Barley coping with partner away in forces

[osd]

This is hard, dh has been in the forces now for nearly 11 years, he had just joined when we met. We now have 3 kids. Oldest dd is 4, ds 2.5 and ds 1 soon. He has missed three Christmas times in row and this year will be no.4 and has had only one birthday my dd's 1st all the others have been missed because of work. I manage everything myself, the bills, renting out our old house, managing the let on this house, kids appointments, booking holidays, everything. His leave dates are always being changed almost last minute. I am not coping. The kids don't understand and get very angry, and they miss him, I am lonely and he wants to come out at 12yr mark but jobs market is scaring him. But the point of this is that I cannot do this for another 12yrs. Has anyone been through this or has anyone done the full stint right up to full pension and did the kids resent there dad for missing so much or did it all work out. Any help would be very appreciated and sorry if this is rambling but I am sick of almost single parenthood, I may have financial support but little if any emotional support, 30mins a week phone privileges and an e-mail offer little emotional support. I need advice on whether this gets better, or should I give him an ultimatum, work or family.

hi osd, my fella is in the forces and he's been away nearly 6 months. this is the first tour since we've been going out and I have to be honest, I have really struggled so I admire you for being so strong for 11 years, especially with 3 kids and dealing with everything that comes with looking after them. you might want to post this under forces sweethearts, it's under in the club i think - there's lots of partners with far more experience than i have who should be able to help.

Thank you for your advice, I am a bit lost on where to go for help and advice, I have always just got on, but with another 12 years looming I just feel like screaming or crying, we finally have our first proper rotation, 2 months away one home but with the kids being so young it's really confusing them and I am starting to feel resentful as we have so much fun when he's home as I plan it all and then he goes back to work and it's all dull and routine and no days out as I am flat out busy. And again the kids don't understand. So thank you so much for your help, I feel very alone, even when he's home.

i have felt resentful too. and angry and sad and happy..I don't think I've ever felt so up and down emotionally as I have the last 6 months. Thankfully he's home in a month and things can get back to some level of normality but I'm really not sure what will happen in the future as the thought of going through this again with or with out kids is not something I am looking forward to. the upside is that I think we've talked about so much more and dealt with so many issues that probably wouldn't have come up at this early stage. I really hope someone with more experience comes to hellp you work this through as you do sound in quite a state at the moment. I don't live near a base or anything - do you? Are there any other wives you'd feel comfortable talking to? It sounds like you have been tackling all this on your own and maybe you need more of a support network around you. Especially people who understand what you're going through.

Hi, I don't know if you know this but there is a forum on here for people in your situation and they might have some more helpful advice. Apologies if I am preaching to the choir here though!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/forces_sweethearts

Hi osd.
My DH is on tour at the minute, we've got a ds (3 months old) - it's tough isn't it? Three times harder for you with three little ones.
Do you have any family or friends who could come and stay with you for a bit to help out? Then you could arrange some days out to give you something to look forward to. Have you been in touch with welfare at all? They might be able to suggest something.
I can't advise on the staying in for 22 years (that's what my DH plans to do - so I might be able to let you know in 10 years!).
I probably wouldn't give your DH an ultimatum but you can certainly get him looking into options of alternative careers. Is he army? I know the army help out with retraining etc but I think he would need to be proactive to get this help. I'm not sure re the other forces though but I imagine it would be similar.

No I live in the north of England and I know other wives, the women whose husbands were with my dh when he joined have all left and are now normal civilians, the others are divorced or single. I think I may be the last wife holding on, thanks for your support though. I am usually fine but there is so much pressure at home and i have 30mins a week if there is a satellite signal and e-mails when and if it's possible.. Has your man just joined if so well done for being there for him your right it is not easy. I just have never had a relationship with him if you can understand that, it is hard to understand but boil our 11 years down to leave taken and i guess maybe i have had his companionship for 4 years. I just want him to leave so badly but i guess i am scared if he won't i will just have to keep this up, and i really don't want to, but i love him and i don't want to walk away.

osd i could have wrote your post, except for me it has been 9 years. i have a dd from a previous relationship and 10month old twins. im currently 5months pregnant. my dp is supposed to be on 2 year shore leave, ie, he cant be sent away for 2 years but he has been posted to a job in Bath and so is still only home at weekends and at the moment that job has taken him to afghsnistan for 2 months!
its up to you what you ultimately decide but for myself personally i have told my dp that i have waited long enough for him and i will accept him staying in until his 12 years (2013) for his half pension but not any longer than that. luckily voluntary redundancy has just come up (my dp is navy , not sure if it as for army) and he has been persuaded to put in for it. but i cant accept anything more than 12 years if he is not picked- this is my life too.

im nw england osd where are you?

