Don't know what to do anymore.....

[Jammy30]

My last thread was Is my huisband cheating on me???
I was going to ask him to leave or leave myself.....things didnt work out the way I wanted them to!
A few days after my last msg....my husband found out that I had discussed the issue of finding a condom in his jacket pocket!
this is how iyt started....he said to me that he was taking the kids to the park...which was fine as I had house work to do.
He left with the kids and i did the chores and then settled down to watch tv.
My best friend called to see how I was....the next thing that happened was that i got a call from my daughter asking who i was talking to one the phone...a few seconds later my friend got a missed call from my daughters mobile. Didint think much of it.....then my daughter called again to tell my that her father/my husband was at my friends house....and thought what the hell is going on?!
So I called him....he wouldnt answer....then i texted him...and said that he better get out of there immediatly and not do anything stupid. He calls me and says "yeah just you wait till i come....i tell u".
So anyway he had heard what i had been talking to my friend about on the phone.....and he was really angry that I had shared this with her...he had approached my friends father saying he needed to discuss things with him and then had gone to her house knowing that she was out but kept on pressing the buzzer......her husband was sleeping from a night shift...
I couldn't figure out how he could have heard what i was talking about....but he knew...word for word.
I started to suspect that my friend had told him.....i kept on asking how he knew...and he kept saying "i'll let both you and your friend figure that out"
Now he had only heard what I had said but not what she was had said! Which led me to think that the only way he could have done that was by leaving his other mobile phone on in the house and then calling that phoone from his other mobile phone....
He came home started to argue.....and blaming my friend for the problems in our marriage.....then he called her and said horrible things......that I was disobedient,disrespectful,didnt cook for him....im foul mouthed etc....and she was to blame for it!
She came by a while laterr to see what it was all about.....and he started off....that he provides for me....he paid my £7000 dept off for me.....and i treat him like crap...and then started of about the condom.....he was aggressive and in her face the whole time.....she had to tell him to back off and calm down on a few occassions......but during this whole time...he just kept on pointing out what he had done for me....and was lying to her....all the things he had said to me......he was either denying them or avoiding them.
I got so upset that I called my brother to book me tickets so i could get away.....couldnt take kids with me because of school...so i only took my youngest one. before leaving i made it clear that he had to change.....make changes....and that this is make or break now.....last try!
i came back after 3 1/2 weeks and all the bitterness and negativity has started again.....im not allowed to see my friends....talk to them on the phone...not really allowed to go to the school to pik kids up as ill see my friends there.....it was sports day last friday.....my friend came with her husband.....our husbands started to talk...and so we moved further away....hadnt seen her in 5 weeks so it was nice to catch up.....so anyway my husband had started to say to my friends husband that he has told me , that I dont need friends...coz they are a bad influence on me....they lead me astray....my freinds husband didnt really understand why he was saying these things....anyway i didnt say that i knew what he had been saying....so on the way home he was telling something completly different?!
Im in a shit hoe again.....dont know what to do......he has driven my friends away from me and it makes me so sad.
I have told him this....and all i keep getting is that I am choosing my friends over him.....
I got the Lundy Bancroft book before i left and read it while I was away.....and it was really helpful.....helped me understand what is going on in his mind......and what it is that he really wants!
Just dont know how to get out of this rut.....i would ideally want to go to denmark where i have my mother and brothers......kids passports are expired and he wont give them up.....i managed to get the little ones and mine....but i think he is keeping them and didnt hand them over last time coz he knew the kids where his insurance to getting me back.....he is the one destroying everything...not my friends or family. He wants me in the house.....not meet anyone....coz they are evil n bad.....
I said to him at one point coz he got so upset over that my friend had called me 3 days after i came back to see how I was.....and i said fine i finish off all and any contact with everyone i know....ill stay in these four walls...
then he turns around and says "well now you doing that on purpose....you are making me feel guilty now"......what they hell does he WANT OF ME? I cannot win!!!
its like he wants me to share the same ideals he has...his thoughts.....the world is bad.....we dont need anyone....kids dont need anyone.....he is messing with my head again....and i try so hard not to think about him.....to keep him out of my head.....but he keeps getting in there.
What do I do?

