Lost my cool, am seething with rage

[ozirish]

Stb ExH disappointed 4 yr old DD with yet another excuse as to why he could not fulfil the agreed time per week to be spent with her.

I had made plans to do (mundane stuff) but stuff and he just fluffed about for 30 mins and said he had to go. I just want to swear black and blue at him but won't engage anymore. Poor dd wondering why her dad won't play with her and why her mum so f'n angry.

How do you cope with the separation and access to kids once the marriage is well and truly over. Family and friends really don't want to hear the nitty gritty but how to I cope with the rage inside of me?

I seriously just want him out of our lives but kids seem to adore him.

How do I not damage the kids any further?

Should we get mumsnet to set up a single parent forum for advice?

dont know about dealing with the rage... But there is a 'lone parents' forum already btw. look in 'all topics'...

That'll be this forum www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents

Its important to find a way through this as he's going to be around for many more years. And its great that they adore him by the way.

PS good luck!!! And the one other comment I would have is not to aim at getting him out of your lives but at finding a contact agreement that works. Think him being out of your lives entirely would be in the end very damaging for your kids.

hah follyfoot xposting but so much more techsavvy than me!!

Thanks for your replies I'm going there right now. Probably full of enraged recently separated people! Looking forward to venting and providing support

Try thinking of him as a favourite but highly irritating toy. Your children love it, so it serves a purpose, and you keep it around, but by GOD don't you wish that you could lose the batteries occasionally :)

That sounds flippant, it's not meant to be. I haven't experienced the pain and fury you must feel and I admire you for clearly intending to nurture their relationship as much as you can. But you won't be able to change or influence him, so the best thing you can do is keep the highest standards you can, and rise above anything he throws at you. To do this, you need a mental strategy that reduces him to something you can laugh at , and pity, in private. Like a noisy irritating dumper truck which you know that you keep around ONLY because the kids love it.

Remember - you are the winner here. He doesn't have the emotional intelligence to see what he's throwing away every time he lets them down. So your pity should be real. Every time he pulls a stunt like this, he loses a little love and respect. Awful - but he won't see it until it's too late. You, on the other hand, not only know what's important but know that you're putting them first every time you smile through your irritation, or let him mess you around so that they can see a little more of him. Other than that - outside interests, mentally listing all the crap things about him that you now don't have to put up with, imagining the amazing lives you can now lead without his dead weight dragging you down.

Good luck!

Thanks Ham, just re reading your post has helped tremendously. He is a complete loser and I just called him that to his face, yes, I know not right but he really let me and the kids extremely down. He is just the worst case scenario.

Far out I question my own intelligence as to why I married him in the first place. Am full of self pity which I hate but I'm just going through the feelings.

Argh I hate him.

Just looking at your user name - are you Aussie in Ireland, or Irish in Australia? Guessing the latter! Have you any of your own family around or just your DC (and him, sort of)?

So sorry that he is being such a PITA - so unfair to the children. :(

ozirish - you are the better person out of the two of you and thank goodness your dc have a responsible, consistent, solid parent like you.

He is a pathetic excuse of a father (and a man) then, isn't he, if he continually lets your dc down. Remember that.