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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Madly in love or what?

15 replies

fizzfiend · 13/06/2011 17:11

After years of being ignored by DH I had an affair. I know it was wrong and I didn't plan it but I was certainly vulnerable (DH and I now divorced which was the right thing to do). I fell madly in love and knew the relationship wouldn't end in marriage or anything but I loved our time together. We still see each other sometimes (3 years later) and I still get excited to see him and sex is amazing for both of us. He loves hanging out with me, but is much more relaxed about the whole thing (read: he's just not that into me!)

However, I really would like to have a real relationship but the problem is that nobody makes me feel like he does. I've been out with other men, gorgeous, clever, interesting guys but there is never even a tiny spark. OM has been described as "no oil painting" and he's also a player, but he is interesting and funny and of course the chemistry helps. We understand each other and he's quite a softie sometimes. My question is: do you think I fell head over heels because I hadn't experienced any love or affection for such a long time or is this a simple matter of being in love?

I am really struggling with this question because I am worrying that I will never find such a strong connection with anyone ever again and spend me life hankering after someone I can't have. We've been very low key for over a year now, but I still think about him every day even though I try not to by keeping busy and telling myself it would only end in tears anyway. Help!

OP posts:
fizzfiend · 13/06/2011 17:37

Bumping...I am aware this sounds trivial but it is seriously messing with my head....thx!

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SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 13/06/2011 17:38

I read what you have written as the reason you dont feel the spark with the other men you have been out with is because you are still hung up on this one you cant have. You arent giving yourself a chance. If you want a relationship, stop seeing him. Or keep seeing him occasionally and letting him use you and stop seeing other people.

That sounds harsher than I intended it to, but I cant think of any other way to put it. While you certainly need chemistry with a new man, I think you are subconciously comparing them all to him and they will all come up short as you are so hung up on him.

KatieScarlett2833 · 13/06/2011 17:39

Is it possible that you are not open to a new relationship due to mad hankering after Mr Not-that-into-you?

KatieScarlett2833 · 13/06/2011 17:40

Ha ha Squirted, said much better than me!

fizzfiend · 13/06/2011 17:57

Thanks for answering...and I think I need harsh....I know you're both right. Thing is Squirted that it doesn't feel like him using me as I get as much out of it too...and the great sex thing is hard to give up...especially after years of deprivation...

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KatieScarlett2833 · 13/06/2011 18:05

He gets : Great, hot, uncommitted sex from she who adores and makes no demands.

You get : Great sex and a constant wish that he would love you back making yourself totally unavailable to any man who is interested.

fizzfiend · 13/06/2011 18:24

I hate you all...you talk such sense - I wish my friends could be so blunt as I could have done with this a long time ago. I've been such a pathetic wuss and it's just not in my character - I'm normally an ice queen who needs a lot of persuading. I know he's not good for my self-esteem though. Going to give it a try...please tell me I'll feel better for it. This is going to hurt. You think not seeing him will get me over him? I'm not sure. I hate being so stupid over a man but I can't help it. Any advice on stuff to read when my resolve falters?

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SingOut · 13/06/2011 18:31

Errm, this is the 2nd time today I've plugged this site on MN Blush. But they're not paying me, I promise. I'm just in the process of disentangling from a soul-destroying dead end relationship, and have found it balm to the soul. Link here. If you read really widely around the site it's so so helpful. There is also a free newsletter for if you're going No Contact (NC) with someone, and they send you motivational pep talks every couple of days for three months. Magic.

TheOriginalFAB · 13/06/2011 18:40

I understand as I don't think I gave any one a proper chance and/or threw myself in to deep to try and get over some one else. I only properly fell in love with my now husband once I thought my ex was married.

TheOriginalFAB · 13/06/2011 18:41

My advice would be to give this hot lover a chance -just one- to have a proper relationship with you and if he decides not to them spend some time alone, figure out what you want in life and start living it.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 13/06/2011 19:01

Does Mr Hot Lover know your depth of feeling and that you would like a relationship? If so, then I think he is being cruel and using you. If not, then you could explain to him (you'd be braver than me!) and give it a chance. Either way then you know where you stand.

It will be hard to get over if you still think of him every day after a year, but it sounds like you need your life back. He helped you out of and over an unhappy marriage, but now you need to think of you and your future.

Will you still want the casual, occasional, great sex but only that, when you are 45, 50, etc?

fizzfiend · 13/06/2011 19:29

Hell he knows...I'd forgotten all the rules and it was like taking candy from a baby.

I'm going to give it a try....but not before I clarify one thing..."using" someone sounds so callous. But I know he is fond of me - we talk and laugh a lot. Is that still crap? I am so clueless after being married for so long...ps am in my 40s!

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SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 13/06/2011 19:45

Oh I'm sorry if ive offended you, by using that term. But I do think it's an accurate description of what he is doing. You can talk and laugh a lot, hang on his every word no doubt, and will fall willingly into bed whenever it suits. He knows you are in love with him, completely infatuated, and I don't know what that is, if it's not taking advantage.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear, I don't want to upset you.

fizzfiend · 13/06/2011 20:51

I just want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for answering what felt like a crappy self-indulgent question...I feel like I have had an epiphany. I'm almost blushing at how naive I have been. I feel sick...I can't believe I have been in denial for all this time, making excuses for him.

And Singout...that link has had me glued to the spot. I am going to print that out for my daughter for when she is old enough - it is simply brilliant. Where the hell did I leave my dignity for god's sake? I am never going to see him again...and I was wondering why I was unhappy. Honestly, this issue has driven me to the brink and I really mean that...pathetic as that sounds. Thank you thank you...God I love this site...I feel like a new person already. Sounds a bit Oprah doesn't it, but I needed this...I might just go and jump on the sofa a la Tom Cruise.

Okay, enough of being a bloody wimp...watch this space...

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wileycoyote · 13/06/2011 23:18

Good luck fizzfriend - I am in pretty much the same boat. It feels like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't - it's just the nature of the damnedness that will differ..

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