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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend worries

20 replies

confusedagainx2 · 14/06/2011 07:19

Hi, I am not a mum but, I've read this site alot for tips on hair and stuff but now I need someone to offer some advice. Last week i found out that my boyfriend of 15 years has struck up a friendship with a girl at work who he has been texting and emailing constantly. i found the emails and they were not sexual, more talking about degrees her hobby and stuff, but i feel gutted. i had it out with him packed my bags told him i was leaving and spent the day with my dad who bascially got me drunk and talked to me. the next day my boyfriend came over he told me that nothing had ever happened it had just been a friendship and that she had a crush on him and whilst i do beleive that nothing ever happened, im feeling devastated. i love him to bits, he is a good caring man/boy and im trying to come to terms with it and move on, but at the moment it is so raw that i cant sleep or eat or stop thinking and im driving myself insane. i wondered if anyone had been through the same thing and could offer some advice maybe positive tips on how i can get through the day without thinking such bad thoughts. all i want to do is cry all the time. he also works with this girl which makes it even harder. will i ever get over this (i know some may think it sounds trivial) but im just so gutted, i feel like my insides have twisted up and my heart seems to ache constantly. I'm not a mum, but i dont want to tell my mum so i thought you may have some practical advice - ooo there go the tears again....

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 14/06/2011 08:19

I think (unless there is more to it than you have posted), you are over-reacting a bit.

If there is nothing untowards in the emails, then there is no reason to be so distraught.

If the same emails had been between him and a male colleague, would you have reacted the same way?

15 years is a bloody long relationship, and it would seem very daft to throw it all away over something like this, unless there are other things going on too.

Men and women CAN just be friends. I have been married for ten years, and still have male friends that genuinely are purely platonic.

Vix1980 · 14/06/2011 09:16

Hi, yeah agree with the above poster, i think after 15 years this type of jealousy thing should have died down a bit, going to stick my neck out and ask if its that time of the month where if your like me anything can make me fly of the handle.

Ive been with my partner for 11 years and did stuff like this in the early stages, i even feel ashamed to think back of how we both reacted when jealousy issues came up. He works in a factory with 12 other men and only 1 women who he hardly ever saw but we got chatting 1 day and he told me about this girls dad who had recently died and she had been confiding in him and he said he didnt believe she had many friends, i encouraged him to talk to her as i felt really bad that she was going through this alone. i trusted him completely and i think thats the main issue, if you can trust your partner then nothing else should come into it really, good luck though sounds like he was telling the truth as there is nothing sexual in there and it was all boring stuff like degrees and friends, dont think theres anything to be too worried about x

Original poster

confusedagainx2 · 14/06/2011 18:21

thanks for your replies! i think it was because his phone keeps deleting his texts and in one message he wrote he was worried he had lost his phone and she replied saying oh your mum won't read your texts will she. I guess i will get over it. reading the posts on this site really helps.

thanks everyone¬!

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 14/06/2011 20:47

I think they are behaving inappropriately. Constantly texting and emailing!Your boyfriend should let this person know that their communication is upsetting you and cool it a bit especially as he told you she has a crush on him! Does she know he has a girlfriend of 15 years?

Original poster

confusedagainx2 · 15/06/2011 07:19

Hello!
I have told him and he has told her, so I'll guess we'll take one day at a time. I just feel insecure and it doesnt help that for the last six months his libido has flattened to nothing, I tend to think if we could have sex 'make love' or whatever that I'd feel like he really wanted me and it'd bring us closer. How do I get his libido back????

arghhhhhhhhhh

OP posts:

Vix1980 · 15/06/2011 08:13

Is he stressed about anything, work home life etc... that could be a major factor or even if hes feeling down, i know personally what its like cos mine has gone right down the last few years but mostly it was down to the stress of not find a job mixed with depression of being on my own all day, sex lives are meant to dwindle the longer your in a relationship, but you still need intimacy.

Have you actually spoken to him about how your feeling and how this situation your in is making you feel? he may open up about what is troubling him...

Original poster

confusedagainx2 · 16/06/2011 06:27

well, he was stressed about work, he hated his job etc but, i think he masturbates (sorry) but he says he hasn't done it for a while. We are speaking, more so than before but it tends to be me doing all the talking as i try to explain just how insecure i am. ive told him that i'm not going to jump him and that we'll just take our time.

OP posts:

crispyseaweed · 16/06/2011 09:31

I dont think you are over reacting at all. You have every right to feel so upset. He needs to cool it with this lass at work, especially as she has a crush on him. Does she know you are together? She should do.
I hope things settle down and he stops this inappropriate behaviour cos its hurting you a lot and he must see that. Dont let him take advantage of your good nature.
Wishing you the best of luck.

Renaissance227 · 16/06/2011 16:14

Why is he being so close to her if he knows she has a crush on him? - Surely that's just encouragement (though I do know men can be a little naiive!)
Why was she concerned her texts to him would be read when his phone went missing?
Has he given you a reason for his libido dwindling?
I admit that sex does deteriorate the longer you are together, but not that much and I certainly do not agree that "sex lives are meant to dwindle the longer your in a relationship"!!
I had a situation a little like this and found out after two months of being told I was just being a jealous idiot that he had been encouraging her more than I thought!
What do you mean by his "phone" has been deleting texts? Surely that is him and why would he do that?
Be on your guard and talk to him more.
Maybe to put your mind at rest AND if this woman is ONLY a friend you should all three meet up for a drink sometime. If he has nothing to hide then it shouldn't bother him!

strawberryjelly · 16/06/2011 16:27

Does his lack of libido coincide with the texting and phoning? In other words, are his needs being met elsewhere?

