My DH informs me HE is in an abusive relationship!

[justwanttobehappy]

Last night when I got home from work, my DH didn't drop the 'standard' bombshell. He informs me that HE is the one in an abusive relationship and begins to read the evidence LOUDLY, point by point from his Google search that I am abusing him emotionally without giving me a chance to say anything.

After a few years of being so let down (guys won't let you use the 'd' word) and him not being even close to the person he pretended to be when he was interested in me right in the beginning, I get landed with this! He still lives his life like a bachelor, puts himself first, has little regard for me or my DD and doesn't care for us like I would think a DH should. I know he loves me, but he just is so self centred and if he doesn't get what he wants he throws his toys until he gets his way and then I lose out in the end somehow.

I was actually going to post yesterday about what happened over the weekend to get an outsider's point of view to see if me being angry over what he did was irrational, and then I get this news last night after getting home after 11pm from my carer job. Now I really don't know which direction to go, my goodness I never thought I would be accused of being abusive!

If your post had been merely about stesses in your relationship, I'd say it was understandable. Having to commute between Surrey and Bristol by public transport is horrendous, tiring and unpredictable - I can't imagine how one would guarantee to be home by a certain time. (As an aside, would it be better to take the western route, and avoid central London in rush hour?) On top of having a 2-year-old, and your two jobs, it would be majorly stressful even if you were the most sharing, respectful & loving couple in the world.

But you're not. It's unhelpful to disappear without telling you, it's unhelpful not to ring you as soon as he missed his train or it got delayed, it's unhelpful to expect room service at home and it's VERY unhelpful to tell you you're abusive in a domineering tone!

Was he this reliant on you, or this critical before DD? If, on thinking back, your answer is Yes - then I'm afraid you've got a wrong 'un with an inflated sense of entitlement :(

On the very slim chance that it really has all kicked off since the stress levels ramped up, you may be able to persuade or shock him into facing reality.

From what you've written, I doubt it's the latter - but it's only fair to say.
In any event, you definitely shouldn't be piling more love into a bottomless pit. It's dishonest and draining, and never gets you anywhere. I'm sorry you're going through this; you must be beyond exhausted.

I think he might have a point. In one of your posts, you seem to be saying that the child would be better off with a childminder than her own dad because she has learnt the phrase 'stop it', and he took her to watch cricket wearing shorts? Jeez.

MrsR, people at the end of their tether tend to focus on small details as they can't get a view on the big picture (can't see the wood for trees). OP has mentioned loads of other things - expecting his dinner, ignoring household duties, going off out without a word, and more - that look depressingly like being taken for granted with knobs on.

Agree with garlicbutter - you both must be exhausted. I think you're right to assume a childminder would do a better job with the kids. He's being a child too, resentful that you are complicating his life. Sometimes they learn to adapt but under the stressful work situation you are in you are both probably running on empty and now it's turning nasty. It shouldn't turn nasty but with some men (and women) it does. I would suggest you get a childminder for a start and try to work during the day. He clearly resents looking after them anyway. I would also suggest you do what gb said and ask him how he wants you to behave. Answer his accusations with innocent questions - they tend to just go quiet and sulk off. Stand your ground girl, but beware of taking his bait and fighting too hard - he'll just turn it against you. You need to call a truce by the sound of it. You can't go on like that and your kids will be suffering.

How about asking him openly 'You don't seem very happy with our situation - do you think we should separate?'

I would expect my tea too if I worked a full day with an hour's commute either way back to a partner who was at home up till then. She said how he's so tired that he falls asleep on the sofa ("He is putting in such long hours and I can imagine how tired he must be").

Yes, it sounds like he could be doing more, but I don't think a 50/50 housework split is fair when one person is at home during most of the day. Either way, that doesn't give OP the right to attack him verbally. If the genders were reversed, the OP would have been laughed off the thread.

Had to come.

IMO the term abuse is abused these days - thrown around so much now, and used for things that are better described as disagreement or unwillingness to compromise.

I agree that he is not treating you nicely at all.

However, the commuting issue and the questions of whether your jobs are "equal", that's a tricky one. I've had this discussion with my DH a few times - I can't rely on him to be home at a certain time so it's difficult for me to commit to anything if I need him to babysit. I arrange a babysitter if I'm not sure DH will be home on time, it's just one of these things. His job is very demanding and sometimes he needs to stay longer at work than planned. That doesn't make his job any more important than mine, but I recognise that his salary is way more than mine and we need his salary, life would be very difficult without it!

justwanttobehappy - I am sure that the detail of when he gets home is not really the issue - you know that it's about his unkind treatment of you and complete disregard. I think sometimes posters reply reasonably, picking up on small detail - when actually - you are in a very unpleasant situation with a bully constantly making you feel uncared for and unloved. In a normal relationship with someone who treated you respectfully, the issue of being late once or twice would not matter.

