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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone got a DP/H who follows them around in arguments and won't stop no matter what?

22 replies

cherryburton · 14/06/2011 10:38

Huge fight this morning, got totally out of hand. He was shouting at me, I ask him to stop. Then I try just agreeing and being quiet. I leave the room, he follows me still ranting. Then I think sod this, SHUT UP and in the end I had to actually leave the house to get away from him. He literally can't stop himself, whether I ask him nicely or scream at him to get out of my face and give me some time out.

I don't know how to deal with him at the moment, yes, he's stressed because his dad's very ill, I get that, but I don't think that means I have to be treated like that and in front of oru two DSs, which is the worst thing.

Is this normal behaviour in arguments and how the hell do you get them to stop it?

OP posts:

Original poster

cherryburton · 14/06/2011 10:47

He did come back later and really apologise, but I'm not sure he'll ever be able to change this as he's done it as long as I've known him from time to time. He also told me I look just like my step mother which was around the point where I flipped and wanted him very far away from me.

OP posts:

animula · 14/06/2011 10:47

Well, assuming all else is well, one way is to say that you will discuss the issue at x hour, and outline clear rules of engagement (no shouting, civility, even things like timers for each person to have equal amounts of time to put their points across). And then follow through. if you don't follow through (both of you) it just means that you get guerrilla fighting, and emotional outbursts : the purpose of which is to offload bad feelings onto another person (your partner) rather than to actually discuss things.

That's one strategy. Sounds clinical, doesn't it? And it is one strategy only - others are possible. And it won't work if things are generally off-kilter, rather than a temporary blip.

Original poster

cherryburton · 14/06/2011 10:56

Thanks animula. I think the timer thing is a really good idea as it drives me beserk being interrupted which he also does constantly.

I think everything is all to pot lately. The usual stuff, we just never get any time together away from the kids, we don't sit down and finish all the chores etc until about 9pm by which time I'm about ready to nod off anyway. And with his dad being very ill it makes things more stressful. It just feels like there's so much to do and no time to do any of it, and the relationship is being neglected but I have no idea how to fit the time into the day to do anything about it...

OP posts:

Original poster

cherryburton · 14/06/2011 10:57

Sorry, am being a bit whiny, aren't I? Am just feeling a bit fed up and defeated this morning.

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animula · 14/06/2011 11:04

Sounds grim. Lauriefairycakes made a point on a thread a long while ago that a lot of families are being pressured to the point of collapse by modern life-work. So, if it makes you feel any better, you're not alone.

My tuppence-worth is that you need to grasp the nettle. In an ideal world, all the love-nourishing time, that is really important to keep a relationship verdant and lovely, would be there - or there would be enough of it. Sadly, that is not the case for many of us. We need to get out that, and forcefully carve the time. Which will feel bizarre, and artificial at first.

And yes, because there isn't enough "time" to go round, some hard choices will have to be made. It's very easy for us as loving parents, and loving people, to put our time on-hold, to the back of the cupboard, to the bottom of the pile, with a post-it note on it saying "not immediate", because there always seems to be something that is more deserving.

But it's not. Your relationship deserves that time. Goodness knows how you actually do it, though! Throw money at it, I guess. And that slightly cringe-inducing thing of "date nights"!

Original poster

cherryburton · 14/06/2011 14:04

Thanks, you speak sense.

We're struggling a bit more as all the people that have helped us in the past with childcare are ill at the moment and we don't have any spare money, but there's nothing to stop us sitting outside in the evening with a glass of wine to have a bit of a catch up. We barely made eye contact last week adn it's rubbish, really don't want an otherwise decent relationship to go down the pan because we're getting a bit squashed by life...

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nickelbabe · 14/06/2011 14:06

my ex used to do it.
I'd go off, and he'd follow me.
even when I went to bed to get away from it.

Original poster

cherryburton · 14/06/2011 14:06

(And when you put it into context - we actually had an argument about fricking wrapping paper during which I threw a packet of pitta bread at him. With a few hours breathing space that's fairly comical.)

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nickelbabe · 14/06/2011 14:07

( i have no advice, though.
What animula said makes good sense)

Original poster

cherryburton · 14/06/2011 14:08

nickelbabe - isn't it the most insanely annoying thing ever, I don't understand why they don't understand that a few minutes of space could make all the difference to having a slight disagreement and turning it into a major row.

