feel so miserable

[emilie89]

bit of background here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1204901-dont-know-how-to-help-OH .

"D"P and I have had a rough time of it over the last year and he is often very distant and depressed. I tried to be supportive but I often get frustrated especially when he uses it as an excuse for not being emotionally available for me and our son.

We had an argument last night after he decided he did not want to attend a private view of work by some friends of ours (mainly my friends). I was upset because he had been enthusiastic about it the night before and yesterday morning and I really wanted to go because it's not often I get to see these friends due to being busy with DS etc etc. I then asked him if he would look after DS so I could go alone, he said no. This really upset me because he has a lot of freedom to do what he likes (we don't live together and he often spends nights at his house instead of with me and DS), he sees friends, goes out all night and spends a lot of time working at home on things he enjoys (music). He told me that his therapist told him he needed to be more social, which is fair enough but I guess I feel some resentment about it. Also he only "doesn't feel like going out and socializing" when it is with my friends or doing something that I want to do. Last night after I got upset he said he would just come anyway but he has done this before and he makes it pretty obvious that he does not want to be there. A few weeks ago he came to a friend's birthday party with me and was so rude that in the end we just left because I was so embarrassed. So I did not go out last night and he did not come round and help with DS even though he knew I was upset and feeling crap about our relationship.

Then this morning I had asked him to come round at about 10.30/11 because I am currently undergoing some serious dental treatment and needed to be at the dentists by 11.30. He lives 15 minutes away. He turned up at 11.20 and then pulled a face when I said I hadn't had a chance to sterilize any bottles for DS as I had been trying to get ready/entertain DS/pump like crazy so he could be fed while i was out. He is just useless.

He has now gone out again to have lunch with a friend, leaving me with a big swollen cheek and painful teeth and said he will call me later. Whatever. I am sick of him and he is making me feel increasingly miserable and isolated. He acts as if he doesn't want to spend any time with me and DS anyway and sees it as some kind of chore. I feel very distant from him. I don't know what to do, I don't want us to split up as I want him around for DS and when it's good we get on so well and I do enjoy his company. I know a lot of his behaviour is caused by what happened with his ex and he is deeply affected by it but I just don't know if I can deal with him anymore, but that is so selfish. I don't know if there's anything anyone can say, I just wanted to offload.

Aaaarrrgh! Now I've just been startled by a massive bang in the kitchen and it appears he had left a can of lemonade in the freezer (?!) and it has exploded. He is such a numbskull!!!!!

Don't worry, I will be strong, I think if I just remember the "But you didn't tell me to set an alarm" quote among other things, it will keep me strong!

My mum came over but she was predictably crap. She told me that I needed to think of DS and when I explained what had been happening she just said "Well no that isn't fair" and started talking crap about herself. Not particularly supportive.

Sorry you're going through this.

I think you've done exactly the right thing, getting rid of him. In the end, it's his actions that matter, isn't it? He is totally selfish, self absorbed and only interested in doing what he wants to do. He's a rubbish dad and partner, so you shouldn't mourn the loss of him.

I think you should do everything you can to go back to university. For one thing, if you leave it later, you will end up paying three times the fees. But the main reason is that you're moving forward, you're mixing with other young people, you'll feel much, much better about yourself as a student than if you're just at home doing nothing.

Is the university out of London?

I decided that I couldn't take anymore of his crap. I basically do everything myself, so I know I can, what is the point of the added stress of somebody continuously letting me down and giving me false hope

I hear you. My son is 2.5 and I have just ended my relationship with his father. I realised that it was never going to change and I couldn't live like this for the next 16 years just in order to keep DS's parents under the same roof.

I feel so relieved, and so will you, when you get to that point.

Honestly love, you are going to be so much better off without this classic selfish cocklodger around. What you need to do now is get his contact arrangements with DS legally formalised and make sure you are never dependent on him for childcare or money as he will let you down repeatedly just to put you in your place and upset you.
He's a total knob.