It is deeply, deeply unpleasant for him to accuse you for abusing him - all I can say is I hope you can find a way to stand up for yourself and create the life you really deserve.

Can you afford to go to counselling on your own? The BACP website will have people near you - perhaps talking through the marriage on your own , how you feel about it and your feelings about the future will help get clear perspective.

Of course you are not an abuser - you deserve to be loved - if you are not being loved or respected by your partner, then please dont spent the rest of your life with him. Would you want your child growing up in a relationship like this? Because if you don't, then you need to break free yourself.

'I would expect my tea too if I worked a full day with an hour's commute either way back to a partner who was at home up till then.'

She works, too, and gets up at night with the child. He doesn't. Those are two big jobs. And I'm bringing up my kids to be adults who get their own tea, not expect one person to do it because they marry their partner, not their servant.

When both people work and you have a child (whose care is a job), you split the chores and plan ahead as a couple together.

She's also said a) she does all the meals b) they don't earn enough between them to afford outsourced childcare.

Just read your updated OP.

Yes, let's hear it from your DP - bring him on - it would be cheaper than counselling!

If he's reading this - You can find a solution to the problem, or you can be hostile. Your kids are too important to avoid this happening. Your lives, along with so many others are very complicated and in order for your lives to improve I would suggest you sit down and work out a plan with practical solutions to what you should do if either of you gets home late. Write it down, each of you, then see if anything matches. You can take a step in the right direction, or the wrong direction.

Sometimes it may feel as though you're getting a raw deal, but parenting isn't a competition about who can do less for their children, we should be trying to do more for our children, AND each other as partners.

I'm with MrsReasonable. It doesn't seem to me like H is not pulling his weight. So his week is to work long hours, very long commute, eat and then straight to sleep. Plus he looks after your daughter all weekend (you mention cricket all day Saturday then unspecified activity all day Sunday).

Wearing shorts at cricket match then not noticing a tooth problem hardly seem like crimes worthy of an accusation of bad parenting. I've often taken my DD out inappropriately dressed - sometimes it's hard to anticipate what the activities and weather will be like. Plus you say her top lip was obviously swollen - well if this developed over the day it may not have been obvious to him having been with her all the time, whereas to you with a fresh perspective it stuck out like a sore thumb (lip).

It's difficult to know what to make of the late arrival from work after a business meeting. It is possible that such things do unexpectedly get delayed and it is possible that he could only reasonably tell you after he had finished. What reason did he give for not warning you in advance that he was going to be late?

Accusing you of being emotionally abusive is unnecessary and rude.

But MNers often seem to jump to the conclusion of "EA" at any opportunity!

OK. from the snapshot you've given, and let's face it - it is only a snapshot - I'd say your relationship is in trouble. Do you want to put the effort in to continue it? Do you and your partner have enough love, trust and respect to put in the work to get it back on foot?

Was there ever a time it was good? What I'm going on to say, is premissed on a "yes" to that. If the answer is "no" - that's a whole other thing.

You are both stressed. you are both working really hard outside the home. Relationships that survive most often stay the course not because they don't encounter difficulties but because the partners negotiate those stresses to their satisfaction. At the moment, you two seem to be at war.

He is responding to your stress (and his own) with belittling of your work out of the home, disengagement and (it seems) with a bit of a house-work strike.

You are responding by belittling his parenting and disengagement.

To be honest, when things have reached this state you probably need to see a counsellor/outside third party, to a. acknowledge you are both still committed to the relationship b. create a neutral place of discussion c. sort out some ground-rules for polite, meaningful communication that is directed towards problem-solving rather than retaliation.

I am extremely angry on your behalf about the undermining of your paid work, and that he is adding to your work-load in the home. But I think I'd be looking to find out if that can be sorted, if he is prepared to do more, if there are ways for everybody to do less, rather than going for this war of attrition.

That way, at least you find out fast. If he won't try ... well, that tells its own story. But if there's more to it than that - you'll find that out too.

It may well be that he is genuinely, fundamentally, contemptuous of you, and won't/can't change. But at least you'll know.

Perhaps you might find out that it's less bleak than that and manage to get things back.

Wrt his parenting. If he is genuinely less competent than a childminder, then you stop him looking after the child on his own. But you cannot then be angry about him not looking after your daughter. If he is competent enough, then don't chip away at that - it is totally self-defeating, and against your long-term interests. And hers.

Wars of attrition are protracted and exhausting. It may well be that he is not doing enough/cannot be/do what you need/want. But it really is better to grasp that nettle and find out, quickly, rather than drag a dying relationship around with you for years.