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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Some please help me, i dont know what to do anymore

46 replies

AngelNanny · 21/06/2011 17:38

I was engaged to my partner and our first son is due in 9weeks time.

After a couple of weeks of strange goings on from him i found out he was having an affair with a woman he met on-line at the beginning of May. Since the whole thing erupted he has moved in with her and her two children (5yrs and 8weeks) and has no contact with me at all and very little with his parents.

He as said to his parents that he wants to be in the baby's life but he has not contacted me and his parents are now unwilling to play 'mediator' about the child.

I am very upset about being abandoned and i have had to get the police involved over threatening phone calls and abusive messages from his new bit of stuff and from him. This thankfully has now stopped due to the police intervention.

I feel I am on my own with this pregnancy and my child when he is born and i don't know what to do. I don't no what my ex wants and i have no way of finding out.

Some one please help me to know what to do.

OP posts:

VioletV · 22/06/2011 19:05

Hmm from what I've found out myself as I am in the same situation althought not entirely.

If he wants to be a prick he can take you to court and have his name on the BC. You can try and pretend the baby isn't his and if hes a nobber like my ex he will go the whole hog via court. I can't say much on here as I cannot guarantee my cunt of an ex isn't one here using everything he can find as evidence to use against me (I think the silly boy thinks he;s going to get PR and 50% access) Yeah over my dead body lol If you wanna chat email me OP. My baby is due in 3 weeks time.

AmberLeaf · 22/06/2011 19:14

but are you going to CSA for child maintenance? if so they will force him to give DNA to prove paternity if he will not pay & disputes it.

If he disputes paternity they will invite him to have a DNA test to prove either way, if DNA proves it is his [which im sure it will!] he then has to pay off the cost of the test, if DNA shows the child not to be his he doesnt have to pay the costs.

If he refuses/doesnt turn up for the DNA test the CSA will apply 'assumed parentage' and he will pay towards the child even in the absence of DNA proof of parentage.

BelleDameSansMerci · 22/06/2011 19:25

AngelNanny - I can't add anything to the excellent advice that you have received here. The only thing I can possibly add is that it can be rather wonderful being the only parent and it is certainly better than having some useless violent arse in the life of you and your child.

The one thing I really would stress, though, is the idea of having your mum or another close friend stay with you for a couple of weeks (if possible) after the baby is born. Just having someone else around can make a huge difference. Stay in touch with your friends too and don't be too proud to ask for help (I struggled with this) if you need it - most people will help you if they can.

Also, if you do find yourself giving birth with just you and the midwife, I can tell you from personal experience that it can be very, very special and feels so intensely private - sort of just you and your lovely new baby. I hope this isn't the case for you but it doesn't have to be something to dread. Not sure how better to put that.

Good luck. x

AnyFucker · 22/06/2011 20:44

VioletV I am glad you got away from that piece of shit x

midwife99 · 23/06/2011 16:27

Yes speaking as a midwife, I have looked after women without a partner ' it's been very special. I have also looked after women who have allowed an ex to be present for the birth & it was very difficult for the women to cope with it & the men in question just stood in the corner. Be strong - you will be wonderful & all that will matter will be your beautiful baby.

Original poster

AngelNanny · 24/06/2011 17:21

Hi everyone,

I don't think the ex will ever deny the child is his as everyone knows there is no doubt, including him and his parents.
However if i don't put his name on the birth certificate - what will the father section say?

Also do i have to have his name on the birth certificate in order to claim child maintenance from him? (although its not worth it as he doesn't work, i'm thinking maybe i want to out of principle)

Thanks again

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 24/06/2011 18:22

You dont have to have his name on the birth certificate to claim maintenance.

BelleDameSansMerci · 24/06/2011 18:26

I would definitely recommend that you do not put his name on the certificate. It will make your life much more complicated if you do. It will make no difference to claiming child benefit.

EricNorthmansMistress · 24/06/2011 18:35

He will have to come with you if you want him to go on the birth cert - otherwise it will say father unknown. CSA will assume you are telling the truth and pursue him for maintenance regardless - he will only have a DNA test if he disputes paternity and as you know he's the father that's no biggie.

