I can't do this anymore

[sparklymieow]

After a year of Dh's moods and depression, I have had enough. I can no longer take the sulks and the moods swings when I need to do something. I know he has depression but he refuses to do anything abut it. He won't go to the doctors, just keeps saying that he only needs me not pills. We rarely have sex, because I am so tired by the end of the day, and his moods have put me off. I don't enjoy it anymore. He doesn't help with the kids and stays in bed until I either scream at him or he decides to get up (he doesn't work) I am dreading the move and I can't see us together much longer. I want out but would never leave my kids. I feels so sad as we do get on well when he is happy, he can make me laugh, but I think we have finally outgrown each other. We have been together 10 years since we were 16. We sat down and spoke about evrything that was bothering us about each other and his main problem with me was the lack of sex (no surprise there) where as mine was his moods and the lack of support. I really can't do this anymore. I sometimes think we should have never got back together when we split up in '99.
Sorry if this seems rushed or makes no sense.

It makes perfect sense, but only you can decide what you want to do with regard to the future.

I personally have always felt that he pulled out of you too much. The AM thing was an absolutely dreadful situation but you got on with it and continued to put one foot in front of the other, and IIRC he just hid indoors and let you do it all.

You are not his mother, I am at a loss as to what to suggest you do.

Do you think things might improve once you're in the new house? After all your current home doesn't have many happy memories with the problem neighbours, does it?

Perhaps you need to make him promise that, once in the new house, he will seek help for his depression as clearly he isn't beating it by himself.

Yesterday I took my best friend and her sister to a fancy dress shop to choose our outfits for a party, he sulked and moaned beacsue there wasn't room in the car for him and my kids too, so he had to stay behind.
I did say that LGJ, that I had to carry on when AM was outside every day, and all he could say was 'you were not threatened, they didn't threaten to kill you'

The thing is I haven't been proper happy in over a year, before AM started up, he has been like this for about 2 years.

Sorry to hear this.

Does he really know how down you are about it? I mean REALLY know - blokes are often crap at realising when women have had enouogh and put it down to whining. Also, have you explained that sex would probably be more likely if you got more help and friendship in the day cos you'd be less tired and feel more like it?

Think Freckle has a good point - he gets himself to the dr once you've moved.

If I am truthful, I want to separate. He knows how i feel.

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I hate the thought of being like this for the next 50 years, I can't do this.

But I could never leave my kids, and I know he wouldn't want to either.

why would you leave your kids?Can't you move in to the new house just with your kids and have a trial seperation.If he is not prepared to tackle his depression then you have to think of yourself Life is too short to live it miserably.If he got help would you try or do you just want out?

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Good advice from rickman. Often a separation is sdaly what it takes for some fathers to actually pull their finger out and spend some decent quality time with their own kids. If only they had done it when they were together, a lot would be put right with what was wrong in the first place, I reckon.

Sorry to hear this sparkly. Is this really, truly what you want or have the hassle an pressure of all your recent problems just heaped up so much that you have lost sight of things?

Hi Sparkly, can't think of anything constructive to say but remember chatting with you months ago when you were having trouble with your vile neighbour, just wanted to send you [[hugs]]

Hello sparkly, it's totally unreasonable for him to expect you to help him with his depression if he won't seek outside help. He needs someone who is trained to treat depression, with the best will in the world it is not a simple matter that can be rectified by the loving care of a wife or husband. He needs a professional. If he had meningitis or a broken leg he wouldn't expect you to nurse him better without help from the medical profession so why is this any different? No wonder you feel at your wit's end. I would tell him how hard this is hitting your relationship but agree to try for a bit longer if he will seek the proper professional help he needs.

If he can do that and start working on the depression perhaps he will become more his old self again, and hopefully you will remember what was so good about him. x

Sparklymieow,

Have you talked with your own GP about your DH's depression?. Its totally unreasonable for him to expect you to deal with his depression without any form of outside help. However, he may be thinking like this because he is not thinking straight due to his illness.

Have a look also at www.depressionalliance.org.uk; they may be able to help you as depression affects not just the sufferer. The whole family is caught up in it as well.

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can't chat about it much, he is here. We discussed things, whether its changes remains to be seen TBH.