Nasty, Aggresive Over-REaction from DP

[CoffeeBeany]

The kids always have something for after their tea. We call it "afters" which I'm sure is common in other families. Sometimes it's a bit of icecream, cake or yogurt but yesterday I remembered I had a huge bag of monster munchines that needed using up and the kids love them so I spoke to DP in the kitchen and said "the kids can have a packet of monster munchies each for afters. He said "crisps for after tea? no they can have yogurt" So I was like "err, I'm allowed a say in this remember!? they can have yogurt or crisps" so he said "They can have a yogurt".

So at this point one of the children finishes their tea and comes in the ask what's for afters. DP jumps in with "yogurt" so I add "or there's some monster munchies in the cupboard if you fancy a pack of them".

Well DP literally threw the tea-towel he was holding on the side and shouted "HOW FUCKING PATHETIC! YOU HAVE TO GO AGAINST ME ON EVERYTHING DON'T YOU? ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE YOUR OWN FUCKING WAY! DON'T YOU??" this was in front of DS who is 12 and who simply raised an eyebrow and muttered "woah chill out, it's only crisps!".

I told DS to take the crisps up to his room and I left the kitchen to get away from nut-job but he followed me and carried on screaming and shouting at me.

He later admitted he over-reacted but as usual, never apologised. I wasn't in the wrong to insist on having a say in what my own kids eat, right?

Ok what happened is I got sick to death of having to "agree" with him constantly and allowing him to rule the house and make all the decisions and treating me like one of the kids that has no say in what happens. He decides the kid's bedtimes, he decides what we buy from the shop, he decides what goes in the kid's packed lunches (lots of cheap, unhealthy stuff so he can't play the healthcard with me as regards the crisps!!) he decides what games/dvds they can buy, he decides whether or not I give them a lift to school, he decides what we have for tea EVERY night - and this one day I was pissed off with constantly being bossed around I said about the crisps specifically because I knew full well he'd disagree with me and I wanted an excuse to exert a bit of control over him.

I started it on purpose and his reaction confirmed what a controlling person he has become (or perhaps, always was).

Ah. OK. So your crisps comment was provocative. To provoke a reaction. To prove your point.

Point is, you had preceded it with your internal monologue- your justification. You had 'I will overrule on the crisps because that is what he would do to me. I always put up and shut up.. Let's see what he does....'

He is not privvy to your internal monlogue. So he heard - 'Sod your yoghurt. Eat my crisps.'

You need to tell him what you just told us.

Coffee

This was never about afters; this was also about you trying to reassert your authority.

Why are you with someone who so controlling of your lives?. He's micro managing you all.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Unfortunately as well Coffee you have allowed him to take control like this.
His controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

OK, so now we get to it. Starting this as a crisps thread then was a bit disingenuous as it clearly isn't about just that at all. The question is now - as Attila says - what are you going to do about it? This can't go on.

Personally I think it sounds like showdown time and then counselling or bust. It may be fixable if you really want it to be - but do you want it to be or are you really fed up and want out? Be honest with yourself.

This is one of those really difficult threads. We hear your initial side of the story where basically you've acted unreasonably, but then you tell us he's terribly controlling and he makes all the decisions. He also thinks you're controlling and make all the decisions. At least one of you is wrong. Are you controlling and don't recognise it?