Fuming as DH has frittered away our holiday fund!

[fifitot]

Things are pretty tight financially but we got a £500 windfall which DH put in his savings to pay outstanding balance on our holiday. Payment now due and find he has spent it all. A large chunk went on an urgent car repair which I knew about but the rest he has spent on some train fares to see family in London and other bits and pieces, some of which were necessary, some not. God knows how he thought he could pay it back in time. He admits he put his head in the sand which is his usual MO as it happens. Even if he'd warned me about it...................

I am so fucking angry but am not 'allowed' to shout and scream because he feels got at and guilty and gets even angrier than me and rather than just 'take it', he retaliates by shouting back. You can imagine the atmosphere at home - all this on the back of a row over sod all at the weekend.

When we got the windfall I asked if we should put it in my account (we don't have a joint one as you might imagine) but he was annoyed I had asked as the money came to him. Well it seems I was justified to be concerned.

What is the best way to approach this now? I have told him to find the money as it will have to be paid and think he is going to ask his parents. The bigger issue is the fact he can't be trusted with money, he deceived me and acted like an idiot.

I have told him I am angry, he knows it as I can hardly speak to him but he is genius as turning it round so I feel bad.

What is the mature response now? Do I just carry on and leave him with the problem. I want to scream at him but know it's pointless.

How do I get him to take responsibility in the future? I would love some advice. He is currently sulking despite him being in the wrong. If he would only turn round and say 'look am sorry, made a mistake and this is how I will stop it happening in the future' I might feel better but no chance of such a mature response.

Fifi, would he be amenable to the idea of his salary being paid into a 'joint' account to which you hold the only card, and then an allowance paid over to him for his personal spending?

If things are so tight, and yet he's got enough money for himself, it sounds like he values his own spending over the family good. You've already agreed as a couple that you manage the money, not him - so it sounds like you need to tighten that up?

I just can't believe he spent £100 on a football game when money is this tight. (never mind the rest of it). I agree that he needs to give you all his money and have an allowance - perhaps you could say - you will each get an allowance - but that given his track record you will control the main account?

Thanks everyone. I am leaving it up to him now to sort out and not discussing the holiday for now - we will see what happens.

TSC - I think we might share the same husband!

Eurostar - the Dyslexia thing for him manifests itself in lots of different ways - being disorganised about almost everything is one of them so may impact on money management.

Everyone else - thanks for your ideas. I don't want to police his income but looks like that is the only way forward. I think him giving me his money and me paying him back his 'allowance' sounds disempowering to him but in some ways it might work. He will never manage money responsibly I think so maybe extreme measures are needed.

We have managed our money separately for years as I did earn more than him. We have enough to get buy, even with a few unforseen expenses. Our income will improve dramatically once our youngest is in preschool and out of privated day nursery so it's not all bad, though that is 2 years off. We are not destitute by any means, just things are tight at the moment.

Thanks everyone. I have calmed down and can see a way forward now.

Fifi, just want to say that I am in a similar position with DP and totally understand your frustration. You don't want to 'mummy' him, you feel he should be able to take responsibility for money and budgeting, and he reacts badly when you call him on it.

My DP is similar - he earns a reasonable amount, but is always overdrawn by the end of the month. A couple of times he's had to ring me from petrol stations to ask if I can give my card details over the phone to pay for his petrol so he can get home. It drives me nuts because there ought to be enough money there, but he just spends it until it's gone.

I have decided that the only way to make it work - although I don't really want to do this - is to take over the budgeting and finances completely. I think it will be less painful in the long run.

If your DH is up for it, I suggest you follow the suggestion (from TSC?) of working out a budget together and basically you will have to control it.

My DP knows he is crap with money, so he's happy for me to take over. This pisses me off because he won't behave like an adult about it, but at least he acknowledges that there's a problem.

Good luck

Well, I can see where OP is coming from. He said he would pay it back over a few months, he took other money without mentioning it. He then omitted to tell the OP that they didn't have the money for the balance of the holiday. He has lied directly and by omission. That's not on. I'd be pissed off too.

If he had problems paying it back as promised, he should have been upfront about it much sooner. Now they are in a position where they may have to cancel the holiday, no doubt much to the disappointment of everyone, not least the children.

Fifitot, I can see how you might think that paying him back an allowance might be disempowering, but it really needn't be. Both our wages go into a joint account. Direct debits on that account meet all the major bills, and a monthly standing order pays BOTH of us our personal allowance into our sole accounts. It's not a case of me paying him or him paying me, we both pay us. We both have a debit card on the joint account, but in practice he rarely uses his as I prefer to do the grocery shopping myself, I usually take DS for new clothes etc. Anything that is absolutely personal - our own clothing, haircuts, nights out - comes from our sole accounts.

Working this way can change how you FEEL about money. As your setup stands, your DH regards money in his account as his and his only. This blurred the line for him, making it easier to dip in to it when, had it not been there, he would have been forced to use a credit card/not go to the match. If his salary were paid into a joint account, it could help establish the boundaries, as it were.

It may be that his debit card for the joint account should not be in his wallet, but perhaps kept in a drawer and only to be used for joint expenditure, e.g. when he shops for groceries/takes DC for clothes. It may be best that you hold both cards. But it could still help him separate out 'my spendable money' from 'our already-accounted-for income'.

Thanks. Whereyouleftit - I like the idea you suggest. I may suggest that, especially the keeping of cards in drawers!

Feeling a bit better about it all now. It is not the end of the world but I need to keep on top of it.

Thanks everyone.

Poking him in the eye might also make you feel better.

To be fair to the OP, this isn't just a matter of him spending the money on essentials. He earns a salary from which he ought to have saved the money but it appears he has spunked his own money away. Whether it's beer with his mates, football, Sky HD or whatever, he can't explain away the fact that he has burned his own money as well.

One other point I have to say which is blindingly obvious is that it is a really bad idea to pay for stuff on credit cards if you're not repaying in full that month. You may as well piss your money down a drain. If between the two of you, you are unable to control your finances to the extent that you are using credit (and paying stupid rates of interest on that) you need to have a sit down and reconsider what you are both spending your money on. If he is incapable of controlling his spending and won't do this, perhaps you do need to rethink your relationship.

wrong thread I'm guessing scharm