What are the biggest red flags to look out for?

[OhToBeFree]

I have been seeing a NM for a while now. It's nothing serious at the moment as, even though he's been separated for a while, I'd feel better about it all when divorced is finalised etc. NM totally understands this and is keeping his distance whilst still keeping in contact.

Anyway, after being with an EA for around 10 years I'm scared that I'm only capable of falling for those types and so not sure what to look out for.

NM seems lovely at the moment but his divorce is a nasty one and I'm conscious of the fact that there are two sides to every story.

So, it's not that I'm worried at all about NM, just that I'm curious as to what people class as 'red flags' and what to be aware of.

Thank you x

Dr Jeckyll/ Mr Hyde personality. Mr Hyde is the "real" person.

Persistent lying

Calls you unkind names and insists that he was joking (yeah, like bitch and whore are words that you would use lightly )

Lack of empathy and shows little support for you if you are in distress but expects unlimited sympathy from you when he needs something.

Pushing boundaries and not respecting your "no".

Coerces and manipulates you into doing things that you are not comfortable with.

Alters your perceptions by "gaslighting" and asking leading questions.

Expects you to drop everything at a hat for him.

I could go on.....

NorthWitch, I was nodding along to all of yours.

Thanks OhToBeFree for starting this thread. I think i'll definately print it off when I feel ready to start seeing anyone again.

Tells you an unrealistic version of who you are a bit of putting you on a pedestal here, a bit of laying on the charm a bit too thick but also, having unrealistic visions of what you could be or do. Hard to explain, but imagine you are terrified of heights and he tells you you could be a window washer or a guide around the dome of St. Pauls. Or imagine you are not comfortable with maths and he tells you a job in a bank would be right up your street. Not really listening to you and seeing someone in front of him who is not really you at all. Seeing only potential in you and not a real live person with strengths (which he does not bother with, strangely enough) and weaknesses (which he finds early on and then tries to steer you into those areas, where he knows you will be on the back foot). This is boundary testing and also an attempt to place you on shaky ground.

Any kind of addiction, including addiction to endorphins (exercise freak), or signs of anorexia or bulimia or judginess of women's appearance.

Any kind of judginess about others.

Pay attention to any nagging thought that he may be gay.

Peculiarities in his relationship to his mother. Listen carefully to what he says about his mother. Get to know his mother if you can, and listen to what she says about her son and about herself. Men can be just like their mothers; they don't have to take after their fathers.

Just wanting to reinforce the message to really listen to what he's saying. It's all been mentioned above - people really do tell you who they are; we often prefer not to hear it.

If your relationship feels a bit 'elusive' to you - you have this nagging feeling that you need to pin him down - something's wrong. Listen properly to your own feelings!

math - that is BRILLIANT

math That's a fantastic list.
My ex partners mother said to me, on the day we moved in together, "Do you REALLY know what he's like?"

Says it all really.

Wow you have all just described my X, thank god I got out of that one

I don't really have any personal experiences of the red flags being discussed here. Although several of them stick out to me in relation to DSD and her boyfriend of 6 months.

But 2 things that BertieBasset said early on in the thread stuck out to me.

BertieBasset

"Mental" ex's. I have generally found out why the ex was "mental" not too far into the relationship and it is wasn't down to the ex's behaviour generally

Over the top declarations of love very early on - if they fall in love in a day then they will fall out of it just as quick"

In my case these 2 turned out to be genuine. DH's ex really is "mental", she's a horribly abusive woman and mother. DSD has lived with us since she was 9 before that lived with her grandparents because of her mother. DH's ex is the type of person to get into a physical fight with her teenager daughter and be jealous of her when her nan (ex's mum) buys DSD things. She also says thingslike "At least I have a mum who loves me", to her own daughter. So in our case DH was right she really is mental.

Also the declarations of love early on. DH told me he loved me after 3 days, I told him to fuck off. I totally didn't believe him. But almost 17 years later I think he was telling the truth.

Shit. I've just read HerHissyness's list in full, and I recognise myself in a few of those descriptions. Oh god.

Which ones, TFW? It's easy to get these things out of proportion.

... thought it might be wise to add a bit more. We are all abusive sometimes, unless we're superhuman beings (in which case, what are we doing on a forum when there's a world to save?!)

Somebody, on the other hand, who feels they are superhuman, or at least better than others, is very likely to be an abuser. The overriding characteristic of abusive people is their belief that they're entitled to lord it over some others. It doesn't matter how this originated - could be an underlying sense of victimhood, of fear, a compulsion to cruelty or sheer insanity. The dangerous thing is the entitlement.

If your predecessor, TFW, feels thus entitled, it's possible DH has some kind of empathy with people like her: could he have learnt that at a parent's knee or, maybe, from a nanny or other carers? School? In any case, perhaps you are more fiery than average but not abusive - and perhaps this makes the pair of you compatible.

Possible cross-post with you here, so I'll wait & see :)

garlicnutter 7. It's Always Your Fault, 10. Paranoid Control, 13. Entitlement, 18. Walking on Eggshells. Maybe not quite as extreme as the descriptions, but definitely there. I'm a very bossy person especially when it comes to DH, when I'm angry I have in the past said some dreadfully hurtful things to him. Actually looking back I wonder why he took it and is still here. If it was the other way around I'd be off like a shot. Jeez I feel like I've woken up and had a look at the really me, it's not pretty. Bloody hell!

garlicnutter There may be some truth in what you say. (I hope). DH always says I have too much fire in my blood lol. He had a horrible childhood, was neglected, starved and abused (mentally) by his (very mentally ill) mother. He met his ex when he was 15 and he has said that she was the first person to show him love and affection which is why he went with her and stayed with her for such a long time and put up will all the shit.

Maybe I'm not exactly abusive, I'm very much like my dad, hot tempered, bossy and controlling. I have taken advantage of his easy going nature over the years though and it has become a bit of a habit which I know is wrong but is so hard to break the cycle.

Poor bugger. Congrats on your honesty; this could even be the start of something very special for all of you - if you play it straight.

I'm cutting this short due to lateness and vodka, but it'll be great if your presence on this thread signals a willingness to look a little further into all the relationship dynamics you've touched on just now - either with DH or on your own.

I have a book recommendation for you, if you're willing? It's about developing a more flexible, resilient view of the world. It offers practical insights into how the human mind works.
"The Compassionate Mind" by Paul Gilbert.

Hope to find more posts when I come back tomorrow :)

Thanks for the book recommendation. I've ordered it.

It's late for me now too, and I've had several bacardi's and DH has just come home from work so going to make his tea and go to bed. I will come back to this thread tomorrow though.

It is always your fault

I had an acquaintance who, like me, was in one of these relationships.

One day she was going outside with her husband.

"It's raining," he said angrily.
"Sorry," she replied.

TFW - it's OK, you have recognised behaviour you don't like in yourself.

Abusers don't do that. They feel entitled to do what they do. They don't see any fault in what they do.

You have seen that you are treating your H in a manner that is not fair, you are now going to take steps to remedy it. Abusers never ever do this, and on the extremely rare occasions that they do decide to change, it's usually when the entire extended family/social group gangs up on them, tells them they are abusing the DP/DW or whatever and withdraw all support from them.

You have reached your epiphany yourself, abusers don't.

I wish you every success, I reckon YOU will be happier in yourself when you get through this too!