having total openness in facebook,email,phone

[WantToPeep]

My DP and I are having a current conflict on the issue of personal privacy Vs total openness. I firmly believe that if you have nothing to hide you have nothing to worry about and he doesn't.

The last year has been really rough for us as a couple, i became very mentally unwell after the birth of my 4th DC and was sectioned in a mother and baby unit for several weeks. DP took lots of time off work and was very supportive in general.

However since my illness i have gained lots of weight from the medication (and was chunky enough to begin with), i'm still signed off work,my self confidence is in pieces and our relationship has suffered.We have only recently started having sex again after a year of nothing.

Recently DP has changed,he has started buying new clothes, exercising,taking more care of his personal appearance,he brought facescrub for fucks sake. He is socialising more with people from work. He claims he feels happier in himself and this is the reason behind the changes.

I suspect that he has a crush on someone at work.I honestly dont think he is having an affair but i am very worried,but my illness also makes me paranoid too.

I recently snooped on his facebook and phone,i confronted him about a minor lie he had told me. I feel totally stupid for 'showing my hand too soon' as now he has changed his facebook password and pin locked his phone.He said he felt his privacy was violated and i should be able to trust him without snooping on him.

If anything not being able to check is making me the suspicion worse. I can feel myself becoming obsessed with the idea he is heavily flirting with someone at work,maybe starting an emotional affair and theres nothing i can do about it.

What would you do in my shoes? right now i want to demand total openness or else option.This is totally doing my head in.

I'm not confusing anything really, I understand totally the difference between having separate stuff and trying to close someone out.
I just think the op has a whole set of other issues to deal with in relation to herself. Her partner is living his own separate life right now without her in it and tbh if he's not already boffing someone else, he clearly will be soon.

There are a number of approaches the op can take and I don't think crying and getting at him is the right one here. At the end of the day, partners are not a panacea for happiness. It's all very well saying partners have to be 'open and honest' - that's in an ideal world. It's not happening for the op and he clearly isn't going to wake up tomorrow morning and say 'Oh I'd better be more open with my partner'. It's best to deal with realities, and the op needs to look after he own mental health first and foremost.

Hello, WTP. Your opening post made want to reach out and hug you, wrap you in a fluffy blanket or something. You need and deserve care, concern, compassion and respect - not enforced 'privacy'. (For those still in doubt: enforced privacy - secrecy.)

I have two concrete suggestions for you. The first is about the conference. Ring one of the other WAGs, or a man who isn't close to your DP, and confirm that partners are going as usual this year. It doesn't matter what they think of you - or what you think they might think - the only important thing is to get the clear fact. Then, when you find out they are as usual, ring the person who organises the tickets and, very simply, request your travel details.

My second suggestion is one I usually avoid like the plague on here! Forget you're a wife and become a girlfriend. Do all the stuff Mouseface suggested, get a couple of hypnotherapy sessions if you need a mind boost, remind yourself what you're interested in and what excites you, then go to the bloody conference. Have a great time - for yourself, it's about time you had some fun! - and treat DP like he can have you for keeps if he tries hard enough.

My rationale for this is perfectly sound, imo, but I'm afraid I'm too tired to elaborate. I can't be the only reader on your thread who's been somewhere very like where you are now, so I hope they'll fill in.

Looking forward to checking back tomorrow :) Take care of yourself: you matter, you know.