I'm so unhappy

[IDrinkFromTheirSkulls]

I feel like a terrible motherfor even saying this because I love my son with all my heart and soul but I feel like all I am is his mum. He's the only person I matter to and he's the only person that tries to comfort me when I cry.

I love dh but hate his job because it comes before me all the time which I know is unreasonable of me but when I've been at home all day looking forward to him coming home only for him to tell me he has to cover someone else and won't be home until after midnight i feel like crying.

I have no friends aside from dh and I really can't make friends easily. I can't go out as I can't drive and I can't afford to go out anyway so even if I got the bus somewhere I still haven't got any money to do anything.

My mum currently hates me which is actually easier than when she likes me. I feel like I have noone to care about me but all I do is worry about everyone else.

Dh is sick of me for constantly shouting at him but I never get a break and when he's home he won't do anything unless I ask him to. He always wants to do stuff like work on his car or so the garden which upsets me because I still end up in my own looking after ds. Even if I could get someone to look after ds for the day I have nowhere to go.

Dh has just called me lazy because I have no hobbies whereas he has load but there's nothing I like doing anymore, I'm just stuck.

I look forward to going back to work in a couple of months but at the same time i don't want to leave ds and i know i will wish i was back home. I don't know what I want or who I am anymore and Im just feeling sorry for myself.

Hi, sorry you're feeling so down. How old is your DS? I too felt very alone when my DS was first born (is now 4) and worried about going to back to work and almost didn't, but I have to say it was the best (for both myself and DS, who attended nursery). Having that other space for myself made me a lot nicer person to be around and gav eme something else to focus on and not feel like just somebodies mummy or wife. I then felt that my time at home with DS was far more enjoyable (I too didn't and still don't have many friends or family to do things with).
Hopefully your relationship with your DH will also improve too.
(I too have posted several threads on here of desperation! Please have some comfort that you're not the only one who feels like this!)

You may be suffering from depression. I'd get your GP to check that for you first.
Hope you feel better soon.

It sounds like you're having a really hard time. Could you be depressed? It sounds like you might have PND and it might be worth going to the gp or the health visitor for a chat. In the meantime your DH needs to step up and give you a break. Does he do any night time feeds? It might help a bit if you even ask him to look after your son for an hour on Saturday while you go for a walk and get some headspace.