im so down and alone just need to vent about my sadness

[xmasbunny]

I don't know where to begin I just feel so alone right now

I've been with dp for 7 years since I was 16 had dc when i was 17 and had dc2 12 weeks ago

He does nothing around the house stays up to 3 in the morning eating crap leaving wrappers everywhere and socks etc all over the floor has never loaded the dishwasher or washer for himself and hasn't changed one nappy and hasn't walked the dog or cleaned up it's mess from the garden for over a year even when pg i was doing it

When he's not at work he's doing his clubs and so I am alone with the two dc 98 % of the time for example last weekend he went to tescos for milk 5 mins down the road and didn't turn back up for an hour and a half left his phone behind so I was waiting for him to come back to go out as a family turns out he'd gone to see his mate he often does this says he's doing one thing and be home in x time and then wander off to visit peole at home

His parents turn up any time between 9am and 10 pm at any time they feel like it unannounced and pass judgment on our lives to others eg don't like our house dc is too spoilt dp should get a better job Dp wont tell them to ring first as they just laugh it off

He hasn't taken dc1 anywhere by himself in months he took him out tonight to get food and he just told me he was annoying him so he locked him in the car by himself for ten mins while he got on with it he's 6

We just had a long convesation as I was upset cause mil says that his aunt claims I said something which is outright lie I believe mil is just stirring and asked y he didn't stand up for me he just keeps saying what do you want me too do ? He'd rather upset me than his mother basically

He says that he doesn't do housework as nothing he does is ever good enough and that he thinks I look down on him - it's crap I used to love his generous loving personality we had a laugh but now he's a narky lazy man who does as he pleases he thinks going out to work gets him out of any other responsibilities yet I get up 3 times a night with the baby and still have to do everything

I found when I was heavily pg he was signing up to sex dating websites and watching a lot of porn whilst I was in bed hence the staying up late I believe he's still using these websites he was out of work for 5 months and slept till 5 o'clock then stayed up all nite and barely left the house he only got a job cause I applied for it

We got engaged 3 years ago I don't even wear the ring anymore as I just feel so detached any time I've mentioned the wedding its just a thing well do when we can afford or someone else pays - he doesn't want to save up for it

I don't have anywhere I can go to get my head together or anyone in el I can talk to - I don't have a family I can rely on there cintrolling and manipulative at best and all my friends drifted away as I got downtrodden by all this I only have a few peole on my fb list and no one has called or txt me in 3 weeks I'm just surrounded by dc and the dog

I don't know what to do or think anymore just needed to put it down really

Sorry to hear it.

Perhaps get a lock on the door, and advise the in-laws that they need to phone ahead first before dropping in.

Ignore everything your partner's mother says, write it off as her being daft.

I would be tempted to rehome the dog. It just sounds like more hassle than it's worth, but then I'm not a dog person and you might really like the pet. If you've got a new baby you'll be feeling knackered and ratty all the time, that's not a good time to also have a demanding pet around the house.

It sounds a dreadfully miserable situation for you, and you really are young. Is there no way to build on a relationship with your mum at all? does she she the children?

I know as teens, we often feel our parents are trying to control us, and (apologies if I am wrong here), maybe could they have felt you were getting yourself into a situation where they foresaw this sort of relationship happening and were trying to steer you away from it?

There is a lock on the door they actully prefer to knock on the windows and peer through before banging on the door incessantly

And I would never rehome the dog we took on the responsibility so I'll look after him he's a member of the family same as the rest if us !

It's clear that you are feeling very down - and I think most people would in the circumstances. From the way that your partner is acting, it doesn't seem that he is happy either. Have you tried to talk to him?

Sorry.

What would happen if you just said "Sorry it's not a good time, I'm just on my way out" or some other excuse? If you did that a couple of times they might take the hint.

Or get control back by saying "This is not a good time but how about I come over to yours next Wednesday?" and then you can go to their place, and escape them on your own terms when you've had enough.

It sounds like your dp isn't really in the relationship with you. Perhaps relationship counselling?

My mums actully dead since I was a 17 my payrents basically moved when I was doing exams leaving me unable to continue my education when I was 16 I met dp short ally after I was not allowed friends growing up and was made to stay with my parents at all times up to the age of 15 they revision used to discuss what a nasty person I was

None of my family make any effort to see the dcs unless I arrange it they're too busy to even attention there g'day party's

Well ive done that and they either don't talk to us for a couple of days then turn back up or come back later on that day were still expected to go to there's on a Sunday for a couple of hours there incredibly thick skinned and require to see dcs at leat 3 to 4 times a week or I'm excluding them from there lives and they will even wait for me outside the school which just makes me feel smothered

Was your relationship better 12 months ago when you decided to have another child or was it unplanned?

