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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Banging my head against a brick wall.

22 replies

marriedsingleparent · 12/06/2011 13:11

I'm not really looking for advice on this, as I don't think there is an answer, just need a rant really.

Have had numerous talks with DH regarding this and it just does not appear to be sinking in.

I got up this morning at 6.30 with youngest DC. Made him breakfast, got him dressed, did some tidying up.

DH got up at 8.40, did his 'housework' (cleaned the bird cage out). Then made porridge leaving the usual trail of mess.

!0 oclock I say I have to go shopping, get a grunt, tell him to watch DCs, another grunt.

Get back at 11 and find him playing games on PC in office whist DC3 jumps up and down on the settee. And that is where he has been since and is still bloody on it. He came into kitchen to fetch his lunch, which he took back into office to eat. I assume this was because the kitchen is usually a bit 'hectic' at mealtimes with DCs shouting and messing with their food. So he left me to it.

I have 'nagged' him before about this lack of interest in family life especially at weekends, but, like I opened with, it seems I am just banging my head against a brick wall.

I now have to trawl through a pile of ironing, with 3 bored DCs who can't go out to play as it's peeing it down, and a DH who thinks it's acceptable to play stupid games on PC all Sunday.

Rant over, but I still feel so pissed off.

OP posts:
darleneoconnor · 12/06/2011 13:19

he's lazy, you have to talk to him about respect

queenbathsheba · 12/06/2011 13:21

How big is the office? Is it possible to redecorate the office making it an office/playroom with games and TV Wink

humptydidit · 12/06/2011 15:41

married you sound like about 90% of mums on a rainy miserable day wrt the kids and endless housework to do.

What is your H like the rest of the time? Does he pull his weight in the family or is it all you?

I think you need to sit down and explain to him how you feel and come to some sort of compromise

Original poster
marriedsingleparent · 12/06/2011 21:42

humpty, I have finally finished my day....dcs in bed, stuff sorted for tommorrow, as usual, DH practically comatose on sofa, as usual.

What is he like the rest of the time? About the same as he's been all day today. No interest, in input of any value, bellowing at Dcs, making a DH sized shape in sofa, etc, etc.

We have had the talk, conversation, argument, whatever, about this so many times. No change, no intent to change, obviously.

The last time we talked about it, it all ended in a really bad shouting match that DS1 heard, and entailed me telling DH that he was a shit dad, and that if he didn't change his ways, it would come back to bite him on the arse in later years.
In fact, I can see the results even now....DCs always come to me if they want to talk about anything. I think they've realised it's pointless going to him.

Perdonally, I am at a loss as to what to do next....think my name says it all really.

OP posts:
Original poster
marriedsingleparent · 12/06/2011 21:45

BTW, DH does work, but that is all he thinks he has to do to contribute to family life.

Hindsight is wonderful. I can honestly say that, if I'd had it ten years ago, I would never have had DCs with him. He is just not cut out to have a family, I'm afraid.

OP posts:
humptydidit · 12/06/2011 21:57

so what now? I guess you have 2 choices... are you prepared to overlook it and carry on
or
do you want him to change... bearinging in mind that if he can't/won't you may have to chose to leave him?

It's your life and you deserve to be happy. I totally see where you're coming from with this... my exH was exactly like this. In fact, I stayed with a friend for a few days and I was in total shock the way friend and her OH behaved towards their kids. For example on school day.... friend was making breakfast, while her OH was showering kids one at a time, then friend was eating her breakfast while her OH was making packed lunches, then one kid refused to get dressed, had tantrum, friend said to her OH can you take over, I'm about to lose it with her!!! And her OH went and carried on persuading this kid to get dressed.

TBH I was amazed... This really opened my eyes to what a real "partnership" should be like. When I asked her about it, she seemed really quite surprised that I was commenting on it...along the lines of "if OH sees the washing is done, of course he should hang it out!" Their relationship was a true partnership, they both worked but both supported eachother.

