Help me "man-up", "grow a pair" whatever the term is - long, rant

[TalesOfTheUnexpected]

I'm too sensitive. I agonise and over-analyse anything and everything.

For example, I had some house insulation fitted yesterday and the installers needed to talk to next door (it's a semi-detached house), and he apparently was quite rude to them. Said they wouldn't have to ask him for access to his side of the house "if SHE hadn't had the fucking conservatory built so fucking big and so close".

So, now I'm dreading seeing my neighbour. Instead of just thinking, I applied for planning permission, he had chance to object, he didn't, I have my conservatory. It's his problem, etc, etc.

My BIL recently made a pass at me and I didn't have the guts to tell him to away. I just kissed him back and have since felt bloody awful about the situation.

My ex-husband walks all over me. Doesn't see the kids for weeks then asks to see them at short notice. Predictably, it's Fathers Day this weekend so he's deigned to see them. Any other time, he doesn't bother. But, because he's asked and it's Fathers Day, I'll give in rather than tell him to fuck off. If he can't be bothered every weekend, why bother this weekend.

What I say in my head and what comes out of my mouth are two different things.

Like I say, I need to grow a pair. Rant over. No need for replies, just a vent I suppose.

Thank youuuuuuu!

Venting always good but I agree, you need to learn to stand up for yourself a little more, especially wrt the BIL!! Presumably your sister's DH then?
HE is a knob, you may have been an innocent party but if if comes out, your sister (presumably) is going to be livid. The longer you leave telling her, the more it will look like you have something to hide - probably best to get that out in the open and say you were so shocked that you didn't slap him like you should have.

Re. the neighbour - ignore. As you say, he had his chance to object, didn't, his problem. Not yours.

ExH - how old are your DC? Are they happy with this ad hoc crap? Because sooner or later they will get pissed off with his treatment of them as well and start refusing to go/see him whenever he feels like it.

Have people always walked all over you or is it more recent?

Thanks for the reply. I did need one actually.

BIL: no way I could tell my sister. She would divorce him in a heartbeat. Best to just keep it to myself. We were both drunk.

Neighbour: I think this affects me more because I thought I had a good relationship with him. I didn't know he resented my conservatory.

ExH: Got 3 kids under 7. 2 have quite bad learning disabilities so they are like toddlers really. They dont realise the ad-hoc crap. They are just delighted to be seeing Daddy. ExH has had bad mental health issues as well (that's a whole other story involving absconding from an ambulance and being admitted to the Mental Health Unit). So, I don't like to rock the boat so to speak with regards to access.

I'm basically a doormat.

And yes, I've always been this way.

The strongest and best thing I ever did was kick my husband out 3 years ago and divorce him.

I know what I need to do, I just can't seem to get over my lack of self-esteem or confidence.

I've had counselling and that did help. I've been on anti-ds for the best part of 5 years but I'm hoping to come off them now. I just hope I don't crash and burn.

OK - so BIL was drunk too, wouldn't have done it sober (?), moment of madness/possible mistaken identity? and far better to forget about it completely. Agreed.

Neighbour - might have just had an off day. If he had a problem, he should have said something to you - still his problem but sorry that it's making you feel crap. Is he nice enough to you normally? Would you be able to invite him over for a cup of tea and thank him for letting the workmen access your place via his? Or drop a small thank you gift off to him, pretend you don't know about his ungraciousness?

Re ExH - much more tricky. If he has MH problems then I agree that you're best off not rocking the boat - if the DC don't particularly notice the lack of routine then it's not hurting them so let it go. Sad for you but they are the important ones in that situation now.

Re. doormat persona - well. Lots you can do - practising saying No is always a good start, especially if people take advantage of you. I did an assertiveness training course at work once - admittedly I was the only one there who was trying to downgrade my assertiveness from aggressive to just assertive but it was still interesting, especially watching the other people there who had real trouble saying No to the most outrageous demands!
Counselling has helped you part of the way - there are methods that can help you to regain some level of self-esteem and from that will come the ability to stand up for yourself. NLP therapy is one thing to look at - I found it marvellous in what it could achieve.

Oops, DS stirring, gotta go...

I think some more counselling is in order, possibly some CBT to help you change not-useful thought patterns? Or assertiveness training, like Thumbwitch says.

In fact everything ThumbWitch says. Apart from the bit about baby stirring.

Yep.

I'm due at the doctors next week for a review and will discuss what (if any) options for further counselling are available.