Sorry to hear about your mum. It is times like this though when a family member can be invaluable if you have one that is on your side to help fight your corner :(

Do you have any sisters, or even aunts, who could be a support to you.

It does sound like you are very isolated and that will definately make you feel this sad too.

No it was planned I had a mc at four months before that . I guess it was better do tried more I guess

No squeaky toy I don't have sibiling and haven't seen my family like aunts etc since I was about 7 and my mum fell out with them there's literally no one my closest friend is my 6 year old how sad is that? I grew up isolated as my parents looked down on everybody else and didn't want me mixing and I continue to be isolated into adulthood as I've just never made any real friends I suppose not for want of trying but I'm not v interesting when I can't go anywhere without a child in tow

Have you tried talking to your health visitor or GP about how you feel?

And yes every time I talk to him about it he either starts packing like he's going to leave and I beg him to stay or he goes to bed and hopes I've forgotten in the morning

No I haven't hv did all the post natal depression stuff but I don't think and she doesnt think I have

Ok, so your mum fell out with your aunts, not you. They could be waiting in the wings but not sure even able to contact you if they dont know where you are. You should try them you know.

You are still their niece, and family.

If nothing comes of it, then nothing is lost, but at least is is worth a try as you will no doubt have cousins too who you dont know, your family IS there somewhere. :)

Oh xmasbunny - it seems like your self esteem is rock bottom and small wonder as you are living in a very miserable situation. Your P sounds like he is very emotionally immature and is just not up to being able to accept his responsibilities. In other words he still acting like a child himself. I am concerned that he left your 6 year old alone in a car for 10 mins. That is a very risky thing to do and the child must have felt really scared.

He is doing nothing to support you, is still on porn sites, makes a mess everywhere, is no good as a parent and yet you still beg him not to leave. I understand why you do this, because when your self esteem is rock bottom you don't want to be left alone. He also knows that if he starts packing, you will cave in and beg him to stay. Might be an idea to see how far he gets with this "packing" if you say nothing - not far I guess. Why don't you try and see.

The inlaws are a problem too but I suspect you are more concerned about your relationship with your P than them, but I may be wrong. Are they any help at all?

Also as others have said, with a 3 month baby you are going to be tired and stressed even if things were ok but with how things are, you will of course feel worse.

Are you renting or buying a place on mortgage. What are your finances like, or is there additional worry about finance. I think you need to have a serious talk with him (and if he starts packing) say nothing and if he goes to bed, then you must talk again, and not take the line of least resistance, because I think this is what is happening. I know you need to be emotionally strong to do this and I guess that is not what you are feeling at present, but you need to sort something out and decide if this r/ship is worth it, or whether you would be best to separate. If you can afford it, you could have relationship counselling but I suspect he would not go, unless of course you told him that if he refuses, you don't think the r/ship will last.

To be honest he sounds like he is no good for you or the children and you would be better off without him and his nosy parents.

It sounds really upsetting for you. Without sounding trite, could you find an afternoon or some time together without the children to tell him everything? really tell him and ask if he wants to fix it. If so could you put together a chore rota - some people like routine.
You may want to set some boundaries and stick to them - let him know them and the outcomes if they are crossed. Maybe he needs to learn you are serious about your decisions.
I really hope it goes well for you best of luck.

To be honest, long story short, you have a right to tell this person how you feel, he is not only contributing to the misery, he's causing most of it.

If your happiness is something he is not prepared to prioritise, when he starts to pack, don't stop him.

Don't beg him.

It sounds like your childhood set you up in a perfect storm situation to launch yourself into life with a faulty compass. There is no WAY you would be equipped to judge a good man. The one you have appears NOT to be a very good man at all.

You allow his parents to bully you, as you grew up with similar.

Love it's not your fault at all. But this is not your destiny either.

You can (and ought to) change this.

I'm glad the HV says you don't appear to be depressed, that is great actually! You are entitled to feel sad, low and desperate living in a situation like the one you are in, ANYONE ELSE would feel the same, I can assure you!

I just saw NanaNina's post, I agree utterly.

Also if the Aunt fell out with Mother, then perhaps that is a glowing character reference for her!

Be confident in what you know, keep a tight grip on the truth. It is NOT acceptable to be treated like this, by any of them.

Hiya, so sorry your feeling like this, dont really have any good advice but just wanted to echo what everyone else has said, it must start with him forst, once he is on side you can tackle everyone (his family mostly) later. On the friends point is there any local playgroups you could take your children to, even getting out of the house for a bit each week would be a godsend foryou and help you to get talking to people, just an idea anyway? x