violent child, advice please?

[hurryup]

I asked my H to move out 9 weeks ago after years of emotional, verbal and physical violence. Life was great until 5 weeks ago, it was such a relief and I felt safe. Then my 12 year old son started the same behaviour although far, far worse. The name calling is horrific, I have been lying on the floor with him hitting and kicking me, I've had chairs thrown at me and all of this in front of my other children. It's happened every few days. He's been referred to child mental health and is being seen in 10 days, however it feels as if I've jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. It was easier accepting this from my H, and now it's made me doubt my decision to leave him. Has anyone had a similar experience?

I went through exactly what you describe around 2 months after moving out - h wouldn't go so we left. My son started abusing me by talking to me in the same way as my h - it was chilling and word for word at times. I got a referral for cahms but did not want to wait - I had put up with it for 8 years and finally got courage to leave and this was exactly what I ran away from. Anyway I found a child psychotherapist and she has worked on my son to realise that he is replaying his fathers anger, but he is responsible for "replaying" it. In around 3 months I have seen a massive improvement and the real nasty, angry side has all but gone. I really cannot believe what she has managed to do with him.

This happens more than people realise and it comes at a time when you think things are going to get better , ie , when the abuser is gone . I think you need immediate support from womens aid who will refer you to a local centre . Youll need to consider keeping your ex away from your son as he is without a doubt the cause of this .

These abuse men often subtly encourage children to abuse their mothers and they conquer and divide . Those same children who hated their abusive father often step into their shoes and some even form an allegance and want to go and live with him .

It isnt your fault , and it is solvable .

Thanks for your messages, Dukey it's good to hear that you've come out the other side. His referral has come through already, he's being seen next week which is good. I'll ask them about psychotherapy. I've started counselling this week and been referred to see a psychodynamic therapist which they said will make things worse before they get better so it's a bit daunting but hopefully a step in the right direction.

I read this post and if some form of counselling doesn't help, or it gets worse, I would agree with coffebeany, but be ready to be there for him on his return. I have so much respect and admiration for you, it is hard walking away from any relationship when there is a child involved, let alone when it is with such a controlling man. If you have daughters, imagine what role- modelling message you would be sending them if you had stayed with your H. Stay strong and grab support from where you can. As said previously, if you have a strong (in a positive way) male around to support you that would be great.x

I do have daughters, I could cope with the abuse but I didn't want them thinking that this was a normal erlationship that they could aspire too. I'd ruined their childhood and wanted to protect them from an unhappy adult life as well.