Trying not to make this too long but about 7 years ago I left a very abusive (mainly emotionally) marriage. Since then I haven't had a serious relationship, have had two relationships that were ok but fairly superficial from the start so I didn't feel as if I had to invest much trust in them. Now, despite not looking for someone, I've met a new man and we've been going out for 3 months. He's absolutely lovely, we get on like a house on fire and he likes dd (they haven't seen each other much but when they have he's been great to her) and he's very understanding about what I can and can't do because I'm a lone parent (ie not many nights out, not much spontaneity etc). It's become quite clear we're both falling for each other. But because this is my first serious relationship since exh something's niggling in the back of my mind, that feeling that it could happen again.
Think the crux is that I feel I have to be extremely 'on my guard' in case I've picked yet another one that will seem nice at first but turn out to be a twat really. Being logical it doesn't seem hideously likely, I'm a lot older (debatably wiser) than when I met exh and, if I'm honest with myself, exh was a twat when I met him but I was so young and naive I focused only on the 'nice' bits and excused everything he did wrong as being due to his abusive parents. It still doesn't erase the doubt I have, especially as anyone I let deeply into my life has the potential to affect dd.
I've read up about EA and 'red flags' and the only ones new man even comes near to ticking are about expressing strong feelings quickly, but it's only been in the last few weeks that he's talked about the future together (as in wishing he could wake up with me, not suggesting marriage) and how much he likes me (not said the 'L' word yet though). He could be seen as 'tight' at a stretch I suppose but is on a fairly low income like me and has always offered to pay his way/go dutch etc without whipping out a calculator. He doesn't have many friends but has spent years dealing with social anxiety and gets on well with the friends he does have and with strangers.
He's very nice to other women, never any hint of putting me down or being violent, doesn't have 'two faces' (the opposite of warning signs I've read) but I'm still finding it hard having that voice at the back of my mind warning me that he could be covering up a more sinister personality. He's very quiet and I've never seen him angry or had an argument with him (although I've seen him irritated once or twice, not at me, but only known because he said he was irritated, not because he actually got angry), which maybe makes it worse, maybe he seems too good to be true. He doesn't try to seem perfect though, quite happily points out his own faults (without me feeling he's 'warning' me of them), so I don't want to condemn him just because he's too nice!
Sorry this is so long, but hoping for experience from others who've had a 'normal' relationship after abuse, how to trust someone who seems lovely but still watch for subtle signs in case they're not.