Wow! That's a lot to take in let alone been in that situation...
I don't know if I will be of any help?
Sounds to me like you have made up your mind?
Secondly the smoke screen that your husband went out of his way to put up
a) did you get to the bottom of the condom?
b) did you get to the bottom of why your friend took all that s**t off of him and was there not a partner who could have come round and put him back in his place?
I mean one thing to talk to you the way he does but your friend?
What the hell was that all about?

Ok back to the main points:
You are in an abusive relationship where he is controlling you and using emotional and mental abuse, which I believe to be the worse because you can never prove to the "ousiders" as it's hard to explain to people how words, facial expressions even a sigh can be his way of controlling the situation....

You want to go home to you Mother? So why do you not access to your childrens passports? Why can you not get them new ones?
I am trying to work out if you have no funds of your own either?
Could your Mother come here for a visit, to be able to talk things through with her and see the grandchildren of course?
Do you want to leave him and take all the children?
Do you have somewhere to go if you did?
Do you have access to funds?
Have you contacted any organisations at all for advice on what happens when/if you are to leave?
Has he always been like this?
When you went away before for 3 1/2 weeks how did you feel while you were away? What was he like to you ? what was the contact like with the 2DC you left behind?
I believe you want out of the marriage? I believe you want to take the children and to start again? So if that is the decision you have made then just to take the first step by leaving is what you should concentrate on.
Can you afford a solicitor?
It sounds to me hun like, it is stay with him and you stand to lose your very being, your very soul..for I believe that he will slowly turn you round the bend and you will soon become a shell of nothingness just a shell???? :( :(
At the end of the day only you can make this decision, because only you know who you are with?
Do it for you though hun, don't be guilted into staying for the sake of the kids, or their schools.He wont change and waiting for more years to be wasted will only drain you :(
I wish you all the very best and wish you good luck in this difficult time :)

@Hunterswish...
I cannot get access to the kids documents as he has them...he wont give me them. mum was here a few months ago....
I have no funds available.....I felt "free" when i was away...
I would take all the children with me! I know deep down i am in an abusive relationship.....i know deep down this is not right....and i dont want too live like this....dont want to live with him anymore. Just want to be free of him!
He keeps getting into my head....he twists things around....everything I say...he manipulates it...and i just sit there thinking i cannot get through to him....i cannot win in any case. I am so tired of all this....its draining my energy....mentally and physically....

so whenever a friend tells me about relationship problems I always ask the same question.
Can you imagine life without him?
Whatever is your first answer, that is the path you should take.
It will not be easy either way, yet you can do it I am sure :)
In order to be "free" you need to either leave or seek legal advice on where you stand?
Thats why I asked if you had spoken to any other organisation?
My partner when we were together first time around was like that..it sends you totally crazy and bottom line I shouldn't have given him that power, but I loved him and I didn't want to lose him and I couldn't handle the fact that it was always my fault???
We had a 4 yr break and in that time I rebuilt my life and that of my childrens, yet there was always a piece of me that missed him, that and the fact that his DC missed him so much too. My point is I was in that very relationship and it nearly killed me :(
So to to know that I am back with that very same person, you might ask why?
He is not that same bloke, he can't twist things anymore. More importantly he can't break me!!! He did that before and I rebuilt myself, he destroyed everything within me and I had to get to know me again and work out what I did and didn't like about me.
I know this time is different because I am !
I don't stand for his crap anymore and he has no control over me.
I am with him now because it is what I want and I don't want to be with anyone else.
I am letting you know that I have some understanding :)
You have reached that point, so is there anyway your family can help you get away?
Be prepared for him to blame you , tell everyone your mad and make your life a living hell, he will give up though.
Think things through
Good luck xx

@Hunterswish
I did seek advice from the police a while ago....mum was here,which was a good thing as she was a witness to what was going on.
I was told to get in touch if I had any problems....but not any other organisations...no.
I feel better....able to breathe a little more when he is not around...i would feel very guilty for my dc if i did leave him....but I dont know how much longer i'll be able to endure....
I wish that I would just die,sometimes...i try to talk with him but he just twists it and bends the whole things.....i feel so frustrated that he doesnt understand me.....
The day before I was leaving....he approached my friend....saying to her that he was thinking of just saying to me that the condom he found belongs to his friends....this is what he came up with after 4 weeks of no communication....sleeping in seperate rooms?! Why not say it when I asked you?
Then when I left....he told me over the phone that he had a dream from God (he's very religious) that the condom was from certain number of years ago and he had just kept it safe!
Bullshit!!! I said I really didnt want to talk about it and that i was going to let it go.....
I feel so crap......I am no longer able to confide in my friends coz i am affraid of what he will do.....so i keep my distance so that they dont have to deal with his behaviour....

