How do I talk to DH about getting counselling ?

[Northumberlandlass]

Ladies,
I'm not sure if you can help / advise on this. My DH (together 15 years, married 9 and have DS nearly 8) have been plodding on now for a few years.

I can't remember the last time he said he loved me or when I said it to him. We don't communicate, we don't have fun, we rarely have sex.

We parent separately. For example yesterday, I got up with DS early, I woke DH at 8.45am to say I was going for a run, when I got home DS was bored so I took him swimming (DH not interested), we went to my parents for lunch, DH took DS to play cricket for an hour then came home. DH went to read his book (3 hours) and DS and I just read / watched TV etc. Then I bathed DS put him to bed.

Everyday is like this, DH works shifts so weekends aren't always family time & to be honest I've found myself just taking over. But DH doesn't object.

DH has an awful temper, really bad. We don't argue because I am scared he will fly off the handle. Its not noticable in everyday life, because I avoid anything confrontational.....I protect DS from it.

The last time it happened was last November and poor DS listened to DH shouting / screaming at me. He was petrified . I ended up sleeping in his bottom bunk because he couldn't sleep.

I don't know how to approach this. I don't know how to tell him that I think we need help, that if we don't get it our relationship won't last. I'm not even sure he would come to counselling.

So basically you live separate lives apart from the fact you walk on egg-shells around you dh to avoid his anger? You're scared of him and his verbal abuse & intimidation of you is bad enough to frighten your ds?

I think you might be best going to some counselling sessions alone to begin with, to help you see your way.

Walking on eggshells is also to me another way of saying living in fear.

You cannot fully protect your DS from the harsh realities of your H here. Your son heard the shouting in November and you ended up sleeping in his bottom bunk because he could not sleep.

Joint counselling here is a no-no due to the ongoing abuse meted out by him. Sole counselling for you would be helpful. I would be contacting Womens Aid in your particular circumstances as they can help you.

Do not let your son think that this is normally how people conduct themselves in relationships because they clearly do not act like this. You need to think very carefully about what you and your H are teaching your son here. Two words suffice currently - damaging lessons.

Thank you. Because his out bursts aren't regular, I've never viewed it that way or even considered using the word 'abuse'.

I am afraid Attila that DS will think this is how you treat people, I've never been one for confrontations of any kind.

Another thing which bothers me is, DH has a lot of brothers, all of whom are divorced & have poor relationships with their kids. They work & drink, as did their Dad who died an alcoholic at the age of 61. DH would become like them given half a chance. I couldn't bear to see DS suffering because of that.

I'm probably coming across as quite a weak minded person, I am not. I've just lived with this for so long - I can't see a way to stop it.

I will look into getting some counselling for myself first. That sounds like a good first step.

Thanks again

"I am afraid Attila that DS will think this is how you treat people, I've never been one for confrontations of any kind".

Would he treat people like this at work or is this a domestic behaviour only?

You don't come across as weak, by any means. It's just that this has slowly become your normality, but it's not normal. It's easy to see from the outside, but when you're in it, it's a very different matter.

Chris, this is much his usual behaviour. We aren't being treat any different to anyone else. He works in a factory, with all male colleagues, I know he gets frustrated at work too, but he seems to try & control his temper there.

Buzz, I can see that this isn't normal. I really need to do something about it. I think I will try & talk to him, see what happens. I've already made some calls about getting counselling.

Thanks

Counselling for your own self is a good first step.

Talking to him won't unfortunately make any difference in the long run because at heart he thinks he is doing nothing wrong. His own dysfunctional family background paved the way for how he is now.

You can only help you and by turn your son. You cannot help anyone who does not ultimately want to be helped.

Let us know how you get on.

Thanks Attila, his dysfunctional family could be thread on it's own.

I tried to talk to him last night, I asked if he would come to Relate with me, he said "what the fuck for?". He didn't get angry, just silent.

He has slept on the sofa, is not talking to me at all, won't answer his phone or texts.

I've made an appointment for Relate on Fri.

I just don't know what to do.

You are doing exactly the right thing by going to Relate on your own - see where that takes you. And remember if you don't click with the counsellor, you can ask to see someone else. I found them to be very good - but am aware that not everyone has had a great experience with them.

definitely talk to counsellor on your own.

also have a read of lundy bancroft why does he do that
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

do you se e other couples/fami.ies sometimes? look at how they are together, how they do things as a family etc.... is so easy to get stuck and not relaise that your way is not good, not normal.

you consider divorced etc to be worse than what you are doing now?
think about it - what relationship does DS ahve with dad now that could not continue even if you got divorced. you doing things separately anyway.
why should you walk on eggshells and suffer in silence - if you were divorced dad could continue to do stuff on his own with DS -

for DS nothing would change there

but he would have a happier calmer home life and a secure confident mum....

you do ahve a coice here - talk ove r the options with counsellor

you cannto change your H - only he can change if he wants to

Thanks to you both for replying. I know you are right. I'm just in such a mess. It is such a scary place to be x

Cestlavielife - I watch other families all the time and wonder where we went wrong. I wanted a secure home for DS and I haven't done that.

I worry if we did divorce what kind of relationship DS would have with his dad, I know he would start drinking too much. That is what he used to do at the first sign of crisis. He can be a cruel man & I would do anything to protect DS from that
X

staying with this man wont protect DS. best his contact is restricted so you both have freedom from a cruel man.

you are not responsible for this man's behaviour either in or out of your relationship. you cant not do something because of what his reaction might be.

something i still have to say to myself every day.... i have been in that position saying to family therapist "but if i do xx he will get so angry and might do yyyy" and she would say: what he decides to do is his responsibility. yours is to make sure you and dc are safe.

and actually there are consequences to his actions eg if he gets violent etc. if he drinks himself to stupor - well he will suffer from that even liver disease, death etc. yes DS might suffer but it will be the dad's choice and DS will yes have to learn that lesson. but you cannot protect DS from that tho you can be there to support him . you also have to protect yourself and not be ground down any more.

eg my exP refused to see our DS as prearranged last week (supervised contact for number of reaons) - "because of the court case" ie he was so cross i took him to court to sort out financial separation and so distressed by it -that he refused to see his son or get himself together for even one hour to see his son. DS is autistic and v upset at his planned meet being cancelled.

but I am not repsonsible for that. ex is.

yes if you split - he will likely make things difficult - but you will also be in a position to have the freedom to run your and DS's life as you wish.

Cestlavielife, thank you for sharing your story with me. You sound so brave. I need to talk to Relate on Fri and I'm looking forward to it actually. Need to release.

I am sorry your ex is so difficult x

some of it is his personality (controllling) some is his Mental health problems - but he refuses to seek help eg sees GP but doesnt attend appointments with psychiatrist, refuses to see therapist etc . hey ho .