The dreaded MIL .......

[MaryP0p1]

MIl has behaved very badly towards me this year and I am furious and everytime her name is metioned and quietly seeth. The very thought of her makes me angry and I have to admit when her name comes up and generally pick a fight with DH about something completely different because I'm so angry. Yesterday we were talking about Christmas and about 1/2hr later I picked a fight which I ended up throwing and breaking a plate (which did make me feel better, however could get expensive).

We are spending Boxing day with her at my SIL and she always makes a song and dance about going out anywhere. So more discussions about her. The thought of spending the day with her, eating a meal with her, makng nice polite conversation makes my head explode and I can attually visualise hitting her. I know not reasonable or good for anybody. Any suggestions on how to handle this.....

I hate my SIL, sorry not particularly Christian, but there you go. My DH is not fond of his own sister, we were discussing this morning whether he would like a 50th birthday party, and he agreed to think about it, then said I have thought about it and the answer is no, I would have to invite my sister.

She is known as my vile SIL.

My only coping strategy is to try not to engage in conversation with her, and drink lots of wine. Sorry not much help I know.

Mmmmmm Wine, now there's an idea I could get so drunk I tell her exactly how I feel and offend the rest of family (who I like) all at the same time. For me perhaps not a good idea. My other option would be to behave like my BIL and pretnd to sleep!!!!!!

Come down with a hideous vomiting bug on Boxing day morning, but manage to stay upright to bravely wave your dh and children on their way.

Hmmmmmm, how do I fake vomit?

I second Brans idea, save some leftover from xmas, mash them with some custard and throw then on a laminated floor(for easy cleaning)

Take a large container into the bathroom with you (or hide it there beforehand) and lock the door behind you, fill with water then make retching noises and pour the water into the loo. Stay locked in for at least 5 mins and rub your face with a towel so you look flushed. You'd only need to do that once, so long as you complain of nausea from the moment you wake up. Hinting that you would probably throw up in the car if you had to travel should seal it for your dh. Then when they get back you will be lying on the sofa with your duvet, watching dvds and feeling much better.

Mash and custard is a fab idea. Then you can be a martyr and clean it up yourself for extra brownie points.

wine is the right idea .. but the wrong person

you need to get her tipsy / drunk .. you will find her much easier to deal with (works with my parents anyway)

I've tried that, she'd becomes more like HER, not want I want. I might try the sick

Don't smash any more plates (they may not make that pattern any more!).

Like the sick idea but feel you need to talk to your DH about his mother and not skirt around the issue any more. I wonder what your DH's relationship is like with his Mum - is it good or not?. His primary loyalty should be to you regardless of his Mum.

If this is making you unhappy do not spend Boxing Day with them at all but do your own thing instead.

Book for DH, the kids, and yourself to go to the panto on boxing day, then when they mention coming over just say, no can do,bought tickets, etc.

i would be honest with dh and get him to tell his family you are ill. they probably already have an inkling you dont get on so it will probably make it a more relaxed visit for them and you can spend the day in the bath with a box of xmas choccies.

Have you ever told her, specifically, exactly what it is she does that is so awful? Does she know what it is? Maybe you could try having a really straight, calm but assertive conversation with dh/her spelling it all out and come up with some sort of agreement where you both promise not to bring up whatever it is...

DH knows what a cow she is. We live abroad and we are actually visiting for Christmas because the children keep asking after her (Grrrrrr). DH tried on his last visit for work to talk to her and she knew it was coming so made a big deal about how hard her life is and how much she misses the children, she cried alot. DH didn't get the chance to say what he wanted to say because she made him feel so bad (grrrrr). Its the way she manipulates people and has to control every situation while playing the sweet old person (she's only 62). And the way she excludes people that aren't family, me my BIL that drives me crazy. The next time we see her will be at Christmas. I haven't spoken to her since July, dilberating not being around when DH call her because she never rings us.

I have tried to talk to her but she always cries and then I'm the big bad wolf for making his mother cry and she looked after him so well when he was a child and she has noone but us and she so misses the children etc etc etc.

Talking to her is not an option

1. she won't listen
2. she'll cry and DH will try to console her and I'll be the big bad one.
3. she'll then sulk and probably write us a letter either addressed to my children or to my DH telling them what an awaful person I am.
4. then she'' play the marter.

Thats what happened last time.

Ah. So talking to her isn't an option then. This is what used to be called passive aggressive.
What would happen if your dh went into a situation with her absolutely determined to avoid reacting to tears, emotional blackmail etc.? If he could manage it at all, that is.

Can you visualise her as a toddler who is misbehaving? Might take the sting out of her behaviour slightly if you can see her as ridculous.

Can you not visualise her as naked wearing a nappy when she p*sses you off? Probably not a pretty sight but bound to take the edge off of whatever is getting up your nose!

My MIL is somewhat trying, although I think less so than your MIL.

The thing is, it's hard/impossible to change other people's behaviour, particularly older people. You can change your reaction to her. Is it really worth getting bothered about?

I've found this sort of attitude, together with trying to understand why someone is acting so irrationally, can help make it all easier to tolerate. (e.g. your MIL sounds quite insecure and unhappy. Doesn't justify her behaviour, but it can explain it. And feeling sorry for someone is less frustrating than being angry at them, IYSWIM.)

God she sounds alot like my mil. I avoid speaking to her when she rings as well. We did the duty trip this August and I made sue dh hired a car so we could get out everyday so we didn't clash. However she is getting on and not in great shape and I now am moving from disliking her alot to pitying her. Over the years she has driven all the dil's away (the ones close to her never visit) and her sons are as selfish as her dh used to be. She wanted to keep her sons close by excluding us but didn't realise it was the dil's insisting on the duty visits. If I didn't tell my dh to sort out flights to see her we would never go She really is quite a sad figure.

I think my MIL is going the same way. She came to stay for a week in the summer and spent the whole time trying to keep me away from my children, causing fights with our neighbours (big problem were we live, the nearest village a km away) upsetting everyone and generally being a pain in the arse. I'll try the nappy thing, it might work.

Something my aunt taught me that has always helped me in sutations like these is to recite to myself

"Obviously she has a problem and something is bothering her.
She behaves this way because of whatever it is that is bothering her.
Whatever is bothering her is nothing to do with me.
So what she is saying/doing is nothing to do with me.
It will be water of a duck's back - she's water, I'm the duck."

Sometimes it takes a lot of reciting!

Sometimes you need to just bite your tongue and not give her any ammunition. If you respond it only escalates.

What have you promised yourself as a reward when you escape back home?

I big bottle of wine and a curry. Can't get curry where we are.