My Mum

[Lemonylemon]

I know I probably should have put this in Mental Health, but it kind of straddles all areas I think.

My Mum is 68 and has high blood pressure, has had several falls, the latest of which was 3 weeks ago - in her bathroom. She wouldn't phone any of us (I have 1 brother, 1 sister) for help. She was bruised quite badly.

My sister and I have managed to get her to go along to the docs (I think she needs ADs). She went along and was sent for blood tests. She was called by the doctor and told to go along to the hospital the next day for more blood tests. Her red blood count is very, very low. She looks as though she has no blood in her. I think she has pernicious anaemia (but I'm not a doctor).

My Mum has no interest in anything. My Dad died nearly 8 years ago and my brother and I think that she is waiting to go too.....

I understand the grieving bit and making an effort to keep going - I was widowed myself nearly 4 years ago. But according to my Mum, her grief is worse than anyone's.... She is a glass half-empty sort of person. She also drinks way, way too much. The couple of times that I've desperately needed help (my daughter being collected from nursery as my train broke down) she had been drinking when I phoned at 5pm.

I don't expect any replies - I just needed to get this "out".

I believe anaemia can make you feel tried and low, so hopefully when the doctor sorts this out for her she will pick up a bit and then you could talk to her about getting out and about more, maybe join some groups and do things with you and your siblings to keep her busy and get more out of life.

God Lemonylemon, you have so much to deal with.

It does sound like her alcohol intake could be affecting her health. I wonder if her fall wasn't drink related, hence her not calling you or for help? My aunt lost her son, 26, to drugs and within five years was dead herself. She gave up, lost the will to really live and drank way too much. Depression, I guess, or simply undiluted grief.

Have you tried to get her gp to organise some counselling for her?

Thanks for your replies.

She did get counselling not long after my Dad died, but it didn't really help. I've suggested that she tries CRUSE, but get waved away with "I'm too far down the road now".....

I think that I will write to our GP and ask if the doctor would refer her for counselling.

I do think that its undiluted grief. She was with my Dad for 40 odd years and I don't think that she can "find" herself in the space that has been left, IYKWIM.

She has 5 grandchildren who would all love her to be a part of their lives, but all she does is sit and do crossword puzzles.... so sad.

My mil is similar, only her dh left instead of dying. Regardless, I find myself getting angry with her, for basically her attitude seems to say, life was all about you. The kids, the grandkids, nothing and no one is as important as you. I don't like that, or even understand it. Maybe thats a flaw in my character, and of course dying is without a choice. Your dad didn't want to leave her.

Have you tried the lecture, about less navel gazing and more doing? I bet this is the last thing your father would wish for her, wasting the time she has left.

Yes, the last thing my Dad would want is for her to be doing this. I've lectured, sympathised etc. My sister "bullies" my Mum, according to my Mum. But that's my sister trying to get her motivated and doing something. Funny (not) enough, my Gran was exactly the same, just gave up when my Grandad died and drank herself to death.....

I can see how you get angry with your MIL, I get angry with my Mum, but I can't let her know that I'm angry as it would just make things worse I think.

The thing is, you can't force someone to live their life, you can't make them want it more. Well, maybe professional counselling can, and antidepressants. It just sounds like her character is set, as you say, half empty. Perhaps the hardest thing for you is accepting that, after all the loss you have already suffered.

My brothers life long partner (and my best friend) died suddenly six years ago. Db wanted to die, and it was so hard to motivate him whilst allowing the grief to take it's course. But I dragged him around my volountary work, which involved terminally ill children, and forced him to keep to a schedule with me. It seemed to work, he found new love and wanted to grab life by the throat again. Then he died in his sleep, just as suddenly, three years ago. But by god I'm glad he died 'living' iykwim? I don't think I could have coped with more wasted life.

Maybe if this is enough for her, you have to accept her idea of satisfied

Perfumed Thank you so much for your kind comments. I'm so sorry to hear about your DB. But as you say, at least he died "living" - that's a lovely thought. But for you.