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Relationships

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Original poster

DH changing our life pattern and I am not happy.

56 replies

Cutiecat · 15/06/2011 06:29

i am due to give birth to dc3 next week and over the last few months i feel that DH is increasingly changing our life pattern. What i mean by this is that he keeps taking days off work or working from home without telling me. We have been having a lot of building work going on which is drawing to a close and i have been managing it single handedly. He is not interested in it at all but does want the work done. DS is at school full time and DD is at nursery every morning.

Our situation since having children has been one of me staying at home and him going to work. He would not want it any other way, i.e he would not want me to go back to work yet and i am very happy being at home raising our family. But recently it seems that he is not doing his side of the bargain. I think he is bored at work, he as a global job and for the past 4 years has been travelling a lot but this seems to have changed with the economic situation and change of management at his work.

I am finding that on average he is not going into work two days a week due to illness, 'working from home' or holiday. None of this is discussed prior to him doing it. Last week I returned home from the school/nursery run and supermaket shop to find him in his cycling gear about to go off for a cycle ride. I had asked him at breakfast what he was doing that day, he didn't mention staying at home.

He has been talking of changing jobs within his firm and one of the positions will require him to work from home twice a week. I feel this will be too much for me with a new baby. I will have to make him lunch and will be over crowding me as we don't have a study or anything he works from the kitchen table. So he is sitting in the centre of the home where my friends come for tea etc. Also when the children are home they have to be quite as he is often on conference calls.

I don't know how to handle this but I feel I want a traditional life where he gets up and goes to work everyday. He puts in 100% at work and i take care of the home. He is changing the routine of our lives and i am not happy. I can see this could cause real problems in our relationship. I have tried speaking to him and his response is to say he understands but actually he is ignoring me and carrying on doing what he wants.

What can i do to make him understand?

OP posts:

Omigawd · 15/06/2011 10:17

I wonder if he hasn't been made redundant but doesnt want to worry you? What field is your DH in?

As to working from home that is increasingly common so I think your traditional model will require some adjustment. The kitchen is the worst place to work from as it is the hub of the house, wherever the TV is is next worst. I assume all bedrooms are now populated with DCs so using one for an office is out the question? DH works from home quite a lot and took over the dining room on days when doing so, we moved and now have a small study which is the "work from home" room. My neighbours had a conservatory/office put in for DH.

One of us usually wants lunch 1st and asks the other if they are hungry, and it goes from there....

cestlavielife · 15/06/2011 10:20

build him a small office in garden - insulated shed type thing. get all the cables conenctiosn so he can work there. if not tehn lap top in bedroom.

i dont understand how work can REQUIRE him to work from home - is it a hot desk situation?

is his work actually going ok? is he having problems there? is he really working?

if you dont want to make him lunch take kids out for the day

BooyHoo · 15/06/2011 10:23

god how selfish are you.

HerHissyness · 15/06/2011 10:24

No, it's no great deal to make lunch for two instead of one, but it's the expectation.

OP states that she came home from the school run and a supermarket shop to find H at home in cycling gear. OP is PG, surely he could have offered to have done the school run or the supermarket run? But no, he is taking up residence in the kitchen telling everyone to be quiet, and expecting lunch to be made for him.

Why could HE not offer to make lunch for the OP?, seeing as she has building work to supervise, shopping etc to do and the school run. Why is HE not fitting more into HER day, rather than the other way around, making HER day fit with his impromptu day at home?

Fennel · 15/06/2011 10:24

I think it can be very difficult having a partner suddenly working from home. DP and I both have phases of working more at home/out of the home/being the one doing childcare while the other is working at home. And it takes quite a lot of careful setting of boundaries and expectations to make it work.

e.g. you do need to be able to agree where and when the children can be noisy, and it's not really fair to expect them to be quiet all day in the kitchen/living room.

Also for us, one person "working from home" and then going off for a few hours cycling, with several small children in the house, would have been quite unacceptable.

I suggest you have to talk about ways to make his working from home habit work for you - in terms of where, if/how interrruptions are welcome, whether there's an expectation of making lunch etc.

HerHissyness · 15/06/2011 10:26

FWIW, if this were a woman posting, I'd say the same - if you are not normally at home, why expect the person at home to make your lunch? Why not offer to help out with the chores? It's basic.

HerHissyness · 15/06/2011 10:27

OP, does he take a packed lunch to work normally?

expatinscotland · 15/06/2011 10:35

He needs a place to go to work - a room or a shed. Demanding silence from young children for hours on end in their home is unreasonable.

culturemulcher · 15/06/2011 10:43

Wow! I would love DH to work from home twice a week. Even getting him to come home an hour earlier on a Friday is a challenge.

curlychips · 15/06/2011 10:44

HerHissyness I think he probably thinks the school run and doing the shopping is part of her 'job', given he is the one earning money, even when he's at home or going for a cycle.

Ephiny · 15/06/2011 10:48

Sorry, but I think it's a bit weird to resent your husband spending time in his own home! People are also allowed to change their minds, and maybe the 'traditional' setup isn't working quite as well for him as he originally thought. He shouldn't be held to that for the rest of his life, feelings and circumstances do change. It sounds like you're quite happy to live off his earnings but otherwise don't really want him inconveniencing you with his presence or existence. If that's a 'traditional life' then you can keep it.

Also don't get why you have to make him lunch. Why can't he make you lunch? If DP and I were both home at lunchtime we'd take turns to prepare lunch. Or otherwise you could each just sort yourselves out with a sandwich or snack as and when you feel hungry.

