Marriage in trouble

[pipkinsparky]

We have been married for twenty years. My husband has decided he wants a divorce because he 'can't cope' with my temper . I have, admittedly, said spiteful things on occasion but honestly no more than that. I have been frustrated at a lack of sex life (4 times in 10 years), which he will not explain, and no help around the house.

We have two teenagers and husband has worked away from home during the week for nine years, and for 6 and 10 months as well. I have a demanding job, requiring me to do work at home in the evenings and weekends and have found it hard to cope with everything and the lack of help.
Anyway, when this blew up, I instantly went to see an anger management counsellor and have been truly calm, undemanding and totally pleasant ever since. I get on with the household stuff calmly, never ask for help and never criticise. I vet everything I say before speaking and yet he is still really cold with me. He will not talk about things but swears he isn't having an affair.

The point is, do I keep on hoping (for how long?) or cut my losses? Until two months ago we really used to laugh together so this has been like a bolt from the blue. He does drink quite heavily. Would this change his personality and account for the behaviour?

I do not think he would lie. He is a very moral person but I just don't know. The point is, I feel like an awful person for making him feel like this. Talking to other friends, they say they've all said hurtful things to their partners in the heat of the moment. And if he really felt like this about the hurtful things I've said, why did he not try to address it sooner? Why has it come to this now? I've truly, truly not been any sort of screaming harridan but I have been frustrated at his lack of help and intimacy. I feel like I am going mad, not knowing what is really going on. I am so up and down when he is not here, fearing the worst and then hoping that it will all work out.

Thank you for your kind interest.

Would he consider couples counselling?

I did suggest that about 11 years ago when we were going through a bad patch, but he wouldn't. He is a very private person.

Pipkin - one thing I picked up from you earlier post "The point is, I feel like an awful person for making him feel like this."

You can't MAKE anyone feel anything - we are all responsible for our own feelings. Yes, it's possible to do things that create an environment that encourages someone to feel a particular way, but ultimately, we each decide to feel what we fell.

If it were otherwise, we could 'make' people love us, hate others etc etc.

Hope you understand that I posted this so as to nip in the bud any guilt you may be beginning to feel.

As lifechanger has said, maybe it's an affair, or something else causing him to withdraw. Try a little digging on mobiles, bank accounts, credit cards. Who knows, it could be even something like a gambling problem.

To be honest, it does sound a little as if he's trying to put all the blame onto you. Even if you were horribly spiteful, it can often be 6 of one, and half-a-dozen of the other. Trying to make you shoulder all the blame, and spend your time walking on eggshells, isn't imvho the mark of someone 'moral'.

Take care.

Should be 'what we feel' not 'fell'

I think he wants a divorce because he is seeing someone else. He's trying to put the blame on you, saying that you have a bad temper. Saying spiteful things during an argument is quite normal - don't be fooled into thinking this is really why he is leaving.

My DH is also very moral, thinks that adulterers are terrible people, always has. Didn't stop him having an affair after a decade of marriage.

The facts are Sex 4 times in 10 years, he has worked away for 9 years and He is no help around the house.

Just out of interest why are you wanting him to stay? This marriage sounds like it ended For him years ago.

my marriage ended years ago but (notsoD)H wouldn't see it. Then rather than sorting it out with me he had (and is still having) an affair - the unpleasantness towards me grew at that time with lots of blame for me. We had no sex life, he worked long hours etc. He is dreadfully "moral" about all sorts of things and in the past has condemned others for this exact behaviour. Funny how now it is OK

Sorry I think he prob is having an affair -the signs all seem to be there. Sorry.

re counselling - I don't think it is a matter of being private - I'm private and had two very long episodes of counselling that were excruciating at times - it is surely a matter of whether he wants to save the marriage.

He says that he would never have said the cruel things to me that I've said to him (that I hate him and think we should divorce) which is true, until now. I said those things to provoke a response. The lack of sex has bothered me for a long time and he wouldn't address it but the suggestion seems to be that, because I said spiteful things to him, he could not then make love to
me. It's a sort of chicken and egg situation. Did my resentment cause his lack of interest or did his lack of interest cause the resentment?
I truly don't want the marriage to end but the current situation is unbearably painful.
Will suggest counselling but am prepared for a refusal..........
Thank you for help/advice.

pipkinsparky - could you take a minute to sit down, clear your head of the guilt you're feeling, and ask yourself how you feel - aside from this guilt - rather than wondering about his feelings?

Is this marriage happy for you?

I've said the same things to my husband - I hate you and I want a divorce. Countless times. I know it's not nice, and I feel guilty about it too, but no one would say these things in a healthy, happy relationship, would they? We have awful (no) sex problems as well.
Do you love him? Why do you want to make the marriage work? Is it because you are afraid to be on your own, or are there practical issues? I would love to escape, but my children are younger, I've been married 11 years. I feel sure I won't grow old with my husband, it seems such a waste of life. But if that's the case, I should get out now, and cut my losses. He doesn't want marriage to end though, and cries and blackmails me about what it would do to the children. It's awful having to take the responsibility for ending it, and I don't feel strong enough.
However, if you have a good job, don't you think you might be better off being independent (and single)?

I do love him and he makes (made) me laugh. I don't love the fact that he will not talk about his feelings and the fact that he buries his head in the sand. We do have lots of interests in common. I cannot imagine being divorced and the prospect IS frightening. I am horrified that things seem to have gone so wrong. Was I delusional before?

I am unhappy that he seems to have withdrawn from me emotionally. He insists that it is because my remarks have been so hurtful. I am very confused. I want things to be as they were before-funny and warm but I woder whether I am fighting a lost cause?

You are both burying your heads in the sand don't you think?

The suddenness is very suspicious. It's also not kind. Surely the more usual thing would have been for arguments, and then some kind of discussion/series of discussions, attempts at change, and (perhaps) Relate?

Mine was also a cunt very moralistic and judgemental. Very similar behaviour.

It took him one week after we separated to find a new partner. Unusually, he worked with her.