Today went to freeedom programme and we were discussing the reasons why an abusive man would behave like he does...
There were lots of reasons brought up about bad childhoods, stress, society at large, the media pressure on people... But I still don't quite buy it.
I mean take for example benefit fraud. I am currenlty on benefits, but if I was to get a job and not declare it then I would effectively have 2 incomes... Which would mean that I could pay for nights out, new clothes, holidays in the sun, better car etc etc etc. No doubt that would improve my life and I would enjoy that. BUT I personally don't chose to do that, I know it's wrong and instead I have to get by on what I have and accept that I can't afford a holiday to the carribean or to buy my new clothes from Karen Millen etc etc etc. But I don't commit benefit fraud because I don't think it's right and I would never consider it...
I see this as being like abusive behaviour.
If I am abusive and manipulative and controlling towards my partner then it will make my life easier, I don't have to pull my weight in the home, I can have what I want for dinner every night, I can watch all my favourite programmes on tv, I have a partner who is falling over themselves to make me happy (actually to avoid a row), I have kids but my partner looks after them full time, I don't have to get my hands dirty so to speak. I also have a partner who listens to me when I want to talk and I am free to ignore her if I don't want to listen to her boring chat and moaning. If I want sex, I can have it on my terms without worrying about anybody elses enjoyment. If I'm in a bad mood, I have a family I can let it out on... And if it looks like the situation might be slipping out of control, a threat or a slap or a punch soon puts that to rights.
Why would I want to stop being abusive? Then I would have to compromise, I would have to visit my in laws every fortnight and spend alternate christmas's with them. I would have to do my share of night feeds with the baby. I would have to share chores and housework. I would have to sit thru eastenders even though I hate it, because afterwards we can watch top gear together. I would have to eat chinese takeaway every second weekend although I prefer curry. I would have to listen to endless renditions of biff and chip and the magic sodding key. I would have to listen to my partner telling me about her day and support her when she is finding things tough. I would have to take my turn of taking ds to football practise even though it's January and it's dark and freezing rain. I would have to support my partner in her career and agree to come home early one night a week so she can go to college and entertain the kids so she can complete her assignments etc etc etc...
Need I actually go on?
So my question is, how big a factor is this in the behaviour of these abusive men? Or is it all about having a crappy childhood and a drink problem?
This is similar to the Teddy bear concept (can;t remember who wrote it) where the man doesn't want an equal partner, he wants a teddy bear. Will find the link in a min.
God this has got me all riled up today. Sitting in a room of 12 other women who have all experienced a variation on this behaviour it makes me so sad to think that so many men (and in some cases women) think that they have the right to behave? 