Intimate after affair

[Wiggy29]

Many moons ago my partner had a brief affair. Although I don't think it's ok, looking back, I can see why it happened. Fast forward a few years and we've decided to try again. We'd been spending more time together for the benefit of our son and old chemistry returned.

Since it happened he's been incredibly sorry and really understanding of how I'm feeling. Although everything is going amazing, after nearly 6 months, there just isn't a huge spark in the bedroom.

My son doesn't know yet that we;re trying again as I didn't want to get his hopes up but I'm aware it's getting to the point where we need to decide if this is it and tell him. Don't get me wrong, it's not awful. I spoke to one friend and she said I should be grateful as I'm really happy in every other area of our relationship and there'll always be something you need to work on.

I guess I'm unsure whether it's that we're not sexually compatible or because I still have issues about him sleeping with someone else (even though it was a long time ago). The sex was fine in the past but after we seperated I was with someone where the sex was mind-blowing (but turned out to be a very horrible person) and perhaps I'm just comparing it to that. All thoughts welcome.x

Hi :)
I don't know if I will be of any help? There are 2 different angles on this I think.
The first is as I know when you go back like I have, it is never really the same :(
Yes you have the history, the child, the familiarity and comfort I guess? yet that insecurity never really leaves I think? There is a chunk of "us" that is lost, because of time lost while apart and also because of time lost with other people?
In one way though you have all the reasons to give it another go?
The bedroom department, well hun how would you feel about showing your partner your new "likes?" tell him you have been reading up on things?
You need to be sure that you have that "click" after all we have our babies for such a short while and it is the rest of your lives you are planning to be together for, so yeah you guys need to be solid. no point trying for the sake of the child if the moment your child grows up you guys split again?
You both had new partners for a reason, yeah you said yours turned out to be a horrible man, however you still was able to move on?Or did you do it to pay back your partner? You know what you have to lose this time and you know how you coped without him before and you know how you feel now he is back?
Only you know if this is the man you want to be with?
Good luck
All the best

Thank you Hunterswish, you sound like you are talking from experience. We do really get on- he was always like my best friend (with benefits!) I could really imagine growing old with him. It's just that I'm also still (reasonably) young and I don't want to just accept something hum-drum in that department. I think you're right, I need to give it a good 'shot'first. I think I've been holding back a bit as, well, probably just because of the past. I have spoke to him (but that's made it even more awkward) but he's really understanding and willing to give it time.

Maybe the sexual attraction is gone.

I disagree with your friend: I think it should be the whole package, especially if it's a retread. Don't settle back into an unsatisfactory relationship.

Sex can be a massive issue. Sex as 'fine' versus 'mindblowing' or even 'good'?

No, maybe it can be worked on, but if you're not feeling excited about going to bed with him, it's just going to turn sour, imo. Indifference can easily turn into disgust.

You might be better off trying to have a very amicable separation & move on with your lives apart.

Buzzsore, you raise some valid points. I think I need to give it a bit more time (and effort), if we decide to leave things then I want to be 100% sure and not look back and wonder 'what if?' I was 95% sure it would work if we give it another shot, if in another couple of months I still feel the same I think it'll be time admit defeat. Thanks for the advice.