Dec & it just got worse & worse
H was very unsupportive - the day I came back from DR he said "you are now wallowing in self pity now DR has said you are depressed"
I was also suspicious that he was having an affair and kept being phobbed off or being told he was sick of me snooping

I found out 10 weeks ago that he WAS having and affair and 2 weeks ago I kicked him out

he definiately made me feel worse by his actions etc and now that hes gone, I feel I have a chance to kick this depression into touch

noone knew about H as he works far away but all I would say is that if Id found out sooner, maybe my depression would have got better quicker

difficult for you

jayzmummy,

Very best of luck when you phone him tonight. Be brave!

JM, is there a chance that if BF gets professional help, becomes more sorted, that the situation would change ? I am not condoning his behaviour, but if she is feeling vulnerable and isolated now, perhaps it's only likely to get much worse if there's a big bust up ? If there's a PND DX, or ADs, or counselling, or she finds support groups etc. if she becomes more able to leave the house, look after the kids, do activities with them etc. and she starts to feel more secure, balanced in herself... then perhaps she will find the motivation to confront all this from a position of strength, or dp will see the light ?

JM - how did the call go?

JM, I agree with the idea of an ultimatum here.

I would suggest to DH's cousin that, if he really doesn't want to lose his marriage, when he tells his partner, he makes it very clear that he is prepared to help her with her depression - she is clearly depressed and his behaviour has obviously contributed to making this worse.

If he really wants to save his marriage, he will have to make his partner believe that he is truly contrite and committed to helping her to recover from her depression.

If he dumps this confession on her without preparing himself beforehand to be careful not to say even more hurtful things to her when she expresses her anger, she is hardly likely to suddenly feel less depressed, as hub2dee has also highlighted.