I can't tell from your post whether you share a house, have a mortgage, or what.

What's the current commitment between you both?

I wonder why you call him a boyfriend after 15 years? are you not partners?

A "boyfriend" somehow implies a relationship that could well be temporary- even if you don't mean that!

can i ask how old you both are?

Original poster

confusedagainx2 · 16/06/2011 16:58

We are both in our late thirties and have been travelling around and marriage was never at the forefront of our relationship. We live together have done for the last fourteen years. We were always travelling and I 'made' him come back to the uK because i wanted to put down roots - before that he was always telling me how much he loved me etc. When we had the day/night apart when i told him i was going i could tell he was genuinely upset and down, but i just still feel shit about it all. and the other thing i should mention is that i had a very low libido for about five/six years of our relationship so maybe part of it is my fault, but during that time i am sure he never strayed which is something all things considering. he told me that she had a crush on him and he was flattered and that she wouldnt stop texting or emailing him, but it takes two to tango. he said they are just friends and part of me does beleive him, but, if that's the case why do i still feel shit and paranoid. also tonight i went to meet him where he parks his car and there was a distinctly girly car in front of his and i felt sure it was hers, i asked him and he said 'for fucks sake, no it's not, then started ranting thats not her car and thats not her car'. i think whatever happens my paranoia is going to be the devil of us. i have kept his texts during that time last week and he wrote to me and said that they were not together but, ooooh what to do........

OP posts:

strawberryjelly · 16/06/2011 17:45

I do understand how upset you are but if you react like this- if it is innocent- you risk alienating him, and he gets pissed off anyway with you.

You can't own anyone- if he wants to go he will, irrespective of you being a detective. If all that keeps a guy is the fear of being found out, and your anger- what does that say about his depth of feelings?

You want someone to be with you because they want to - not because they are being kept on a lead.

Honestly, the best thing you can do is try to not appear bothered, rise above it and ultimately it's his choice- you can't control how someone feels about you.

If you do find out there was more to it, then either you are willing to accept it as a "fling"- or if that is adeal breaker for you, then end it.

Original poster

confusedagainx2 · 17/06/2011 07:01

you are right i will push him further away. i will try to rise above it and appear not bothered. you know what it's like though i just want him to hurt as much as has hurt me so he can feel what it feels like.

i am going to move forward and be positive!

xx thanks so much everyone on here for letting me vent!

OP posts:

Aislingorla · 17/06/2011 07:38

Well, before you sign off confused I would say watch him ( and her) closely. He may think of her as a friend now but if she has a crush on him things might develop very quickly!
Best of luck.
X

Original poster

confusedagainx2 · 20/06/2011 06:32

Soooooooooooo back to the saga.
we went and stayed at his parents as they are away and live by the sea and i thought it'd be a change from our place. then sunday we came back. during the week i have been looking for confirmation that he loves me, a text to me saying he loves me or a hug or a cuddle, i had to go to him for a hug and for a kiss and when i kissed him he kind of turned his face but then he's never been a big kisser. i realised something was still up so on sunday i broached the subject again and he confesed that he was unsure of the feelings he had for this girl, but that i was paramount and he loved me so much and hated himself for what he'd put me through blah blah. so this morning i wake up - i cant sleep or eat still - so good for the waist line! and he's not going into work, he's just lying in bed depressed. surely he can't just turn off his feelings for this girl? and start to suddenly love me again can he?! i think they had a crush on each other.

OP posts:

strawberryjelly · 20/06/2011 08:43

No one except him will know the answer to your final question.

He sounds confused.

TBH the best thing you can do is state calmly that you still love him and don't want a break up BUT you won't be messed with.

I'd say it was far too soon to be saying anything llike "choose between us" but it's clear the attention has made him question his feelings for you- he's had his head turned.

Haven't got any advie really- if you weren't living together I might suggest you had a cooling off period when he thought about his feelings but guess that's not possible? Unless you could go away for a bit and let him stew/sort out how much he wants you?

Aislingorla · 20/06/2011 10:06

Good advice from strawberry.
You do live together, don't you confused?

Aislingorla · 21/06/2011 08:57

Hope you're alright confused.

Renaissance227 · 21/06/2011 11:05

I really feel for you confusedagainx2. It's a horrible situation to be in.
Hope you're ok.

schmarn · 21/06/2011 17:50

I think you were right to be upset about this. He lied to you to start with when he denied he had any feelings and now you are getting near the truth. It doesn't matter if nothing happened or not. The fact that they were emailing and texting all day means that they have an emotional relationship. Men do not email women all day unless they fancy them. The line about her having a crush is real coward's stuff. At least he has now started to admit some of the truth to you.

Unfortunately you have no idea how long this has been going on for or how far they have taken it. You need the truth before you can start to move forward.

Has he confirmed that all contact with her is at an end? If not, you must demand it. He also needs to come clean about everything. If they have feelings for each other (which we now know they do) and they work together, they will have had countless opportunities to cross the physical boundary. I would be amazed if he hasn't shagged her and this would entirely explain his lack of interest in sex or affection towards you. If there was truly nothing to hide, he would show you all his emails and texts rather than deleting them.

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