Hi skinnychai, no he's navy so other problems arise like water and signal positioning and having to go off communication for months at a time and re-arranging leave last minute, and only being flown to oxford or london and at silly times so he often has problems getting home, and there is so much expense and hassle and i have no idea about his life, i just need more, my eldest is nearly in primary and she has problems knowing where he is, at one point she thought we were like her friend whose dad lives in an apartment with a swimming pool and new girlfriend and she kept asking why dad needed a girlfriend when he had me, she was 3, she then got cross at me because he didn't have a swimming pool. I miss him and can never speak to him if there is a minor emergency, and my family work, so i cannot take from them. I just want to see him when things are hard or the kids are sick. I know silly and pathetic, but i don't know how much longer i can stay supportive and unresentful.

Hi Osd i am an ex army wife whose hubby did 27 years. Can i ask a question?

Do you live on the patch? if so then please please take all the communication and support that you can. I fought it for ages and lived outside and independantly and it is twice as hard trying to cope. When we moved to a patch i eventually came round to the idea of using the support groups, creches,coffee mornings and all that was provided. Please please do, you are not the only one going through it and you will find some supportive mums. There is such a spirit amongst certain groups of army wives who look out for each other. I have never had such a reliable and fantastic support in my life, it was so sad moving away to a civvy life to leave it all behind. We offered babysitting, coffee and a chat, playdates, sleep overs anything to lend a hand and keep each other sane.

It doesn't sound like you have the network? Have you contacted your families officer, of the AFF?

On the other hand long term, yes the job market is risky, however my dh was determined to stick in to gain the payout and pension, and i kept telling him he would earn double in the meantime in civvy street as an it manager. He is only just seeing it now sadly, that he could have left years ago and been in a highly paid role. So you need to have a frank sit down talk about it, as the army rumour mills on careers and life outside may be holding him back from looking into the outside world and doing research into another career.

Sorry for rambling, feel free to pm me if you want to talk!

Sorry just read your last posts during my epic typathon! Still Navy, army, potato, patato!

Hi sassy34264 yes i too am nw and we talk, but like you say i need more, and as you have mentioned, my life is also on hold my kids are terrified that work would take me away from them and i want to plan things with him, i feel like we live two lives that occasionally clash in a rather clumsy and stressful way.

what rank is he? has he been moved from ship to ship a lot? reason i ask is cos my dp did about 5 years on ships but then he was due some shore time. apparently once you have done so much time away you get 2 years at a base. i dont know the exact rules and it may apply only to senior rates...... i dont know. sounds funny to me that he would miss 3 xmases in a row thouh cos i know the navy have a r&r policy. sorry dont mean to stir up a hornets nest and i know sometimes they may be home but have to do duties over xmas. mine swapped ship one year and so ended up doing 2 xmas duties in a row but he flat out refused to be put on the rota the following year cos i kicked up a stink.

He is Po and Christmas I think we have just been unlucky, one guy had family issues over christmas and then there was the guy who did his back in over christmas so he had to work but dh was given extra time over summer. But summer means nothing to small children and he is survey so jobs shore side don't come up that often and those that do don't offer as good pay and he would still only be homes weekend and the travel would cost. It's navy bull as i am sure you well no and i think i have just had enough.

3 Christmases in a row is remarkably crap, even by military standards. Has he been trickle posted a lot? And if so, is it likely to continue?

The primary years can be really hard - disruptions from frequent house moves become much harder, and the children do notice the absence of a parent much more.

But they are survivable. You've done brilliantly to come this far.

And it's hell that the times when you're feeling the pressure most are exactly the times when they can't be reached, or if they can it's mid-tour and just can't be raised.

But you do need to have this conversation. He needs to be told what a toll it is taking, and between you you need to workout what the options are. What he might be doing next if he stays in will matter - any prospect of a while in one place? Can you picture any acceptable scenarios for family life with him still in? And is he in a trade where brown envelopes are looming - might this be an opportunity?

the pay stays the same. you dont leave the navy, they just find you something so you are in england for 2 years and not sent away on a ship. but you are right, it is very costly. we are discussing dp not coming home every weekend cos of the £400 petrol costs! its a nightmare.
im sorry you feel so bad, perhaps if he knew he might be inclined to leave. or if you could negoiate a year for him to leave that might help you to focus on getting there and making plans for afterwards. they have to give a yrs notice, so there is plenty of time for him to job hunt. sometimes you just have to jump.

