my dp has ED and says it's because he doesn't fancy me any more. would sex therapy help?

[jenningsandderbyshire]

My DP and I are both in our early 40s. We started going out about 7 years ago, and split up after 4 years over the issue of (his) commitment, marriage, children etc. We got back together after about a year's separation, and started ttc. Ever since we got together, he's had ED, which he never had in our first 4 years - far from it, he was always ready and willing, and his main complaint about sex was that he wanted it more often. Although he did explain away his reluctance to commit as a concern that there wasn't enough chemistry.

He had a couple of brief relationships while we were apart, and he said there was more chemistry with those women, but (perhaps connectedly!) no long term relationship potential.

We're now facing a cross-roads - I still love him and fancy him, and am heartbroken at the thought of separating. He says he loves me very much, but the spark is no longer there, and he's miserable and frustrated. We're thinking about going for relate sex therapy, but am I fooling myself into thinking the spark can be re-created? Has anybody else tried sex therapy in this situation, and found that it helped?

Does he still get erections?

It could be his issues about commitment rearing their head by his todger not rearing its head.

It's pretty horrible that he says it's because he doesn't fancy you anymore. That's just nasty. Are you sure you want to make it work with someone who doesn't/says he doesn't fancy you?

There could be an underlying health reason and he is using the excuse that he doesn't fancy you because he doesn't want to face up to that fact. He is avoiding a visit to the doctor methinks.

It could be a health issue, indeed. But I don't think the OP should take that kind of crap from someone who's supposed to care about her. Two issues here IMO, his ED and his attack on the OP's self-esteem. The ED is likely fixable, but nastiness isn't.

Any man that will tell you he had more of a spark with the women he slept with when you were parted does not care about your feelings.

I wouldn't bother trying with him.

Thanks for these messages. He does still get erections most of the times we try (about 3 times a month), but it takes more work than it used to, and they don't last very long. They do sometimes proceed to (his) climax, but sometimes they disappear before that. It's all quite a change from what it was before. He has been to the GP and has blood tests - they're OK. We've also been for an initial assessment session at relate.

He has been more diplomatic than I may have represented it - he's generally careful to say that he thinks I'm attractive, but that his personal feelings towards me have waned. And I've met one of the women he went out with while we parted - suffice to say she was not slimmer and prettier than me - quite the opposite on both counts (rather ugly in fact - miaow!). Which he acknowledges, but mumbles something about it not being an objective thing, and that perhaps he and I are too similar in terms of personality (too compatible!). But I have found it all very stressful and upsetting.