DH won't stop drinking - don't know what to do

[OrinocoFlo]

He comes home from work via the pub (quite late), he drinks lager all night when he does come home, he starts early afternoon at the weekend, and he's completely irrational and generally very verbally abusive when he's drunk a lot.
He wants to stop, he admits he has a problem - we have had nights where he has cried like a baby and begged me for help. He tells me he loves me more than anything in the world, but just this evening he has insulted and abused me yet again. But in the cold light of day he doesn't do anything about getting help, and I don't know what to do anymore.
I haven't told any of my friends as I have no-one really close enough and anyway no-one else can help. I refuse to tell my parents as they're quite old and would worry so much. My FIL knows and is supportive but I try not to worry him as MIL has heart problems.
I've told him I can't go on like this but we have a 3 yr old and I have nowhere to go with her and no money.
I don't know what the solution is at the minute but I just wanted some support I suppose - I feel so sad and alone.

I am sorry you are going through this. This is his problem and not your fault or your responsibility to solve.

Contact Women's Aid and al-anon. You have options to leave, more than you realise. I am sorry I can't add more but found both organisationss very useful when I was in a similar position.

thank you snowmama. You're right that it's not my fault or my responsibility to solve, and I know that - so does he. I've told him I will support him in getting help. Also, i don't want to leave but it's getting to the point where sometimes I think I'll have to as I will have to get away. That makes me so sad as I love him very much and I know he loves me. Everything is so good in the day times and up to the point he starts drinking. Our little girl loves him so much too and I don't want to take her away from him but I also know she needs to be protected from his behaviour.
Thank you for your suggestions of organisations.

I know what you mean about the good times, but you have to think of the bigger picture, as you say, your daughter has to be priority. Of course she loves her dad, as my DS loves his dad, that didn't stop him asking me 'why daddy shouts and doesn't listen to mummy', when he was 3 1/2. They see and experience everything.

I don't say this to be harsh, but your energy needs to be focused on you and your DD.

Am also sending you an non-mumsnet hug, it is not a nice situation to be in.

Your husband has an illness it is called alcoholism. It cannot be cured by just stopping, and to just stop is dangerous and life threatening, he needs help, but he has to want to stop.

If he does not want to stop there is nothing you can do.

Snowmama thank you so much. I know most people would read this and think I should just leave but as I've told him, he would still need to get help or the rest of his life is going to be so f**d up. And if he is going to get the help he needs I want to help him do it rather than leave him on his own
Fabbychic you are right too. He does want to stop but he's scared of confronting his issues. We have found a pyschotherapist and he's made the appointment himself but has broken it twice - both times with a work excuse but I know he's just putting it off.
Thanks for hug and reassurances - I know it's not my fault but it doesn't stop me wondering sometimes if I'm over-reacting or going mad!

He needs a GP referral those who have drunk and are dependant upon it as much as your other half need medication to be able to survive medically when giving up alcohol. The body can shut down and it can be fatal.

I know from experience with my childrens father how bad it is to just stop drinking, he has been in and out of hospital since he went cold turkey. He is now diabetic and has liver damage too so can never drink again.

Orinocoflo, I am not sure what you mean by helping him.

If it is to stay and expose yourself and your DD to drunken abuse whilst thing to persuade him to attend appointments etc....then you may be fighting a losing battle, and exposing your daughter to harm. Please ring the organisations I mentioned. Good luck.

OrinocoFlo - I was in your situation a few years ago so I really do sympathise. Its so horrible to watch someone you love drink so much that it changes them into a monster.

The most important person here is your DD. However much she loves her daddy, it is damaging her to see him like this every night. I speak from experience here, my Dad was an alcoholic and believe me I was affected by his drinking every day of my childhood, no matter how hard my Mum tried to 'shield' us from it.
The positive in your situation is that your DH says he wants to stop, but you can't help him do this, he has to do it for himself and by himself.

I found Al Anon a great help and I can't recommend them strongly enough. They don't judge, they don't tell you what you should do, but they listen and give you strategies to cope with the alcoholics behaviour until you reach a point where you are strong enough to decide what you want to do.
The Alanon phrase I remember most clearly is the three C's regarding alcoholism: You didn't cause it, you cannot control it and you can't cure it.
Good luck.

Hi orinoco,

re your comment:-
"And if he is going to get the help he needs I want to help him do it rather than leave him on his own"

But you cannot do this;that is enabling and protecting him from the consequences of his actions. He has to want to seek help for his own self and at present he does not. Actions speak louder than words, he's already cancelled two appts. He may never seek help either, there are not guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism. If the rest of his life goes to poo because of his drinking then that is his choice, you did not cause that to happen. It is his choice, he made a conscious choice to start drinking.

Like it or not, his primary relationship at present is with drink. You, your DD and everything else comes a dim and distant second even if you are on his list of priorities.

In the meantime you enable him by being there and exposing your DD and you further to his alcoholism. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy; it does you no favours at all to keep this a secret from family and friends.

You certainly do not want your DD growing up thinking all this alcoholic dysfunction at home is normal. You cannot fully protect your DD from the realities of his alcoholism and she will notice far more (and your reaction) as she gets older. You can only help you and your DD at the end of the day.

Your post is mainly (as is common in these types of situation) about him, not you. Alcoholism is a family disease, you need help and support as much as he does. Am very sorry to say this as well but you as his wife are actually the last person who can help him.

Do talk to Al-anon; they are very helpful re family members of problem drinkers.