Just wanted to pop my head round and let you know I know it's hard. So hard.

My OH isn't in the forces now - he used to be before I met him. We were together 2 years before he got a job a few thousand miles away when DS1 was 5m old. That was 4.5 years ago and we only see him for annual holiday - 5weeks per year. I have DS2 and a DS3 in 8 weeks time. Family don't live nearby at all. He's constantly travelling with work from country to country so we don't skype or anything - just a couple of phonecalls a week. His job is increasingly dangerous but there's no support network for me. Boys miss him.

It's like being a single parent but with a regular income. I am jealous of people's family time. When he's visiting, the world stops and we do lovely stuff but then he goes back and I am shattered.

Not sure there is a practical solution for you - or indeed if that's what you want. Just to say that I feel similar. I can't see things changing in the next few years either x

When i say pay i mean loss of sea pay and the other pay bonuses we get, and it is time either he jumps or i do, i love him but i love my kids and i don't want him to leave at full pension and wanting a family life and my 16 yo dd turning round telling him to sod off because he has never been there for us, thats what is haunting me. I need him to leave now because i can see it falling apart and i want him to know me and see his kids every evening and see there triumphs and support them through failures not be hearing it though e-mail or a garbled phone calls, he is loosing so much precious time and i just want him to be brave, close his ears and go. He in my opinion will never hear anything positive about leaving the navy from the navy because they want to keep him working not train someone new, but he has a strong work ethic and his family fell apart so work over family has been his life but it must change because i love my children and i want him to know them like i do.

captainbarnacle i am so sorry, this sounds like us, the single parent bit is so true and the time off is amazing but the week they go back is like someone has ripped out your families soul, All my best wished to you.

ah, i see what you mean. again im not totally clued up but im sure dp said hes on the same more or less cos you get different bonuses/ take home pay. but i know that is not really the issue here. it sounds to me that your dh loves the navy and actually doesnt want to leave. im slightly different in that my dp likes his job but hates the being away from home. he has said before that if the base (portsmouth) was in the nw he would never leave. he hates pompey.
i too feel like a single mum in a relationship. i use to joke with him that its like being single without the benefits!!!!!
you sound at snapping point and although he may want to stay in for the full 22 years it is not just his life. othrs are affected. i think you are well within your rights to expect to be put first after he has had it his way for 12 yrs. i can understand you dont want to leave him but is the alternative any better?

I just want to thank everyone i just needed to explode safely. I just can't believe we are expected to do this. Every women who does this is amazing and we have a right to breakdown and need help sometimes. So thank you for your help and support.

thank you sassy34264 yes single but no benefits, i just want to have that fairytale husband leaves work at 7 and is back at 5, if it exists weekends off and good pay and holidays and happy children who have a dad when they need one and lots of support and cosy nights on the sofa and parents meetings together and discussions about things round the kitchen table. I need that now, because the other is too sad and heartbreaking and tiring for me to continue.

hello, I also am forces partner & an ex partner. XH is still in after 8 years, and DP is in currently away. It's shite yes, we're army, and I have to say (DP's job means he's with the navy a lot though) and I honestly do take my hat off to you navy wives, you have it a lot harder in a lot of ways that the army do especially for contact & stuff. Where DP is currently he's got to wait an hour & half for the phone, plus then he sounds miserable surrounded by a load of blokes also waiting, the welfare comms are completely down so no emails either. :( honestly I don't know how you do it, especially the 9 month's at sea tours.

anyhow, I wouldn't give him an ultimatum if he's anything like DP he wouldn't leave his job, he'd bend over backwards more to make it all work to keep everyone happy.

All I can advise is when we lived on the pads it was a lot lot easier, there was an excellent support network, close friends for a bottle of wine or indeed to offload the kids onto for an hour, coffee mornings always something going on. now we're off the pads and I actually find myself asking DP when we can move back to them for the support.

you're allowed a wobble, it's tough for the boys going away cos at least we get to function & carry on with the kids etc while all they get to do is sit & ponder/think. doesn't mean we don't have to damn well stamp our feet scream it's not fair and want to have the normal family life thou.

oh sweetheart. you really need to talk to him- if you havent already. like i said im nw, if you want to keep in touch or even meet up on a playdate for the kids you can PM me. hope you get your fairy tale. x

My husband works away not in the army but he's away a lot and it is hard but I think you need to consider the grass isn't always greener. I know so many couples who split after he's come home from the army/navy its not funny. If he's at home and unemployed would that be more stressful ?