Avoiding people

[icecreaminmyhair]

All my life people have been badly letting me down. This goes from family being abusive and neglectful to friends doing the dirty and just being selfish and nasty.

People I have come across professionally have also turned out to be real shits by lying to cover themselves or lying to cause trouble. They're quite happy to throw you to the lions and I work in a so called 'caring profession'

All this has had the effect of making me very distrustful of people and generally wanting to avoid everyone. I get on well with dh and his family and about two other people who haven't managed to crap on me. I'm a decent, loyal friend and always give plenty of support and a shoulder to cry on to anyone who is a friend.

I was never a particularly sociable person before all these things happened but now I'm like a hermit. All I want to do is remain with dh and the dcs and avoid others. I don't even like going out onto the high street in case anyone talks to me or I see anyone I know. It's not social phobia as much as just not liking people. I see very little to like about others and people often irritate and annoy me

I know that not everyone is bad and that there are lots of genuine people out there it's just that I never seem to attract them.

Does anyone else feel like this and if so how do you cope?

If I had my way I would move to an island away from everything and just exist in my own world. I often fantasise about doing this but can't move because the dcs are in good schools and elderly MIL lives up the road and needs daily care.

I like my own company and don't feel lonely. I just wish there was a way of not having to come into contact with people. Am I weird?

No, I don't think you're weird. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with preferring to be on your own and not feeling lonely - I think it's far better to be comfortable with your own company than constantly craving it.

I wonder, though, whether you are perhaps setting unrealistic expectations for others? You say you are a decent, loyal friend - do you expect others to come up to your high standards at all times? And at work - do you expect others to have your levels of integrity? If so, I think you will always be disappointed as there are always going to be people who will toss you to the lions in order to save their own skins.

Perhaps you need to let go of your expectations a little bit? You sound very much like me - not very sociable, a bit prescriptive maybe and seeing things in black and white. Perhaps you should be a little more positive about what people can offer you and just take them as they are rather than what you would like them to be? Perhaps you could look at your own behaviour - could your lack of sociability be off-putting to others? And if you are shy, people may think that you are stand-offish and rude (people often think this of me!!)

I don't think you should change necessarily but perhaps a spot of counselling could help you understand the causes of your attitudes, and also help you deal with negativity in others.

Good luck.

I do understand enjoying your own company but I also think this I see very little to like about others and people often irritate and annoy me is a very sad thing to say.

There are many, many lovely, kind, intelligent people in this world and to write them all offf seems so sad.

I am not too clear what it is you want answering. On the one hand, you want to know how other people cope but on the other you are very happy in your own company.

What is it you actually want from us?

Interesting. I'd love a little cocoon of me, dh and 2 dds. However, dh is far more sociable and likes lots of outside friends, so that puts paid to that! Like you, I have trouble trusting other people, I put this down to a critical and emotionally absent mother and then abusive relationships up till now. It seems to have 'got worse' as I've got older, if you think it's a bad thing. I do feel the lack of a close female friend, but it's very hard to open up to people if you think they will break your confidences.

I know what you mean about going to the supermarket and hoping you don't see anyone. I sometimes spot someone I know slightly and scuttle off into another aisle, as I don't feel up to being chatty.

I wish I was more sociable though and could have more trust in others. You sound like you are happy the way you are.

I don't know what I want really. Just to find out how other people cope when they've been let down so much in the past. I honestly can't say that I've met very many of the lovely, kind intelligent people you speak of. I'm just wondering if being let down by people eventually has the effect of turning you from them completely.

I feel that I'm turning more and more into myself the older I get. I don't want to be like this it's just happening. Do you just get to a stage when you think "sod it, I can't be bothered anymore".

notsogoldenoldie yes this is a good insight and more or less what I'm like.

I dont think you are weird. I am very cynical, and find it hard to trust anyone completely apart from my best friend, my husband and my MIL...

I am more than happy with my own company, and prefer animals to people....

I can be very sociable and have lots of friends, but very few close friends who I let my guard down with.

mole I am sort of happy the way I am I just want it to be my choice rather than having been turned off people to the extent that I want to avoid everyone full stop. Maybe I do have unrealistic expectations, but some of the stuff that other people have done is just really nasty and not the usual 'to err is human' kind of stuff.

I prefer animals too and have several whom I class as close family

I think we all feel a little like an outsider (i know I do). You say you don't want to be like this but that it is just happeneing but you also sound very comfortable with your life.

If you are happy, than I wouldn't try to change anything really. I think notso is right about counselling though. What seems to be bothering you is the possible causes of your mistrust rather than being in your own company. maybe that's worth exploring...

I'm on the waiting list for counselling coconuts.