Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t - WHY

[JCW]

Have been a lurker for a time and have seen that posters are at best times great sounding boards.

Can you be mine

I am "happily" married - really I am. Have a good husband who is very stable and hardworking. But I have recently bumped into an old boyfriend. We were never going anywhere but he was all the things my DH isn't, romantic, spontaneous, thougthful. But he was never in for the long haul and a wanderer.

But now I have bumped into him again I find I have feelings for him. I know I shouldn't but..........

Am I holding on to old memories and beleive me I can quote dates, times, places. Nothing spectacular stands out with my DH but as I said he is dependable. But I can't help feeling for my X and wondering what it would be like if we got together now

tell me I am stupid

You are stupid.

Welcome to MN

Seriously, please don't do anything. Nothing good will come of it. He's not dependable.

Go on a date with your DH. Make it more romantic.

(Oh, and you're not stupid )

imho the way you are feeling says more about you and dh than about you and the ex. a wee bit of disatisfaction may be. sort it out another way that won't cause untold pain to all involved. i know 's difficult but i think that's the answer both your head and heart want?

is the grass REALLY greener?

memory can be selective you know

Thanks hunkmunker. If only I could get him to be romantic. I know I am being silly but recently since "he" came back to town even my friends are saying " oh you and ..."

Why did you split up? Why did you marry your DH?

Think about why you married DH and not him in the first place and why you've only just thought about him after bumping into him. It sounds like you're already with the right man.

Hatstand I know my heart is with dh and realy I should stop being silly but I can;t stop thinking about "him" the lsat few days and know that "we" put that way cos there is no WE will never be together anyway

No, you're not stupid. But my advice is to enjoy this for what it is - a fantasy - and then concentrate on what you have, and what's good and solid in your life.

Lord, I know it's tempting...but there's a reason it didn't work out. He's part of your past - leave him there.

secondhand I am with the right person but guess I am just bored at the minute and just when I see "him" he gets my puls racing but I know it is not "real" love just memories.

Thing is we were so in love and part of my heart is still with him but I know that we can never be together. Funny I think he still feels the same. Oh hell why couldn't he abd DH morph into one and then I would have my perfect man

JCW

I know someone else whose going through the same and she met him without her husband's knowledge. She got found out and her marriage is in all sorts of trouble at present. Please do not go where she is at.

It is so not worth the pain caused. Do not open this Pandora's Box. We can all say , "what if...." but fact is he and you were not - and are still not right for each other. You do not love your ex, you're just hanging onto old memories, I note all these are the good ones not the bad. Put it in a box marked "DO NOT OPEN".

I don't doubt you're happily married at all but sense a little "what if..." and a degree of wishful thinking.

i definatley think you should put some romance back into the relationship with your dh book a night or weekend away and spend some quality time together

The grass isnt greener i used to think my dp argued less with his ex and their relationship was better than ours but then i realised they didnt live together or have kids together so there was less to argue about and they still argued so if they had thrown the daily crap into it they probably would have argued more and we dont argue that much considering the stress we are under s'pose what im trying to say is that real life cant always be rosy but memories can, also your imagination can run away with you.

im sure if you thought about it realisticly this man wouldnt make you as happy as your dh makes you.

Exes tend to be exes for very good reasons. Think of the reasons you split up with him - they will still hold true. You say "we were never going anywhere", "he was never in for the long haul", he was "a wanderer" ... is that worth risking losing the good man who you say you're happily married to? Is it really worth throwing your marriage away for someone who you have such negative thoughts about?

My philosophy is that if the grass is greener on the other side, then you plant some more grass on your own lawn! Look after your relationship with your husband, make the time for romance again, do the exciting things that you used to do when you were first together.

Message withdrawn

wwb - I love that about planting more grass - what a fab way to put it

You're stupid! Don't do it, it's a fantasy, the reality won't be anywhere near the fantasy. I agree with everyone else, reignite things with your dh, go out for dinner or spend a night away, whatever you can do. Have a day or night off being parents and remember why you're a couple.

Writing as someone who has just found out that her husband did have a fling with his ex who was more exciting, beautiful, glamourous, sexy etc, I beg you not to do it. Finding out has completely shattered my world. I thought we had a good marriage. It would completely devestate your dh if he ever found out and would ruin something solid which is how your marriage sounds. Don't ruin that for the sake of fun you could be having with the man you love, if only you put some imagination into it.

sorry, didn't mean to kill your thread.

Agree with marthamoo - enjoy it as a fantasy just as you might have fantasies about Brad Pitt but make sure and accept that it goes no further and work with your husband to make your marriage more like you want it to be because as others have said this is where the real problem is.

No apology needed Cadbury just had no access to pc for a few days.

You are all right. It is just a stupid fantasy so I won't be going there

When I was ten years old I found a love letter my mum was half way through writing to her university sweetheart whom she bumped into at a reunion. They were seeing each other behind both their spouse's backs and it was me who discovered their affair. It was too much for me as a ten year old to take on board and I chose denial as a coping mechenism and told no-one what I knew which has wounded me severely and affected every relationship I have formed since. The affair was eventually discovered by my dad and my parents are now divorced.

Do not risk the possiblity this may happen to your family, my mum's affair came to nothing and she still lives with the guilt of what she did twenty years ago which tore our happy family apart. I also have a cross to bear for the rest of my life, a cross given to me by my mother who's personal life became more important to her than her children. Her marriage to my dad was not perfect but the years of sorrow and heart break we all had to suffer because of her actions were infinately worse.

There will have been reasons why it did not work out. If you can trust yourself, maybe you should meet up with him for a drink, arrange it so that you have to go home in case it goes too well? Ig your husband is expecting you back then you will have to go home since an excuse would be an abvious lie.

You might find that the feelings dissolve after half hour, more? Then you would be free of them. If you still feel them, you are no worse off than you are now? Very dangerous suggestion. Probably best to ignore it. You know best underneath.