My friend came for me that day.....because I was so upset that i couldnt catch my breath....I dont think anyone could put him in his place...

Jammy30 that is no way to live. You say your husband is very religious, may I ask which religion? Maybe his religious leader could talk to him. Whatever his religion, I'm sure it wouldn't countenance him behaving this way. Are there any support groups listed in the book you read?

Oh Jammy this sounds a horrendous situation for you, you must be very strong to have kept going as long as you have.

What do you actually want to happen now? Where would you like to be in say 1 year's time?

@cheapskatemum
Muslim.....i doubtit very much...he the perfect man in the outside world....so i never bothered to talk to any leaders

pickgo.....at this very moment i want to be far away from him...i wish i could start a fresh new life...

Are you sure? That's absolutely what you want?

Right then, that's what you've got to work on.

First are you in UK or abroad? Would you want to move back to UK, or Denmark where family are... is that right?

There must be some groups out there? If DH can be this way with you then he can be the same to Dc when they are older? Lets face it who needs that pressure?
Would your family be supportive if you left of would you encounter more stress and pressure from them?
You are taking the first steps by reaching out on here :)
Now you need to focus on getting you and DC out of this situation, easier said than done I know but the leaving part is down to you. Are you in any immediate danger? In light of all the horrendous crimes against women and their children in the news at the moment do you you fear for your safety? I mean you were able to leave before is that because you did not take all the DC?
It is very easy for us to tell you what you should do, at the end of the day you are the one who has to "live" that advice.......
Keep strong and keep talking
Take care

@pickgo....i think so....i mean, im at peace when he's not home...I felt free when I was away for a short period...his presence just agitates me, i feel this knot in my stomach when he's present, I dont like him sitting next to me...or even touching me for that matter....so it all points to one thing then doesnt it? Im in the UK....I think it would be best and safer that I moved to Denmark where I have family.

@Hunterswish...offcourse there are groups....to be honest I dont know why I haven't been in touch with them.....I start to feel guilty....I know I did after the police had been up to the house the last time round....I start to think to myself that maybe it is all me....he is right.....he's trying to protect me and imthe one who's wrong.
I doubt myself constantly....and I am fed up with it to be honest.
I have not been able to leave the house in the past....whenever I tried he'd lock all the doors in the house, hide the keys and would block/stall me in my bedroom.....i told the police that and was advised that he was not allowed to do that as it was a form of kidnapping and he could get arrested.
He has been very violent in the past.....first time during my first pregnancy and I was 7 mths gone....then one time in the car in the early hours of the morning,because he thought I was having an affair with my boss! Hasn't been for a good few years now....its been verbal/insults/swearing etc....now what he does is that when I retaliate...he starts crying, says that its his fault because he loves me so much, he just wants to protect me from people coz they dont deserve me as a friend.....basically makes me feel like I am the one who's doing it all wrong....im the one who is unfair...so I dont even know if im in any danger.....

I spoke to my brothers about it.....they would support me 110%.....they said it would be best to come and live in Denmark as they could protect me if he were to do anything (i've grew up there)....and that he could come and see the kids for a whenever he would wish to do so.....and if after a year or two things were to go well, then kids could go and see him to.....

So you can get copies of birth certs, get sent to a friend? You are the mother, you can apply for passports? Although I know it is a lot of money to pay out? Could your family help you with the costs?
The next stage is to see if you can get legal advice? You need to know that by leaving him, you are not breaking any rules yourself, leaving the country etc:
You know he can be violent, a man hitting you when pregnant, shows he never respected you or the child you were carrying. A womans refuge could help?
Only you can take the steps hun ? :)
And try the groups :)
Wish you all the best , stay strong
Take care

Yes I suppose I could get copies of the birth certificates....yes family would help out towards the costs.....thanks hun