I'm so sorry that the father of your baby is such a waste of fucking space. Be sure that you will cope, you will be a wonderful mum and your child will grow up perfectly happy and healthy as long as you are there!

dittany · 24/06/2011 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

AngelNanny · 24/06/2011 22:06

Thank you, I will definitely not put his name on the birth certificate and I hope his parents will respect me and not tell him anything - having said that he has now moved out of his parents and doesn't speak to them (which is sad for them :( ...)

I just want what is best for my son :(

OP posts:

dittany · 24/06/2011 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

AngelNanny · 30/06/2011 13:23

Hi everyone, sorry to come back again.

I am still getting threats from the ex and his ow about taking me to court over my baby - please can you tell me everything i would need if this does happen.

I'm really worried about it :(

Thank you

OP posts:

EricNorthmansMistress · 30/06/2011 13:31

The baby is not yet born. He cannot take you to court for access rights to a foetus. He cannot attend any appointments or the birth without your consent and nobody can make you give consent.

After the baby is born you register the birth without him. If he wants to go to court for contact he might well do - but he will have to prove paternity first (AFAIK, could be wrong, but I assume)

The courts may grant him access. This will be at a level that meets the baby's needs. He will not be able to take the baby away from you for example, especially if you breastfeed. He will not be able to have the baby overnight etc. He will have to prove that he is a good father and looking out for the baby's interests before he is granted more contact.

At the end of the day it's in your baby's interests to have a relationship with his/her father if possible. However if he is abusive to you, or uses contact to make threats or play games with you, the courts will take a dim view.

lookbutdonttouch · 30/06/2011 14:13

I echo what has been said above.

Please please keep a diary and write down every evil and nasty thing he says or does. If you can, try and keep.communication to email so there is a record. You can use all that if, and it still is an if, it comes to court.

Find a solicitor that does a free half hour and legal aid if you need it.

You are the mummy and the best thing for your baby and no one can take that away from you. Remember that.

oldwomaninashoe · 30/06/2011 14:48

Can I say if you do go to Court, it is nothing to be frightened about. Even if you do not have representation the Judges that sit in the Family Courts have seen it all and are generally only intimidating to people who mouth off at them and cannot control their manners or temper in Court!

Take no heed of his threats and just keep calm for the moment and try and ignore him.
If it makes you feel happier pop along to the CAB for some advice.

Lean on your friends and family to help you through your difficulties.

I would be inclined to not answer your 'phone, (let those who know you and love you know so that they leave you messages) but there really is no necesscity to speak to him just to be ranted at and threatened. If he comes to the house shouting the odds call the police!

Original poster

AngelNanny · 30/06/2011 16:57

Thanks for all the advice, i have taken it all on board and will follow it.

It's just the ex lives an hour away from me but i'm worried if he gets access he will be allowed to have my baby there without me and that is a real concern for me. Number 1 genuine concern is i really don't think my baby would be safe.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 01/07/2011 01:08

Hi angel - please contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 who can give you all the advice and support - they are wonderful and really know their stuff.

You have had a lucky escape from this horrifying man. Please don't put him on the birth certificate and also please don't chase him for maintenance - he is better totally out of your life.

Also, how does he (and his new BOS) make these threats? I suggest you don't take calls from him, don't open emails, letters etc. Change your number/s, email address etc.

I would also strongly recommend the Freedom Programme, which is absolutely wonderful (google it to find a group near you). xxx

midwife99 · 01/07/2011 06:42

Report them to the police for harassment ASAP

memorylapse · 01/07/2011 22:06

what a piece of work he is walks out on his pregnant partner to play daddy to another newborn.. then bombards you with abuse

He has done you a favour sweetheart, you will be so much better for not having him in your life..I brought my eldest son up without his real dad in the picture and he has turned into a lovely young man...

He needs to be present anyway to be included on the birth certificate and it sounds unlikely that he will do that..keep logging all his threats..it will go heavily against him if he suddenly decides to play at being daddy..

memorylapse · 01/07/2011 23:06

Just read your other posts, please go to womens aid for advice and log every single threat against you..apart from anything else, they are not going to take a new born away from his mum for access visits especially if you breastfeed. Change your phone numbers etc

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