I accept that not everybody#'s family works like this and people are willing to compromise a bit, but I think it's fair to say that it's not unreasonable to share the whole raising kids/keeping house to a certain extent, or even a greateer extent. That's certainly what I'm looking for in my next partner Wink

Original poster
marriedsingleparent · 12/06/2011 22:09

Yes, sadly, I think I am going to have to seriously consider leaving. I feel like he is just taking the piss now after 11 years.
In many ways he is a nice person, just too selfish to have children. A wife who is 'equal' to him would have to dragging in the same wage, then they would maybe get a fair hearing, things would be divided more fairly. But as a SAHM I haven't really got anything to fight back with, IYSWIM.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 12/06/2011 22:11

I think you either need to accept he is not going to change and live with it (don't envy you that at all) or tell him it's over as you're a single parent anyway and that way you should get some respite when he has his contact time Sad

allegrageller · 12/06/2011 22:13

msp of course you have something to fight back with- all the unpaid work you do while he enjoys himself.

If he sees your work as 'worthless', that's just appalling. His kids have not brought themselves up. Rather it sounds as if like too many men he totally devalues domestic work and childcare and the woman who performs these tasks for him when he is earning money. Does he realise he wouldn't be earning any money if you didn't do this for him?

maleview70 · 12/06/2011 22:21

Did he want 3 kids or did you Decide and he went along with it?

What he does isn't right but if he wasn't keen on kids in the first place it's maybe why he behaves this way.

Original poster
marriedsingleparent · 12/06/2011 22:23

Yes, that's him to a T...he doesn't value ANY work that is unpaid, or even minimum wage. I tried to talk to him about me getting a job (and it would be minimum wage). He refused to contemplate helping out with childcare or childcare costs, so that was that basically. Seemed to think it would be a complete waste of time (his) for me to go to work, maybe evenings, if it meant he could not 'relax' after his working day. I was pretty po faced on that one, I can tell you. But again, my reaction was met with indiference and the 'DH knows best' attitude.

OP posts:
FairyLightsForever · 12/06/2011 22:27

Maybe it is time to point out to him, that seeing as he doesn't really do much to enhance your life and a lot of the time feel like a single mum, then you're thinking about making it official.
You can explain to him that it would mean less work for you- one less person to clear up after and that you'd have every other weekend off... because he would be doing ALL the work on those weekends as you wouldn't be there and he wouldn't have all the free time for computer games as he'd have to be tidying up after himself and washing his own pants.

Original poster
marriedsingleparent · 12/06/2011 22:27

maleview, I think you'll find that it was me who did not want 3 DCs. DH talked me into the last one by telling me it would be wrong to terminate just because I felt I wouldn't be able to cope, as I put it.
Also told me it would be 'fun'Hmm For who exactly, I'm not sure.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 12/06/2011 22:31

Well he's got you where he wants, doing all the domestic work and trapped, dependent on him and worn down and presumably your sense of self worth feeling battered?

Original poster
marriedsingleparent · 12/06/2011 22:32

Fairy, he has informed me, when I have previously broached the D word, that he has no intention of being a weekend dad, again. My leaving will mean the DCs virtually lose all contact. Can I really do that to them?

OP posts:
Original poster
marriedsingleparent · 12/06/2011 22:35

Yes CarGirl, he does seem to have me by the short and curlies, doesn't he?
Sense of self worth, run that by me, what is that exactly. It's so long since I had any, I can't remember what it feels like.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 12/06/2011 22:38

So sorry, he is controlling you. Really you need to decide whether you would rather be a true single parent or remain with the status quo Sad

How long until the resentment eats you up?

Original poster
marriedsingleparent · 12/06/2011 22:45

I think the resentment started to eat me up about 4 years ago...and has been boiling away since then. Which is probably why I am seriously contemplating going for counselling (on my own) in order to try to rid myself of this constant anger towards him, and hang the cost.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 12/06/2011 22:48

do it, counselling will help you decide what you want to do.

Hang on in there. Truly I think I'd rather be on my own Sad

humptydidit · 12/06/2011 23:24

married, this bloke sounds just like my exH. My exH was controlling and abusive... I'm sorry if you don't want to hear this, but that's what I see. That threat about poor him being a weekend dad (my exH calls it a Macdonalds dad) and not seeing the kids again if you split is just him trying to pull you back into line.

Take a look at this link... be honest how many of those statements can you say yes to?
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

allegrageller · 13/06/2011 12:44

bloody hell. If he doesn't want contact with his DCs at all....what are they actually losing...a presence at the PC. A shape on the couch, as you called him.

It sounds like no loss to anyone to divorce this guy, except financial, and with good planning you can really mitigate that.

I wouldn't normally advocate divorce, but he sounds utterly useless to you and your children.

CarGirl · 13/06/2011 18:26

Which is least painful/damaging - a Dad who they rarely see or one who lives with them yet chooses not to engage with them?

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