(Is that part of the reason he's your ex?)

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nickelbabe · 14/06/2011 14:32

it is part of the reason, yes.

it's that whole, where you go, "I don't want to argue anymore, can we talk about it later?" and you still get him going on and on and on, following from room to room. Just let it be!

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 14/06/2011 14:35

I don't know if this is helpful, but I read this recently in a guide about boundary-setting, and I found it pertinent to fruitless argument styles I have been through:

"we might be tempted to tell someone "You can NOT rage at me", or "You can NOT say cruel things to me." These aren't examples of boundaries, these are examples of an effort to control someone else's behavior. A healthy boundary is, "When you rage at me, I feel threatened. I am going to leave (the room, the house, etc) until such time we can communicate calmly." The other person is free to rage to his/her heart's content, but you don't have to sit there and absorb all their anger and rage. If you are saying to yourself, "Why should I have to leave the room? They should have to stop raging!", you are looking at boundaries backwards. "

Original poster

cherryburton · 14/06/2011 14:48

ItsMe - thank you, that is really interesting. I suppose it boils down to the old adage that you can't control others but you can control yourself...

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lookingfoxy · 14/06/2011 14:54

My ex like this also, followed me around, just would not stop. I went to my bed and he followed me up, i'd actually just fell asleep and he pulled the covers off and light on so he could rant some more, Im not proud of what I done next, but lets just say that put an end to it.

Original poster

cherryburton · 14/06/2011 14:56

lookingfoxy - am really curious now...

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lookingfoxy · 14/06/2011 15:03

Ehhm, well I belted him a few times and threw things at him as he was running away from me before locking him out the house.

I had never lost it before or after then and will probably get flamed for that.

Original poster

cherryburton · 14/06/2011 15:23

foxy - I threw pitta bread, I aint judging...

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nickelbabe · 14/06/2011 15:36

I screamed at my ex when he did that foxy.
he retaliated by punching the light switch.
I didn't hit him because by that stage of our "relationship" i had given up completely.
That was about 3 weeks before I left.

FlamingGalar · 14/06/2011 18:38

My dh does this - Jeeze it sends me to absolute boiling point. I'm getting worked up just thinking about it!

He did the whole ripping the covers off and turning the light on to which I responded in a very similar manner to you, LookingFoxy . So wrong, but by god I was angry!

I start off all calm and considered with my approach then end up like a screaming banshee.

Arghh why can't they just fuck off for 5 minutes! I calm down so quickly, but I have to run out of the house to get the chance!!

I have to say actually, dh has improved dramatically since giving up the booze. In fact, no major rows for nearly a year so that's progress for you!

bellamom · 14/06/2011 20:10

i have to confess, this sounds like me when I am angry, I simply cannot shut up or leave DH alone. There is complete loss of self-control and a feeling that it absolutely HAS TO be sorted out in that moment. That feeling is so intense and overwhelming I simply cannot see beyond it. It leads to ripping off bedsheets and a whole lot more. It is scary and intense.

Maybe this is also how your husbands feel.

I can only apologise on their behalf.

I am really trying to work on my anger and learn to let it be, learn that the world will not end if we don't resolve it right now, learn to respect my DH's request for space. But OMG it has a HUGE LESSON to learn and is taking all my willpower and intent. And some anger management classes.

Just thought I would send something from the other side of the fence.

dellato · 14/06/2011 20:17

I too can be like your dh - but with me it mainly comes from complete frustration that he won't talk about anything. If I raise any kind of issue with him he says he's not talking about it and walks out of the room (in a very passive aggressive way)- it can be SO frustrating!! He then of course turns round and says 'look at you, you are so unreasonable and angry' - I'm not suggesting this is what is going on in your case but though I would be devil's advocate!

bellamom · 14/06/2011 20:24

dellato, this happens from my DH too. I know I have monster anger issues to deal with but sometimes I feel he pushes me with not talking about things/saying provocative or unhelpful comments, then I flip and he says 'Calm down dear' or other equally patronising remarks. THe rest, as they say, is messy.

Wish I was a nun,

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