I do think he's being a bit unreasonable about the children having to be silent though - if he's choosing to work from home (i.e. he could go into the office if he wanted) knowing that there will be small children around, he has to accept that there's going to be a bit of noise.

HerHissyness · 15/06/2011 10:51

clearly curley and I would indeed have a problem with that too!

HerHissyness · 15/06/2011 10:51

sorry, curly!

2rebecca · 15/06/2011 11:12

If either my husband or I aren't working for some reason we do tell the other one. I wouldn't like the sickies if not sick, have a strong work ethic and would then have a chat about what is going on here if husband said he was sick but looked perfectly healthy.
I work part time so if my husband is going to be in the house as well I like to know.
I would have a chat with him about what is going on, probably accept he may be working from home more but make it clear that if so he needs to sort out somewhere to work and the kitchen isn't appropriate, and that if he needs everyone quiet you'd rather he went into work or went to the library rather than expect the rest of the family to revolve around him. Also tell him you'd like to know in advance when he is going to be in the house and that you expect him to sort out his own lunch as you don't want him to just make more work for you.
This can work but he has to accept the household won't revolve around his work needs if he decides to work from home and that it is primarily a home not an office.

midoriway · 15/06/2011 11:33

Cutiecat, I probably have a bit more sympathy for you than most people here. You had a family set-up going that you thought was working, now your husband seems to have changed tack with no consultation, and with little awareness of how it impacts on you. It doesn't necessarily make him inconsiderate, or you inconsiderate, just that there has been some subtle change here, and you are not happy with the results.

My DH does work of a similar scope, and the whole "shhhh, daddy is on a conference call to chicago" routine after school gets old very quickly. While it may be nice to work from home, it is not nice to feel you are living in an office. If we had the space, I'd build him a office shed in the yard, and stick him out there for office hours and international conference calls at midnight.

Does he work for an international IT services firm? It sounds like he does, the work life pattern you described feels very familiar.

It sounds like some of your issues might possibly be able to be worked through with a few sessions with a counselor. People tend to use counselors too late, when things are in full blown crisis, but with changes at work and a new baby on the way, this might be the right time for a quick MOT.

FlankerMum · 15/06/2011 11:37

I would be suspicious that he has / is going to be made redundant given the odd behaviour.

All the work from home schemes I know of would not allow your DH to be a regular home worker (even for 2 days a week) given your home set up and ages of the children. I'm a home worker and had to show that I have a dedicated room for an office where I wouldn't be interrupted by the rest of my family (which couldn't be the sitting room or kitchen). The work space had to comply with health & safety regarding proper desk / chair / lighting.

Sorry to put these thoughts in your mind but I think you need a bit of a heart to heart with your DH to get to the bottom of what's going on.

midoriway · 15/06/2011 11:57

Flankermum, the idea that all homeworkers have properly audited spaces, free of the distractions of children, that meet with health and safety in regards ergonomic chairs and proper lighting is amusing. I say this as I watch my DH perched on the couch arm trying not to trip over the cat, sending emails out.

Skylars · 15/06/2011 12:15

I sympathize with how much trust you have to put in your partner to ensure you as a family have the best financial security and opportunities possible.

It's quite scary to think that now just one of you drives this within the 'paid' workplace, and having come from a successful career it can be really difficult to not try and get too involved with where they are heading etc, however - I think you need to stand back on this one and allow a bit of flexibility.

Try to arrange in advance which days he'll be working from home - and do him a favour and get out the house so he can have some quiet. If he spends a day at home with no warning just carry on with the plans you have already made. At least he'll get in the pattern of giving you the heads up?

Overrall - times are tough right now and to put this situation into perspective be thankful that you can stay at home and have this time with your children - it's a really privileged position to be in (albeit bloody hard!) And try to figure out if there is a problem - exactly what it is so you can both deal with it. Sounds like there's an elephant lurking in the room and you guys don't have much time to address it?

midoriway · 15/06/2011 12:26

I think Skylars has a good point about the trust you have placed in your husband to keep the finances of the family above water. Are you worried that you have made the wrong decision?

garlicbutter · 15/06/2011 12:35

You've got builders in - can you not have them partition off a section of the biggest room, or convert the shed to an office/den? See what DH thinks; it should suit the both of you.

eandz · 15/06/2011 12:37

My dh did this to me last year. I told him he could work out of the bathroom. He went right back to work after I moved his work stuff onto a foldaway table in front of the toilet.

garlicbutter · 15/06/2011 12:39

(hint:) - I'm currently converting my shed! Cost: loads of expanding filler, £30; six rolls of insulation, £30 (Wickes special offer); six sheets of plasterboard, £100. Add on 2 days' labour for the builders, it should cost you around £750.

Ormirian · 15/06/2011 12:40

Perhaps he's miserable in work. Perhaps he's like to make alterations to your life but is afraid of broaching it. It's a bit hard on him to be stuck in a pattern that makes him miserable if there is a compromise - perhaps working from home is that compromise.

Could he work in an office in the garden? Do you have an outhouse you could convert? Get him out of your hair and make him feel as if he is really at work even when he isn't.

garlicbutter · 15/06/2011 12:40

eandz!

Miggsie · 15/06/2011 12:41

You need to talk to your husband about why his work pattern has changed, this does happen. My team works a lot form home and everyone has the choice and many prefer it as they get more time with their kids. If he is bored with his job support him to get a new one, not complain he's under your feet.

It also occurs ot me that you consider home to be "your territory" which he is encroaching on, which does suggest control freakish tendencies. Do consider that at some point he will retire and he'll be around a lot. Or will you have totally separate lives by then?

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